I Realize That I

[Agita Kaput]

I was lucky my dad was a good man, even if there were ~difficulties- not even the appropriate word, possibly even (or likely) ptsd.
But I never really acknowledged a few men after or otherwise really screwed up my trust.
I have problems for some reason thinking of God as a 'Father' in a positive way.
I fear Heaven and don't know why. Go figure?.

Probably a general fear of bs in any form. We've been too skinned to tolerate the cognitive dissonance. bs-O-meter set on "way sensitive."

 

[Dynamic]

bs-O-meter set on "way sensitive."

Love this

 

[Agita Kaput]

Love this

Noticed I can read your name "default not love" if this is the case, I had a realization a few days ago that might be of interest. My default reaction to a shaming event (most) is narcissistic behavior. Mad at the kid?... Silent Treatment. Neighbor complains about my barking dog?... I wanna tell *him* HE'S barking at ME like a dog (in so many words).

It's unlikely your defaultxlove is related to my default not being love but I love to hear myself talk so... I talked.

 

[Dynamic]

Need to eat something substantial.

 

[Tinyflame]

Realized a big thing but didn't want to clog another thread, the women were saying on it how it's easier or suggested for a woman to 'play dumb' or stupid. And it came to me that men do it too, actually a lot if they choose. One guy I know, when people fall for it calls them 'dummies!" Another guy I know said once, "Suckaaas!!" I remembered just being hoodwinked by one with 'innocent' questions (so I thought, the same one that calls them 'dummies!'- I should have known), they were calculated questions of course disguised as banter and concern for another. Used them against me behind my back (inaccurately and untruthfully or incompletely, of course). Then I thought how "I" felt stupid- because I was. But I always thought it's an insult to call (or think of) someone as 'stupid', especially men. But that made me the stupid one.

So in that way, people don't mistake kindness for stupidity, kindness actually is stupidity, sometimes.

Is that an as*hole? Probably I guess, Smarter and less insulting and hurtful than being respectful, kind, stupid and demeaned and played though.

 

[Rose White]

I realize that I still project my abuser onto myself (or is it me onto my abuser?). I am still blending us together and that is a big part of why I am so angry at myself because I “can’t stop being like him” but it’s just me. Feels like being caught in a web.

 

[Freddyt]

I realize my AD whatever Autism issues may run way deeper than what I allow myself to think they do.

I also realize that none of my medical related anxiety has abated at all, in any way and appointments for medical stuff are still full of anxiety.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry @Freddyt , , I get that, I almost called a dr the other day I feel so crappy, and I just can't. I mean, I really can't.

@OliveJewel , you said:

because I “can’t stop being like him” but it’s just me. Feels like being caught in a web.

I think when it is a parent that is a normal difficulty to face. When it is a mom or a dad- your mom or dad- there is a subconscious knowledge they provided our genes, modeled behaviour and how to live 'effectively' (which wasn't of course). But there is a world of difference, because you have free will now. You couldn't be him or vice versa even if you wanted to be.

Oddly, it's why I somewhere try to give my sister who's out of sight a break, I flip it: my dad said to her, "You're just like me and that's not a compliment". But my dad was able to live in a wholly different way, with honesty and kindness. So maybe she has the ability opposite to what appears.

When the symptoms of ptsd started to present for me I just thought (literally), "I guess I'm just turning into dear old dad". (Though he was dead and wasn't old). I didn't understand nightmares, flashbacks, night terrors/ night sweats/ intrusive thoughts/ over-reacting/ avoidance/ fear etc weren't 'normal'.

Hugs to you both.

I realize that I am exhausted.

I realize things like the accountability thread for food make no sense to me, since I have not eaten more than one meal most days for the last 40 years, and know people can live (and do, sometimes by choice, sometimes there is no option) on virtually nothing for years, decades. But mostly, it's incidental to me if I eat or not, or what I eat. I'm too tired. Or too tired to care. Actually, I just don't care enough to see why I should. I feel better (digestion-wise) if I don't, so I have to eat very very high calorie, low volume to keep my weight up. But I couldn't live without nicotine though, yikes there's a thread. They are raising the price later this year so I will be stocking up if I'm still living.

 

[Rose White]

Not to derail the thread but you brought up some points personal to me and I’d like to respond.

You couldn't be him or vice versa even if you wanted to be.

Thank you for this. It’s weird that I struggle to remember this. Ego enmeshment is a bitch and quite tangly in the mind. I am definitely moving away from it, just that it’s pretty sticky

accountability thread for food make no sense to me, since I have not eaten more than one meal most days

I can see how it might look odd if what works for you is one meal. Part of eating distinct meals and snacks for me is regulating my eating. Because if I ate one meal regularly? That would make sense.

Instead Im telling myself I’ll never eat again, loathing eating, drinking, binging sometimes, eating in a completely disorganized way, etc. so saying, “I ate two meals,” or whatever is a way for me to watch myself and encourage myself to find a regular way and practice routine. I am routine aversive because my primary abuser used his routine to control us.

mostly, it's incidental to me if I eat or not, or what I eat. I'm too tired. Or too tired to care. Actually, I just don't care enough to see why I should.

Apathy toward food I understand. Regularity is what I’m trying to find.

 

[Rose White]

I realize that my pets try hard to keep checking in with me, particularly when I don’t eat or when I’m depressed.

I realize that I’m more depressed than I’m willing to admit.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh yes @OliveJewel , it's sane. Because even 24 hours without eating causes brain damage. That's the only reason I eat. My one brain cell is working o/t already.

I can see how it might look odd if what works for you is one meal. Part of eating distinct meals and snacks for me is regulating my eating. Because if I ate one meal regularly? That would make sense.

Actually ^^, it doesn't make sense, even to me for myself- it was just a product -or maybe the word is consequence?- of childhood neglect, followed by crises/ traumas, DV and uncertainty, sometimes $. And a 'healthy' (not) dose of Red Foxx's words I heard on an interview where he said, "Kill myself? If I want to do that I'll go home and stop eating". Also, growing up with most everyone getting Cancer early in the family (genetic) I (none of us, probably) ever expected to last too long, we all expected it would be likely (to get it). So...I realize that doesn't bode well for good habits, people think it would but the reality is kind of the opposite (i.e. live in fear, or shoot the wad if you're going, anyway). I just thought the other day, except for going out I have not eaten sitting down or with food on a 'plate' maybe 4 times in the last 15 years+ or so.

Mind you, the 'upside' of not valuing my body is that I can survive and be content with anything, if I have to, even condiments. Though it's a real struggle to not eat food I find on the street. I realize it triggers fear, mostly from not being able to go home, at times, I think.

But working in health care, I see the impact/ lack of impact- or rather, resiliency- of the body that gives me a different perspective. I suppose it is a personal choice but I feel very odd and 'icky' to expect encouragement.

I realize it would be healthy to want to be accountable for eating! Maybe I need the thread more than I think.

ETA, I guess I realize too there were always bigger problems to deal with than to worry about eating. I think ptsd doesn't bode well for eating or good habits/ self-care, either. I don't feel hungry when I am fearful, or sad, or grieving or self-blaming. It is kind of aimless (mindless) or non-existent.

Sorry, cross-posted, maybe @OliveJewel swap out 'routine' for moment of self-care/ investing in your future? Because you will be thankful 20 years from now.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize using the word 'neglect' feels wrong for me- it wasn't intentional, just required, also misunderstood that the person would be there who wasn't. My own independence even. I wasn't scared so much with my dog. I realize it makes me feel bad to say it and not accurate and wah wah wah. I don't have the right words, doesn't feel right to call it neglect. Feel like I should be saying, "I'm sorry", but don't know to who? My dead parents maybe, Idk. They did the best that they could, it was what it was, had to be. I got pretty competent.