I Keep Telling Myself I'm Going Forward

[natalie1092]

Long story short, about two months ago I took my ex-boyfriend of 9 months to court to get a restraining order against him. My family and friends can finally breath a huge sigh of relief as well as myself, knowing that I am not being manipulated, abused, or controlled anymore. I have been continuing therapy every two weeks, and that seems to be helping with the thoughts, nightmares, and flashbacks, but I don't know what to do on days like these. Today is my day off, so the beach is definitely all I had in my mind, but instead of enjoying my time at the beach, I found myself crying down the beach, exploring ways that I could try to talk to him again. I'm not sure why I keep doing this, and I really want to stop and talk to someone who knows what I'm going through. I have a huge problem with abandonment because of my parents, which I think has a lot to do with what I'm going through.

 

[Pinkmoon1]

Its because the abuse is what you know and you are needing comfort and comfort came in attention either good or bad. My restraining order of a year just came up a week ago and I know how the hooks your ex has over you is trying to suck you back in.
For me I did find that you do need to cry, you do need to feel those feelings so that you can heal them and learn that the bad feelings are not wanted anymore. its an up hill battle one that is beautiful when you reach the top. I still struggle every day

 

[arfie]

"Co-dependency" was the first word that popped into my head. Some folks develop addictions to substances. Others develop addictions to abuse. Just a thought from someone thoroughly unqualified to diagnose.

Whatever those whatever's, forward motion seldom seems clear on a healing journey. Hope you can stay the course.

 

[open eyes]

It's actually relatively normal (for trauma victims, at least) to feel a sort of connection to your abuser, even to miss them or wish you could see them again. It sort of goes along with the concept of Stockholm's Syndrome, where the abused sympathizes or bonds with their abuser. I had a problem where I felt bad for my abusers, who admitted 10 years later that they had felt guilty all along. That sympathy slowly turned into rage but now I'm just sort of neutral. It gets better :)

 

[natalie1092]

Thank you so much! I'm hoping that it will get a lot better throughout time, but are there any magical tricks to stop those types of thoughts? I've tried everything that my therapist has said, like letting them go and come without taking in what they really are, but that's only worked a few times and I'm freaking out about what would have been my ex's and I anniversary coming up next week. I'm terrified of ruining my progress because I get so upset and feel like I need him.

 

[open eyes]

Unfortunately there is no magic trick for anything mental illness related.

Anniversaries are very hard. I'm nearing the 3 year anniversary of my assault, so I completely understand how rough they get.

I don't really know your whole situation but I think you're having trouble separating yourself from your abusive relationship. You were an individual before it, & you can be an individual now. It might take some work to get to know yourself again, because I know from experience that abuse can really tear away a big chunk of what makes you, you.

 

[arfie]

If you have found magic tricks that have worked a few times, I would keep working with those and building on those successes. Mastery takes time and practice. Progress over perfection.

Anniversaries that remind me of trauma are tough for me, too. Seem to be tough for allot of PTSD sufferers. Be extra gentle with yourself until it is passed. I pay extra attention to self care around those dread anniversaries.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I love your hope that you are going forwards anyway. It is true and it is something I held onto. I kept on learning and growing and changing and I feel that I have finally grown up into a mature adult.

When I first started therapy I had the false belief that three months of therapy and I would be on my merry way.

I started therapy in 1985 and I am still seeing a psychiatrist who I do not see again for six months. EMDR helped me the most and I think I was ready for it.

I also had to disconnect from my family of origin. I grieved the loss of them. But they were so toxic they brought out the worst in me. The denial of reality and not being believed devastated me.

I am really proud of you that you have this hope inside of you. Going to therapy was the best decision I made and it helped me to break generational cycles of abuse in my own family. I always wanted something better for them than what I had.

I wasted so many years blaming and hating myself.

Now I feel brand new. I still get the PTSD blues but now I have the tools to manage the symptoms. I still have the occasional bad day but it sure is so much better than it was.

I had so many illusions, and false beliefs that had to go. A book that really helped me out so much was Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Froward which I recommend to you to consider getting.

Everyone here has expressed what you are going through so well. I wanted to focus on your good hope you have that will bear fruit eventually. Do not give up and keep on putting one foot in front of the other. It will get you to where you need and want to go. Great thread.