I was just fired and a complete mess!

[lostforgottensoul]

You also seem to be spending time actively preparing for serious mobility assistance - which seems to indicate you won't be able to work much longer.

Unless I'm misreading.

Not misreading at all. What I fear about it though is most of my pain is due to fibrosis pressing on nerves. Fibrosis is scar tissue from the surgies. So its not like a slipped disc or some other diagnosis like that. Whether that matters when it comes to disabilty I don't know but I am imagining that it would. It always seemed to. Pain alone never seems to matter. Talking to an advocate is best though as I can talk myself fully out of it. I see my pain Dr this week so thats good cause I can talk to him about it too. He deals with disabilty a lot I am sure. My step mom's brother said that he was unable to get disabilty for pain only didn't get approved until a psychritrist got in the mix. So my therapist and psychritrist will need to be on board or at least some what on board.

Even if I decide NOT to do those things - as in, I'm unwilling - it's good to shift them from 'can't' to 'won't'. Sometimes, it makes things clearer.

You mean, say I try for disabilty, that would go from I can't work to I won't work? Seems opposite. Maybe I have that wrong?

I'm sure your therapist is very pro-certifications and/or schooling. So am I, FWIW - your options would expand.

I do as well. Time and money which is why I am 36 and don't have a degree or certifications yet. Could never pay for it. My dad is still willing to pay for them, so thats good. If I go that direction, though, I feel I need to stay in the workforce so was wanting to look for a job before getting online and starting to self teach again. I don't think I will go the college route. Seems even more impossible.

What I am worried about is physical abilty in networking administration. So I am trying to figure out if thats the area of IT I want to go. I have a love of many areas of IT. Just don't want to try going that route with certifications just for it to be all for not. Thats an expensive decision.

 

[joeylittle]

You mean, say I try for disabilty, that would go from I can't work to I won't work? Seems opposite. Maybe I have that wrong?

No, I mean things like: you are saying you can't move because you will lose your therapist and will never find or go to another one. I don't think that's a 'can't'. It's a 'won't'. But there may be better jobs and cost of living other places.

Or, just assuming you can't apply for disability for a whole lot of reasons that are hypothetical. You need to research those before they are really reasons.

Could never pay for it. My dad is still willing to pay for them, so thats good

So what's the delay? Why isn't this more of a priority right now?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So what's the delay? Why isn't this more of a priority right now?

A job is a higher prioty but my body crashes on me to a level thats next to impossible to fight. That crashing I could do without for sure! I just got myself moving a little bit though. So thats good. The one job I found wants a video application which freaked me out. Then my body crashed again and fell asleep on the site.

Its not that its not a prioty. Its just there are a higher prioty.

you are saying you can't move because you will lose your therapist and will never find or go to another one. I don't think that's a 'can't'. It's a 'won't'. But there may be better jobs and cost of living other places.

This is true. I won't go another therapist. I know me. But an option I guess. Thats rather scary, leaving the only therapist I have ever open to, believed me, and where i made progress. At least right now. Especially right now. So i can see an i won't and that I could if i wanted to. I hate this area so it is the only thing keeping me here for sure!

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul I think that you are having a hard time accepting the fact that you are disabled, and you don't want to file for disability. I think admitting to this is your biggest issue. Your future isn't one that looks pleasant. You may end up in a wheelchair and I think, filing now "cements" this for you. You're young, I get it, but you also have physical disabilities that will not get better, and in fact will get worse over time. I doubt you will have to appeal a decision. Hands down I think you will get accepted the first time. My sister did, and she isn't anywhere half as bad as you are and she has no mental issues. Ok, she does (she's a bit nutty IMO) but not documented. Shit my own kid got accepted and the thing she filed on was her neck and supposedly PTSD. I have no idea what her neck issue is as she has never shown any discomfort and as far as I know has never even complained about it.

So you have to take help from your father. Do what you need to do in order to help yourself NOW. Once you are settled, then do whatever you want to do. But for now, accept the help. I understand you don't want to break the tie with your therapist. Ok, but think ahead, not in the moment. Without a place to live and money, you'd lose him anyway... At least if you file for disability you'd get insurance too....

 

[VioletButterfly]

Wow, a lot on your plate to consider and weigh out, huh?! If you're still hopping around on job websites, I wanted to add 2 two your list that I think you might find helpful. Indeed.com and SimplyHired.com.

I have a great deal more success with these websites than with Monster. I did a quick search for you at Indeed and found something interesting at HealthFirst in Lake Mary. Not sure how far a drive that is for you, but this is a good company. It is a tech help desk position. I did see mention of Microsoft products., but you would know better than I what is a good fit or not. Maybe take a gander depending on what you can manage right now. The title is: Deskside Support Technician. I also found a tech support position at Spectrum (6 days old). Again, not sure how far that is for you to drive and I totally understand your wanting to stay off of the road to hell, aka I-4!! :devilish:

For the search at Indeed, I went to the front page and typed in "tech support" for the position type and for the city I put in "Maitland" as you had mentioned it previously. When your search comes back, you might want to sort by "date" as it will pull back everything it can find. See left-side of column of search results and click on "date" as opposed to "relevance." Also, you will need to sift to find what might be up your alley or not. I also found quite a few options searching for "call center" in the position type. You can play with it and refine it the way you want to.

Just thought I'd put these out here in case you decide to go this route. Everyone seems to support you no matter which direction you go in, including me, so take it easy and make the right decision for you. I think, often, it's about making a decision and sticking to it; and accepting it and moving forward that are the roughest part of any process involving change. Hoping for the best outcome for you. VB :)

 

[joeylittle]

A job is a higher prioty

i don't know that it is. You can get better jobs completing certification. And, you are striking out on jobs anyway. I'd rethink this one.

I won't go another therapist. I know me.

Well, that's pure willfulness. If you want help you'll go to another one. If you want to stay ill, you won't. Staying where you are at, where you can't get work, can't afford to live, and won't take steps to become more employable OR supported by disabled status...so you can see a therapist who shows no signs of pushing you forward through therapy - I understand you trust him, and I can only imagine how deep the connection must feel, but he's not the only therapist in the world. And you've been with him eight years.

Deciding that you know what you would do - and it's that you would not get another therapist - indicates that perhaps you don't want anything to change. That you are comfortable keeping yourself in this no-options, disaster looming state.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

i don't know that it is. You can get better jobs completing certification. And, you are striking out on jobs anyway. I'd rethink this one.

A certifcation cost anywhere between $100 to $300 each, most in the $150 to $250 range. To be entry level networking for Cosco Networking Certifications there are 2. You are not hireable until you gain both. That is at least $400, if not more. And its a test that if you fail you loose all money invested. That would be my money, not his, as that was the only way he would pay for it. To self teach myself and make sure I pass the test takes time. So there is a lot of money that is needed, that isn't coming from me, and a good amount of time that I don't have before I honestly need to start having income before I will be at least entry level.

Add to that, I don't have a BA in computer science, which almost all IT jobs want. Or all I have ever seen. So to be marketable to any company, I need more then Entry Level networking certification alone. I do have a wider net of knowledge but it is not complete knowledge and at least 5 yrs old. Tech changes fast. I have kept up my knowledge to some degree but my massive learning stopped there. It isn't complete knowledge because all of my 20s I didn't know which direction in IT i wanted to go. Its like an area with 50 roads or more. So I dabbed in this and in that. I still am not 100% sure networking is the right road (so spending that much on those certifications, I better be sure) which is why I have never gone down that road.

So to be marketable to anyone, I really need to have associate certifications. There are 10 of those.

Networking involves walking and moving for installation, setup, and troubleshooting. That is why I am not 100% sure about it. I found my love of the side I got to see at my last job but I never got to go into their networking center that fed all of the greater Orlando area. Basically, I have no idea I can even physically do it. So thats addtl time finding out then addtl time broading my knowledge so I am more marketable. It isn't rational that all of that will not take me past $6,400. It just isn't. Being real and rational about it, it makes more sense getting a job first. It sucks but its the bind I have always found myself in which is why I am 36 with just a high school diploma.

Certifications - Training & Certifications

I think that you are having a hard time accepting the fact that you are disabled

Probablly. I have never filed as I have never wanted to draw off tax payers. But I am ok with that. It will suck and I will be hella bored but I think I am ok with it.

My issue is I don't think my dad will stay longer then Oct. And I need to make sure I remain ok and in a home until it is approved. And not be needing money now and unable to find a job. And that was my therapist's concern as well. There is not cement "you will be approved". There was only one judge here (apparently) that refused everyone. He has retired my dad says (who apparently knows this stuff) so I have a better chance then when my step mom filed but my concern is she has many more documented health issues physically then I do. Yes, I have the addtl mental health issues and that gives me an "up" and, per her brother, a necessity here, but still, I am worried about it. Plus, without healthcare or paying Cobra (who knows what healthcare we will have) that money will be gone way sooner. So then that leaves me possibilty needing income and possibilty have issues finding a job.

Basically, I need a solid plan B which ever way I go and I am having issues finding a solid plan B and only see hopes. If that makes sense. I don't make any decison unless I can see an alt route I could go if that decison falls apart.

but he's not the only therapist in the world. And you've been with him eight years.

No he isn't and I have been there 8 years but my trouble comes with how long it took me to be where I am at. I have been forced to take weeks and months off of therapy and in that time, because I thought that was it, no more therapy, I, without meaning to, went back to almost like day 1. No, I didn't erase any of the progress made but I did re-numb which took a great deal of time recovering ground to come "out of it". I have a livid hatred for therapists and just cause I found one good one, that hasn't changed. So I am just being real about it, I think. The likelihood of coming out of numbness, to a bran new therapist to retouch the shit from the past is low. And that is potentially a deadly decison. I am pretty confident about that as well. My therapist also has the same opinion. He didn't tell me not to leave (nor would he) but he is very real with me and he seemed to not like the idea. I made progress but he describes it as very fragile. So, it may be black and while thinking but I am at least thinking of me future sense and I am very uncomfortable leaving right now. I can take the storm of loosing my dad (with my therapist's help) but not loosing my therapist. Not right now any way. I don't want to stay sick and if I did I wouldn't be paying so much to stay in therapy every week and still going 8 yrs later. But I am SUPER uncomfortable leaving therapy right now. Not forever. Not even sure another year. But not right now.

And I am not really striking down ideas. I don't want anyone to feel that way. Several ways to go and all are good. I am just simply having an issue coming up with a plan B so I don't end up living out of my car. Jobs aren't as easy to come by anymore (apparently) and I am so much more limited now. So its not as easy as it used to be to find just any job. So though I can't stand this area, and how hard it is to live here, leaving, right now, isn't something I am comfortable to do. Not unless I had no other choice. EX: No job.

Not sure how far a drive that is for you,

I live in Altamonte.

My fear isn't 1-4 though I'd likely drive around it as it really is dangerous, my fear is of my car being driven 30 mins each way a day. And if I had a hard time getting 8.5 miles a day getting to Apopka without a car, I have no idea how I'd get a few blocks from Universal without a car. Thats what is the most real thing...my car breaking down before i can buy a new one. Though, my dad has a car and is staying long beyond that new car timeframe, I really dont want to leave them carless and I doubt they will loan it to me as yesterday they didnt like the idea.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I get your concerns. My only thought... A judge doesn't decide when you file for SS. The SS dept either accepts or denies. If they deny, then it goes into appeal. Here in Ma, that's the way it is.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Deciding that you know what you would do - and it's that you would not get another therapist - indicates that perhaps you don't want anything to change. That you are comfortable keeping yourself in this no-options, disaster looming state.

This is something to consider. I've been in this place too and it feels like a deep, dark well. For me, once I identified what I was doing/thinking/feeling, I knew I was stuck in learned helplessness mode due to the trauma and chronic unemployment (breaks the spirit, ya know). I had to accept that no one was/is going to rescue me but myself, so "Up and at it girlie!" is what I tell myself now. I still often drift into this realm as it is a stronghold for me that I still need to break. Yep, totally get that.

So much uncertainty and so many variables in both of our situations. I can relate. I have a time-table as well and limitations on what type of work I can do due to injuries and anxiety issues. I have been trying to situate Plan B, C and D, but my brain just won't wrap itself around how those would work as one can't get an apartment without verifiable income, I can't afford to stay where I'm at and I can't seem to get a job, so am I only left with day hotels? Scary! Part of me believes that being without a job has kept me stuck. On the flip-side, if I want to own it... I have kept myself stuck by not throwing myself at any job that moves even if it is located in downtown Orlando. Fortunately, my car isn't an issue (knock on wood), but I-4 scares me to death. Anxiety x 125! At this point in the game though, I have to own it, make decisions and take actions to help myself. As I noted above, sometimes the hardest part is getting to acceptance of what reality is, making a decision about which way to proceed, and taking action.

Regarding jobs, one thought I did have for you is that if you're in with a good company they often offer tuition reimbursement for what's on your desktop. So, if you're in IT, they would pay reimbursement for IT-related classes. There is a waiting period for new employees, but I wanted to put it out there for you to consider.

I also saw an inbound customer service job at Sears Holdings (not IT) when I looked at Indeed for you yesterday. They are hiring now and provide training, benefits, no degree req'd, etc... It is located a bit north of you on Lake Emma Road, on the Longwood side of Lake Mary. I remember seeing some jobs in Longwood as well; don't know anything about the companies though, but Glassdoor.com is good about providing company reviews. Also, don't forget about the HealthFirst job in LM. That's a good company.

Also, it has helped me to consider that the job I take now might not be my "forever" job, but for now it will pay the bills and provide me with benefits. I'm working on my perspective in this regard. :)

Sending gentle, supportive hugs. Take care. VB

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@She Cat, yes but given that 7 out of 10 are denied the first time filing and 91.1% denied on the first appeal, it is safe to say that at 36, I will need to show that I cannot sit down at a job, like I have been doing. My step mom was told by the judge that since her past work history was sitting down, that she can still do that. He said the same thing on the 2nd appeal. My mental state will then come to the forefront. I will need to prove, essentially, that I cannot control (at the moment) anxiety/frustrated/disgusted tone (and most on here will say I can control that) without anyone understanding anxiety and mental health. And also prove that working is so stressful that it is causing my mental health to tumble backwards (although I have made some huge steps in therapy, while working). And I am 36. They don't seem to like to approve for younger people unless it is a no doubt disabilty, without question. And thats just not the case. I was told back in 2010 that I was "too young" for disabilty and I might as well not file at all. That was the advocate back then that said that. To a degree, that is correct. Unless it is an undeniable disabilty that the examiners can understand then it is useless, it seems. I have to prove, based on health records, my past work history, and the examiner's own understanding that I cannot do what I have always done in the past. Like, I know of a 21 year old with Cystic Fibrosis on disabilty. That is an undeniable and understandable disabilty. Chronic pain by fibrosis and mental illness is hard to prove I can't work. I could sit physically and thats the biggest thing. And my other concern is the latest things in my mental health records, before I lost my job, is that I was doing better. Based on that, I am worried that I won't be the 3 out of 10 approved on first file nor the 8.9% on first appeal/reconsideration. On 2nd appeal, you go in front of a judge and the rate is denied 51.7% and approved 48.3%. So the odds, being 36 yrs old and have issues very hard to prove, are better in front of a judge.

Not being a pessimist. Trying to be real. It doesn't mean I won't file. I still need to talk to my PDoc today, my pain Dr tomorrow, and my therapist on Fri about it and then call an advocate. I will call an advocate. Just watching my step mom, whom has at least 5 seperate issues causing pain, she went in front of the judge twice and he said she could sit and work, though she says she can't sit for long. Her brother also went all the way to the judge. Was approved but not til he appealed twice and he had to "prove" that he was basically "crazy". He went to a PDoc and lied to pretend he had a handful of mental disorders. Lied on the tests he took. He was super smart.

It is harder to get disabilty in Florida it seems. Hearing offices range from a low 37.2% approved in the end to a high 57.5% approved. I believe your hearing office is determined based on where you live. My step mom was forced in front of the exact same judge both times. That took 5 yrs and in the end she was still denied.

Successfully Applying for Disability Benefits in Florida

I still need a plan B though. I can file once and take the appeal if it comes. And like I said, I will at least talk to an advocate, but this is how my mind works. I normally have a few back up plans but I need at least one. Let me talk to my Drs and an advocate and see where I am then.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@She Cat, something I didn't think about is, at 36, is disabilty enough to survive on? The younger the lesser you get I believe. And if it doesn't, can I last until Oct when my lease is up and can I find an apartment I can afford in disabilty without going into the very dangerous gettos here?

My dad isn't staying past Oct so I need to be sure I can make it on my own.

Part of me believes that being without a job has kept me stuck.

That's a fear as well and also why my therapist didn't seem to like the disabilty route. The feeling I got (though he didn't speak about it directly) was that he wanted me to stay in the workforce for as long as absoultly possible. What I have to square in my head is if I am being fully real, I can sit, as I have always been doing and though it is super hard, I have proven I can mange my symptoms of anxiety. I can do things that help that and I can watch my tone. I tripped up, a lot, but I have managed it. To a point. So that, to me, says I can work and if I am trying for disabilty I am saying I can't possibly work. I know many get disabilty for less but they aren't me. If I am a drain on tax payers, I want to square that in my head. So for those reasons, I would say I am struggling accepting that I am disabled.

Many things need to be considered. For instance, the anxiety ran wild but I am now on Seriquel XR and though I still struggled with tone, I was pretty well stablized by it. Its things the examiner will look at so all need to be considered before filing. I can see them saying I can sit to work, as past work history is taken, and I am stabilized mentally with Seriquel XR and declining the file/appeal(s). Its not so hands down when you look at it different ways. Not to me.

My PDoc also stated she stopped filling out the forms 8 yrs ago because it was such a faulted system. Some that really should have gotten it the first time were denied and appealed for several yrs and then those that got it the first time she was like "wait, what?" So she stopped filling out the forms. Therefore, I would be on my own with it.

I guess I should say that I am NOT saying I will never go to another therapist. I didn't mean to make it sound that way. But, the ideal thing is to stay with my current therapist right now. My dad is about to dip out of my life, leaving me fully alone, and starting all over right now just isn't what I want to do. Later maybe but not right now. Its not because I want to stay stuck, as I don't see why I would go to any therapist if that was the case. I don't see how being with him for 8 years means I am stuck and not moving. That isn't the case. But I am trying not to rip the entire rug out from under myself.

So I may eventually move but I do not want to do that unless I had no other choice.

Glassdoor.com i

I believe they are sells?

Sells is out of the question. Though I can sell, being able to pay rent or not being able to based on comission is very, VERY, stressful. Most if not all at least pay a low base pay and anything above that is comission based on sales.

Sears Holdings

HealthFirst

I'll look into these. I have heard of Sears holding. I am not sure what Health First does. I want to look into Spectrum first based on possibily getting my cable & internet (over $200 currently) for free or at least at a discount. When they were Brighthouse the tech told me they get everything up to movie channels and the highest internet at the time for free. If not, when I am alone, I will be buying a new tv for my bedroom and something to stream and get rid of cable all together.

Most call centers I have worked at provide tution reenbursment but yes, it does have to be in the same industry. Maybe at Spectrum, that direction of IT would be a better one? Not sure. Will also look into Indeed and other job sites.

On the money, the 401K after taxes is $5,194.63. So a lot less then the $6,400 quoted and on top of that he NEVER asked for my banking info nor did he read that to me but rather said I would get a check in the mail. That did not happen. They sent it direct deposit through a banking account that is closed. It bounced back and I have to wait another 10 days for the check to be mailed. So I can't get my meds nor can I pay for Cobra until I get that money! I am pissed!

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul Ok so your income would take a huge hit. But, you would get insurance, full benefits without having to pay anything. Plus you'd file for food stamps, and you'd also have to apply for housing for the elderly and disabled, or section 8. If accepted into elderly housing, which you would be, then even your utilities would be free, and cable bill would be 1/3 of what basic is. At least that's how it is here. I can't f*cking wait to get into elderly housing. The f*cking list is huge. 97 people have to die, before I am at the top of the list. I know how bad that sounds, but it is what it is......