Other I Saw My Family Last Night And I Panicked Like I Child

[GWhizz]

Yesterday I had an amazing day to start out. We spent the morning at a local playcafé meeting other parents and babies/toddlers. Then we went for a lovely hike up the mountains through the woods and checked out some historical mining towers overlooking the city and the bay. Looking out at the sea and at the horses, landscape etc in front of me, I finally felt a great sense of peace and appreciation for the good things in my life (I am on a week off work too which helps). It got pretty windy up there so we decided we'd go to a business park on the way home that has some restaurants where we could heat up our little one's dinner.

As soon as we pulled into the carpark I saw my mother and older sister in their car. Then I saw my father walking towards them. They're pretty hard to miss (put it this way, they stand out).

It just made my heart race and I totally freaked out. Drove to the other side of the carpark (it is a really big parking lot), considered going to the underground but decided I'd 'hide' there until I knew they were gone. My partner was making the realistic point that I should just face them - that we live in a small enough area that I can't avoid or outrun them forever. But I just got so overwhelmed and the whole joy of the day was lost. Once again I felt trapped like a frightened little girl. What am I to do if I do meet them when I'm alone or when I'm in work or something? It feels so stupid being so triggered just seeing them - they left soonafter. But I couldn't even eat my food or have a conversation with my partner or child. I was still on edge. I just don't know how much longer I can do this, how much more I can take.

 

[ghotiff]

"It feels so stupid being so triggered just seeing them "

I couldn't even imagine coming across my abusers like that.

I recommend lots of self care. Be kind to yourself.

 

[ghotiff]

Sorry I was in a bad place and was de-railing your thread. I retract. :banghead:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I just don't know how much longer I can do this, how much more I can take.

Something I keep trying to tell myself is - all is not lost because of one bad moment. You had a great day. You can recall the great day. Then, you saw your family- major problem- and suddenly everything is lost and you are ready to give up. I get like that, too, so I am not saying you're wrong to feel that way. It's not stupid to feel triggered, it's a natural reaction caused by intense fear. Just remember that you can have positives and those are not erased by the negative.

 

[Anarchy]

I can fully sympathise. I'll be avoiding people who stress me - until I no longer feel stressed by them. I don't know when that will be.

In the almost 10 years that I lived in Ireland, I never got to walk around Ballycorus. I really miss Ireland. :hug:

 

[whserenitynluv]

It just made my heart race and I totally freaked out. Drove to the other side of the carpark (it is a really big parking lot), considered going to the underground but decided I'd 'hide' there until I knew they were gone. My partner was making the realistic point that I should just face them - that we live in a small enough area that I can't avoid or outrun them forever. But I just got so overwhelmed and the whole joy of the day was lost. Once again I felt trapped like a frightened little girl. What am I to do if I do meet them when I'm alone or when I'm in work or something? It feels so stupid being so triggered just seeing them - they left soonafter. But I couldn't even eat my food or have a conversation with my partner or child. I was still on edge. I just don't know how much longer I can do this, how much more I can take.

Seeing things I can relate to, especially first thing in the morning makes me smile, so I thank you for posting that:)
Parts of my family have been big abusers, but I tend to avoid them all. I cannot figure out why,mother than one of my abusers (my mother) has little interest in me, blames me for things, doesn't call, and tells the family what a loser I am. Says I am on drugs, tells the family about my sexual a use to other family members, so maybe it's embarrassing, and I feel humiliated once again and don't fit in. My sister on the other hand has never seen the abuse I endured, and is put up on a pedestal. She spends time with her, gloats about how great she is ect.
In my early twenties there was a terrible argument we had had about my sexual abuser in the car, were she had literally said to me" well, you must have asked for it if it happened that long." I got out of the car and said some not so choice words, and the dynamic of always craving a motherly bond changed for me that day.
I am wondering if this fear has spread to social events and relationships as well. Because I will go to the other side of the parking lot too!
Thanks for your post! :hug:

 

[arfie]

My own parents have not been active in my life. For me, it is the in-laws and even as a grandmother myself, I still react this way to the great-grandparents of the family. They seem to be a mystery beyond my ability to understand.

I am wondering if this fear has spread to social events and relationships as well. Because I will go to the other side of the parking lot too!

In my personal interpretation of my personal case, the two are heavily linked. Don't know, or even care, which is the chicken and which is the egg, and there is no shortage of countering theories, but no one will argue that I am prone to major league isolating.

Wish I had easy answers for both of us, GWhiz. As it is, I can only offer gentle validation.

 

[whserenitynluv]

My own parents have not been active in my life. For me, it is the in-laws and even as a grandmother myself, I still react this way to the great-grandparents of the family. They seem to be a mystery beyond my ability to understand.



In my personal interpretation of my personal case, the two are heavily linked. Don't know, or even care, which is the chicken and which is the egg, and there is no shortage of countering theories, but no one will argue that I am prone to major league isolating.

Wish I had easy answers for both of us, GWhiz. As it is, I can only offer gentle validation.

:cool::hug:

 

[Momofthree]

I can fully sympathize the last time I saw my family (mother, father, and sisters) was Christmas and I ended up in the bathroom having a full blown anxiety attack, popping Xanax like tic tacs and texting my T. I hate Christmas because it is the only time of year where I am 'forced' to be in the same room as them. Because I have three children and I don't want them to be isolated from the family I don't avoid them all together, but I wish that I could. I wish I had advice, but I don't. Just understanding and sympathy.

 

[franciemarnie]

Gosh I know the feeling. I hate when a beautiful day is interrupted and feels destroyed like that.

I have found that the more I heal and change, the less seeing or talking to my family affects me. It used to ruin things for months. One phone call and I'd literally have months of despair. Now, I have to say, it's comparatively easy.

So know it won't always be so bad. They will probably never change. The past will never change, but we can and that makes all the difference. At least for me.

 

[GWhizz]

@Anarchy that's so cool you lived here for 10yrs! I love the leadmines - Dublin is great because you're close to the countryside yet just as close to the city. Only problem is, Ireland is a small place!

Thanks for all the kind comments. I cut my family out of my life completely last January. And it took a while for my mum to take it on board and stop hassling me. She acts like nothing happened. Just as all those years she lived a big fat lie and kept me quiet. I'm tired of the pretense of having a family who are no family in any true sense. So I had to cut them out completely. Christmas' are hard but they were miserable around them. And I don't want my son around them. In fact the final straw was when I agreed to meet my mother so that her and my baby could spend some time together, she turned up with my father. She knew this was wrong yet laughed it off. This was about Christmas time last year. He grabbed my baby, who was merely 3months old at the time, from me and began hitting me with him, telling him 'smack the stupid mama'. We were in a Starbucks café and I broke down again like the scared child (he pitted my siblings against me like this and they found it easier to hit me than get it from him instead). But I was still in mummy mode so grabbed my little boy and quickly left. My stupid mother just laughing it off like he's just a cute grandad playing! I don't need that kinda crazy mindgames in my life or my son's. I ran away at 15 for good for a pretty good reason!

Anyway sorry to rant. I know the day was still positive otherwise. I just can't help but have it bring me down. Bring me back to the harsh reality of it. I don't want to let it rule me but I wish I could control my reactions and responses better - especially the nightmares and flashbacks that ensue after something like this happens.

@ghotiff you didn't de-rail it at all. I appreciate your comment. I hope you're feeling better

 

[Anarchy]

@GWhizz, I think that those reactions are at such a deep level in our brains that it is incredibly difficult, if not impossible to manage them completely.

Those alarm circuits for fight, flight or freeze responses evolved to be as fast as possible - any of our forebears who were born with circuits which checked with the conscious brain first, to see if the reaction was ok to have - they didn't survive to pass that trait on to us - selfish feckin genes indeed!

Don't know if this is appropriate in the circumstances - what was the advert on the radio about 5 or 6 years ago with the line "I'm just a typical Irish mammy, and I'll do absolutely anything for my kids - just to make them feel guilty..."?

On a brighter note, I've a big thing for old mines. I've got photos of most of the old pumping engine houses on Avoca, the dressing plant buildings at Glenmalure, engine houses at Silvermines, Shalee, Quinn in County Clare, Stuff along the "copper coast" and, at Barry's town on the north east of Bannow bay.

The mine at Barrystown is supposed to date back at least to Tudor times and possibly as far back as Norse times - I found all sorts of ring structures around it, and some that I couldn't identify - until it finally clicked that I was looking at the overgrown remains of a golf course!

Back in spring 2002 I was working near to the disaster area that is Tynagh mine, and used to go and poke around in the evenings, looking for the secondary minerals. There were fantastic bee orchids flowering in the middle of all of the toxic lead contaminated crap, right beside the collapsing skeleton of the old drill core store.

Apparently when the Tynagh open pit was being opened up in the 1950s, a peat bog had to be dug away off the top of it. There were big logs preserved below the peat, but they were not the usual "bog oak" they turned out to be from sequoias (big redwoods) that were growing there before the ice ages began.

Take care - and if your still up tonight, sleep well and have a good weekend.