I am fairly new to the Forums, having joined on Wednesday. I thought it would be a good place to learn more about PTSD, discover how other people deal with the daily symptoms, and hopefully be able to lend support and understanding to others here. Oh, and also my psych says that I need to learn to talk about what happened to me, and suggested that a Forum setting would be good for me. So here I am.
A little over 20 years ago I was raped. I was 36, single, quite shy, maybe a little naive, a cautious person and never a risk taker, did not drink, (although I do now) and have never 'done' drugs. I would have been considered at very low risk of anything like this happening.
The perpetrator was someone I knew and trusted and the rape took place in my own home. I had invited a friend into my home never suspecting for a moment that anything bad would happen. It did! I fought hard, but he was military and was far stronger than I. As a result I was physically injured, badly concussed, and left feeling confused, ashamed, afraid, embarrassed - apparently all very typical after experiencing a violent rape.
I never reported it to the authorities and I never spoke to anyone about it for over 19 years. Just as I never suspected that I was at risk of being raped, nor did I ever suspect that I could get PTSD. Like many, back then especially, I believed that only war veterans or rescue workers could get PTSD. So I never got any help or therapy, never reached out to anybody for support. I spent a few days at home after calling into work sick, and recovered as best I could at home on my own. Then I tried to return to my old life, keeping my secret shame hidden from everyone. A closely held secret.
I have always been an introvert and shy, but I started isolating myself completely, and only left the house for work. I sold my home, moved towns, changed jobs. But still I kept imagining I saw him, even though I knew it wasn't possible. Gradually I improved somewhat with even some periods of relative normality. But that never lasted for long. I never understood nor anticipated the triggers which would continue to bring on the symptoms with renewed vigour.
After 18 years of repeated battles with often severe PTSD symptoms, I finally accepted help from a psychologist who I had been seeing for an unrelated issue (pain management). During a particularly vulnerable time (anniversary of the event) she was able to extract from me a sobbing and garbled partial retelling of what had happened all those years ago.
I was some time later officially diagnosed with PTSD. That was about 2 years ago now. On my psychologist's advice I underwent a series of Exposure Therapy and CBT last year. This helped to some degree, but I continued to experience regular nightmares, anxiety symptoms, etc.
Last year was a really lousy year for me all round. My little 11yo niece was killed in a car accident, my brother was severely injured with a broken neck and is still suffering the effects, I was retrenched from my job when the business was sold, and I found out that my husband was cheating on me once again. So I guess none of that helped during an otherwise very distressing time whilst undergoing Exposure Therapy.
This year my psychologist suggested we try some EMDR therapy to try to tackle the emotional content of my memories. I underwent 10 long (2 hour) exhausting sessions, the last of which was just last month. I am currently have a few months break to see what impact the therapy has had.
My psych wants me to start to open up a bit more about my PTSD believing it to be an important part of the recovery process. I am making progress I think, as only last month (with help from my psych) I have briefly told my GP the cause of my PTSD. That was a big thing for me, as the shame and fear that talking about it had always been too much for me. But I am glad that he now knows - he has a better understanding of why I go silent, shake I like a leaf, and bawl like a baby, if he ever raises the subject of my PTSD.
Talking is not something I I've ever been much good at. But though I am still not able to verbally speak about the rape, I can now write about it and even think about it. And that's progress for me. I used not to be able to even hear or read the word without going into a panic or dissociative state, so it appears that my desensitisation therapies have had a positive effect.
I like to write and find it highly therapeutic. My therapist started me writing when she asked me to write what happened initially for my Exposure Therapy, because I could not talk about it. It's the only way I could relate to her what had happened. I've even given poetry a go lately, which is very new for me. But I must say that my poems are pretty 'dark' in nature .. I tend to write when I am feeling low.
I look forward to hearing from others about your experiences, to learn how therapy has worked for you and what your coping methods have been.
Thank you for hearing me out, as I feel sure my story is a well worn track.
A little over 20 years ago I was raped. I was 36, single, quite shy, maybe a little naive, a cautious person and never a risk taker, did not drink, (although I do now) and have never 'done' drugs. I would have been considered at very low risk of anything like this happening.
The perpetrator was someone I knew and trusted and the rape took place in my own home. I had invited a friend into my home never suspecting for a moment that anything bad would happen. It did! I fought hard, but he was military and was far stronger than I. As a result I was physically injured, badly concussed, and left feeling confused, ashamed, afraid, embarrassed - apparently all very typical after experiencing a violent rape.
I never reported it to the authorities and I never spoke to anyone about it for over 19 years. Just as I never suspected that I was at risk of being raped, nor did I ever suspect that I could get PTSD. Like many, back then especially, I believed that only war veterans or rescue workers could get PTSD. So I never got any help or therapy, never reached out to anybody for support. I spent a few days at home after calling into work sick, and recovered as best I could at home on my own. Then I tried to return to my old life, keeping my secret shame hidden from everyone. A closely held secret.
I have always been an introvert and shy, but I started isolating myself completely, and only left the house for work. I sold my home, moved towns, changed jobs. But still I kept imagining I saw him, even though I knew it wasn't possible. Gradually I improved somewhat with even some periods of relative normality. But that never lasted for long. I never understood nor anticipated the triggers which would continue to bring on the symptoms with renewed vigour.
After 18 years of repeated battles with often severe PTSD symptoms, I finally accepted help from a psychologist who I had been seeing for an unrelated issue (pain management). During a particularly vulnerable time (anniversary of the event) she was able to extract from me a sobbing and garbled partial retelling of what had happened all those years ago.
I was some time later officially diagnosed with PTSD. That was about 2 years ago now. On my psychologist's advice I underwent a series of Exposure Therapy and CBT last year. This helped to some degree, but I continued to experience regular nightmares, anxiety symptoms, etc.
Last year was a really lousy year for me all round. My little 11yo niece was killed in a car accident, my brother was severely injured with a broken neck and is still suffering the effects, I was retrenched from my job when the business was sold, and I found out that my husband was cheating on me once again. So I guess none of that helped during an otherwise very distressing time whilst undergoing Exposure Therapy.
This year my psychologist suggested we try some EMDR therapy to try to tackle the emotional content of my memories. I underwent 10 long (2 hour) exhausting sessions, the last of which was just last month. I am currently have a few months break to see what impact the therapy has had.
My psych wants me to start to open up a bit more about my PTSD believing it to be an important part of the recovery process. I am making progress I think, as only last month (with help from my psych) I have briefly told my GP the cause of my PTSD. That was a big thing for me, as the shame and fear that talking about it had always been too much for me. But I am glad that he now knows - he has a better understanding of why I go silent, shake I like a leaf, and bawl like a baby, if he ever raises the subject of my PTSD.
Talking is not something I I've ever been much good at. But though I am still not able to verbally speak about the rape, I can now write about it and even think about it. And that's progress for me. I used not to be able to even hear or read the word without going into a panic or dissociative state, so it appears that my desensitisation therapies have had a positive effect.
I like to write and find it highly therapeutic. My therapist started me writing when she asked me to write what happened initially for my Exposure Therapy, because I could not talk about it. It's the only way I could relate to her what had happened. I've even given poetry a go lately, which is very new for me. But I must say that my poems are pretty 'dark' in nature .. I tend to write when I am feeling low.
I look forward to hearing from others about your experiences, to learn how therapy has worked for you and what your coping methods have been.
Thank you for hearing me out, as I feel sure my story is a well worn track.
