I Realize That I

[whiteraven]

I realized, just today, that I have two levels of suffering - the top layer is the day-to-day stuff. The death of my cat, the lack of trust in just about everyone, the physical pain, that sort of thing. It is always connected to the lower level, which is the old stuff.

 

[Tinyflame]

I find it very difficult and confusing, if not nearly impossible, to scale down how to figure out/ fix myself with the David Burns TEAM CBT recommendations, there's so many concepts/ so much material. Plus, some of what he says I do (naturally), and I'd just call it -Idk?- the truth/ authentic/ *don't-know-how-to-do-anything-else?, more importantly. But I don't know if I do it right when it's natural and obviously I'm missing something, or I wouldn't need it. Idk how to absorb anything more intellectually, and I certainly don't feel like there's any safety or benefit to do it emotionally, or how to. I wish there was an easier self-help manual, because there seems to be no rhyme or reason/ no direction. Idk where/ how to begin. It's like someone put me in to Intermediate Japanese language studies. I feel lost, mixed up and alone. And like I'm chipping at a mountain with a butter knife. And really, pretty hopeless. Like cramming for a test that is pass/ fail live or die when I never took the course. I am so tired.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I realize that I can't compare myself to a sick society to find out if I'm well. That evokes both a giggle and a feeling of heavy sadness.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize some people take it for granted that they will live to old age. Maybe that's the norm for their relatives?

 

[Rose White]

I realize that I am a mom. I realize that I am still here. I realize that I am often one of the strongest and most capable adults in the room. I realize that when I’m sad and lonely it’s often because I have not giving myself enough support.

 

[mumstheword]

I realize my guy friend totally has my back and that means I've made progress, coz, for the majority of my life, nobody had my back and I spent my life groveling, fawning, miserable, lonely and dying inside.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize I defaulted to fleeing or fawning.

I realize this mindfulness thing for me does leave me less overwhelmed, but more like dissociated in it's place, with forgetfulness, lack of caring, and lack of desire to do things like eat or whatever. It leaves me- mindless. And spending thoughts noticing thoughts. Which, I'm either doing wrong, or isn't for me. Because JMHO but it seems to me, ending up tuned out is the opposite of attunement, to God or people. Turning feelings down is one thing, indifference I can do with SI already. Which might though support more Budhist beliefs, of observation and one-ness. Which I don't disagree with, I just think there's more concrete thoughts and commitments I need, or I'd not communicate or complete anything. I don't think the idea of an All-Present HP is incompatible with closeness and twisting myself in to something I'm not, or some way I'm not. It feels like not even showing up. Actually a bit like a ghost, which I can manage already. I also feel like, why bother with trying to do what helps, and that I should just abandon that and give up already, must have been misleading myself to keep trying. I suppose, it's like, = removed, and therefore what's the point/ what was I thinking. It requires resolve, not just acceptance. SI and acceptance are one and the same to me.

I feel guilty eating, which I've done more than normal, when my sister can't.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oops, missed edit.

Or rather, re: post trying mindfulness, now I can't remember 'why' I was trying to get better, or what I was doing to do so? And why did I choose it? Even my back exercises/ yoga.

 

[Changing4Best]

I realize that I am very clumsy and inadequate at using the internet on my phone. I was trying to do something on a website, and did not get a chance to say yes to the cookie announcement. Now that site won't Cooperate with me at all.

 

[Tinyflame]

i realize knowing my my sister is on her deathbed/ dying is really sh*tty, and heartbreaking. So is the process of it. :(:cry:

I rem when my mom died, I 'saw' half asleep Jesus and Mary in her doorway, like waiting for whenever- if you want to go in 5 minutes, great, 1000 years, great too. Figured it was undoubtedly a sleep-deprived hallucination, but I also felt I no longer had to worry the'd knock her off quicker, as they had outright asked a 3 times, though she wasn't complaining of pain. Figured that whole impression of ~waiting vs 'taking' was a new one.

When my aunt died, she made it til we got there, we talked and she was fully cognizant, and could respond/ understand, we said we were there and loved her and it was ok to go, and she died in about 5-10 minutes in our arms. And we came out and said so (the people were really great there), and they said, "Oh no, that cannot be?", and we said, "Oh yes. She died." Which, she had, but I mean, you know when you do this for a living, anyway.

I think death is really sh*tty. :(

 

[Changing4Best]

i realize knowing my my sister is on her deathbed/ dying is really sh*tty, and heartbreaking. So is the process of it. :(:cry:

I rem when my mom died, I 'saw' half asleep Jesus and Mary in her doorway, like waiting for whenever- if you want to go in 5 minutes, great, 1000 years, great too. Figured it was undoubtedly a sleep-deprived hallucination, but I also felt I no longer had to worry the'd knock her off quicker, as they had outright asked a 3 times, though she wasn't complaining of pain. Figured that whole impression of ~waiting vs 'taking' was a new one.

When my aunt died, she made it til we got there, we talked and she was fully cognizant, and could respond/ understand, we said we were there and loved her and it was ok to go, and she died in about 5-10 minutes in our arms. And we came out and said so (the people were really great there), and they said, "Oh no, that cannot be?", and we said, "Oh yes. She died." Which, she had, but I mean, you know when you do this for a living, anyway.

I think death is really sh*tty. :(

So sorry you and she are going through this. Hugs, if you accept them.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you so much @Changing4Best , I very much appreciate and I will say need them. :notworthy: Hug back to you. :hug::hug:

I was thinking about this, that the sadness is awful, greatly for her in her needs now (and unable to meet them), some for myself. And all of us, though I'm not in anyone else's head/ heart, to know the depth.

But, despite it having been a complicated history, and other stuff, it is easier because of her attitude/ way. I am very thankful for that.

I realize, despite the horrible sadness and all it means or will mean to get through it, it didn't upset my thoughts in the way that I could still stay focused, say prayers for her, etc,. Though it consumes my thoughts, and I'm pretty much waking up every hour when I go to bed, etc. But I can still pray for her and others constantly, see their needs too, recognize negative thoughts and try to not focus on them.

But what has really thrown my equilibrium off, or creates more really negative and self-destructive thoughts and impulses, is dealing with work. It's like re-ingesting some food that's gone bad in the fridge, no matter how I try to let the thoughts pass. And leaves me, despite trying to even view it in relation (context as not being as important) , just totally wiped out. And fearful, and done, as I have no option not to be working. I cannot find a solution. It's the mauled by the grizzly bear vs jump off the cliff analogy. Decades of my life I've had to live this way, surely that is enough? And surely what matters in life is not that, but rather being allowed to 'live' and focus on what and who is more important, without the pressure valve being set to it's maximum at all times to meet others demands who don't have regard for people or what matters? And their demands, only increase.

But ETA, I know it is more difficult for me (re stress, though others are all baling out if able), and it's up to me to change it. But I can't find a way. But I know/ realize too, it's up to me to shelve those thoughts/ feelings/ realities in order to bear it. And am not having much ability to do that anymore, either.