I Need Other Perspectives, Please

[sedna]

@ Mal Content, I feel like an asshole for asking this question, but is that e-mail he sent his parents something that seems odd in itself to you, like is that the kind of dialogue he normally has with them? the sort of conversation you can picture him having verbally with them?

 

[Sideways]

I'm hearing a lot of compassion for your husband, which shows how incredibly generous and loving (and loveable) a person that your are.

But I'd echo what @ladee and @joeylittle have reflected. Your compassion to him is not the same as loving him as a husband. Maybe you just don't any more, and you know what? That's ok. Oftentimes breaking up, especially long term relationships, is a process, rather than a point in time, and when I read your words and his, I see 2 people who are already a long way into that process, and trying like hell to avoid the pain of "it's really over". Idk, maybe I'm way off.

But you know, as honest as he was about his actions in that email, I wasn't hearing a guy who was saying "I love her to bits and I'm gonna keep fighting my arse off to keep her because I don't deserve someone that great..." What I was hearing from that email was "I've tried, and given up, and then tried again. But I keep lying to her, and hurting her, despite my efforts..."

He doesn't seem to be believing that he can really be the man that you deserve. It's ok to agree with him. It's ok to let this one go.

Again, maybe I'm waaaay off. Either way, it's clearly still hurting you a lot, and I really wish that it wasn't this painful for you.

 

[sedna]

@ Mal Content

@ Mal Content, I feel like an asshole for asking this question, but is that e-mail he sent his parents s...

Sorry, that wasnt my whole comment but a herd of 6 ft tall 14 year olds ran through and it made me jump, I dont know anything about your back round really, so just based on this here thread and that e-mail my gut instinct is that there might be a lot of habitual manipulation, not just passive aggressive behavior here, which is manipulative also. Passive aggressive can be semi excused by being a coward around a bad temper, but not really. When I hear that I think the poor bad tempered person is buying the game too much.

I think this e-mail looks like it was written with the intention for you to see it. I also think its interesting that you think being afraid to be alone makes immediate joining of a dating site perfectly understandable. I've known tons of truly lonely people, myself included, that wouldnt go about meeting someone that way. Most people dont line up the next person before the old one has packed up and moved out. I also dont see you express any questioning of his story that it was just a lunch date and nothing more or with any others has taken place. Maybe you did and there's solid answers here, but I dont see that from the posts.

A lot of men use the excuse to fool around as having a partner that is damaged etc. and they're afraid what will happen to poor her if they leave so they cant. Then they go on about how well they look after her etc. Believe it or not, its a pretty good game. Women fall for the poor trapped wonderful man who isnt appreciated, and he's never required to actually get in a committed relationship , the other woman will help him hide it fearing for what drama may befall this heroic self sacrificing sweetheart. I've seen this myself, its not my old marriage but Ive known a few men that made it a hobby their whole adult life.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Wow, thank you! Thank you all! Do I still love him? Yes, I do. He is a very nice and earnest man who bit off way more than he could chew. He and I were good friends before we hooked up. We got along so well, and he stood up for himself when we fought.Recently, I asked him why that changed, and he told me that when we were just friends, he had nothing to lose by arguing. After he fell in love with me, he was terrified that I would leave him. This is what he said. Was it true? Who knows? I was only the second woman he'd ever had a serious relationship with, and the first one ended with him breaking down.

Something that I need to mention, and I should have right off the bat, but I wasn't expecting this thread to follow the *cheating* route. About 15 years ago, he and I were having serious problems and I came close to cheating on him, with a coworker. I understand now why I felt an insatiable need for (what I thought was) love. More in a bit...

 

[Deleted member 33052]

The difference was that Colin was preparing to leave. I had gotten caught in a flirtation that went too far, and I had no intention of leaving my husband for this guy. The only thing that I can say in my defense was that I was drinking heavily at the time and trying to fill a need I couldn't even identify. Anyway, before things got too nasty, I sobered up and smartened up, but not before Colin became suspicious. He knew something was going on, but he didn't know how serious it was or who I was with. He suspected correctly, because this coworker was also my racquetball partner and we spent a lot of time together outside of work.

Anyway, Colin never asked me about it until a couple of years ago. He carried that around with him for so long, always wondering, always hurt. I wish I'd known. That would have driven me crazy.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Maybe I'm way off mark here, but I will state my opinion.... Both of you apparently have sought out/emotionally cheated on each other. RED FLAGS are waving. I'm really not sure what either one of you are lacking in your marriage, but it seems to me that some of your needs and your husbands are seriously NOT being met.

I know that all needs can not be met, but for BOTH of you to wander off and seek out another, just speak volumes that SOMETHING is lacking. People that are in a relationship or marriage that fulfills them and their needs are met DO NOT seek out/emotionally cheat, or look for someone else to fulfill their needs.

I would be asking yourself and have your husband answer these questions. What are you getting out of this marriage? What needs are NOT being met? And how do WE work together to find ways to meet each other's needs.

I was married. He was a cheater that was great at lying and convincing me otherwise. BUT! When my needs were not being met, when I started thinking that the issues in the marriage were my fault, placing blame solely with me, and I finally had had enough and I CHEATED..... I filed for divorce.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think the question is how do you find a way to trust someone who now has a history of just walking out on you when the going gets rough instead of trying to work things out?

 

[ladee]

The bottom line , to me, is do you want to stay married to this man and do whatever it takes to make it work? That means you working on the temper that flares and whatever else you see as being your issues to work on.
A LOT of history here. You are one year into your recovery. Progress has been made. Not taking that away from you. But also saying your feelings are all over the map.
You can only fix you. You can't go back and undo anything.
Again, do you want to stay married to him and work on yourself, and simply commit one day at a time? Not forever, just today. Then get up tomorrow and commit to that day.
You aren't clear on what you want or need. Neither is he. Are y'all in marriage counselling? No way are y'all going to heal all this without help.
You have your own answers Mal. I wish healing for both of you and that you both find peace

 

[PhoenixO]

I might be the only one here, but I think it's big of you and quite introspective to to decide that th...

I was thinking the same thing....You are doing the work and the answers will come in time...in a myriad of collective and supportive responses.....that you process through. Your husband's email indicates an impressive bit of introspection and plausible growth and ultimately, this is going to take time to sort through.

 

[Tinyflame]

I keep getting approached by married men I consider it sad.

It won't help your relationship to cheat. But you have to decide if you want to make it work. Or cut your losses.

I feel for you. But our ptsd issues are ours to own.

I don't mean it in any way judgementally of you. Idk if I could have lasted in a marriage without a super forgiving/ understanding partner.

But then again I've tolerated much abuse.

Does he love you? Do you love him? Would you do anything in your power to not cause him hurt? Do you have children? Do you cherish him, do you put yourself in his shoes?

Best wishes Mal xox.

 

[Tinyflame]

I would add, I wouldn't pre-suppose your husband supported you to be a martyr. It's hard to support someone, & especially with ptsd. Neither one of you likely got in to marriage expecting these challenges, but virtually all marriages have something to overcome.

 

[Mafia_Science]

@Mal Content , I have zero knowledge on this issue, and can't offer an informed perspective. Just wanted to let you know that I'm listening and here to support you.