I'm So Mad - All I Can Do Is Laugh

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I've been real depressed the last week and barely getting out of bed. I have had chest pains with dizziness so I quit my medication because I thought it was the cause.

I started my medication back up on Friday so I could get out of bed. As a result I got a migraine that about made me go to the emergency room for pain medication because I was puking my guts out from the pain.

I called my mother-in-law to pick up my daughter so she wasn't stuck in the house with me all day while I was in bed.

My father-in-law called and asked me what was wrong 'this time' and I told him I was feeling sick and had a migraine, and left it at that. I didn't want to go into the depression details.

He said, "We have a lot of birthdays and holidays coming up and your getting sick!!!!!!!!!"

As if I have control over this. He thinks I'm trying to get out of going to these family events by making up illnesses? I told him that I don't feel well during the holidays and he asked why. I said, "I was raped the weekend before Christmas and haven't enjoyed the holidays since"

That shut him up. I can't believe I had to say that to get him off my back about showing up to holiday events. This harassment happens every year. Everyone thinks I make up my illnesses. (I wish I made them up)

This is the first time I said I was raped to anyone to shut them up, and leave me alone about going places. I hate being pressured to go places when I feel depressed or sick.

Should I have said that or should I have hung up on him? I'm taking a poll on what most people would have done in this situation. I kind of think it's funny but I also think it's kind of sick to blurt that out.

All responses would be appreciated.

Thanks

 

[rt1967]

Hi seeking, I'm not sure what i would have done and sometimes i discount myself and go along with things that it doesn't do me any good to do probably ,perhaps knowing will give him a way to try and understand what he's not experiencing.Good luck with everything.
Ruth

 

[Deleted member 541]

It should be on our terms, and in our own way that we feel the need to tell others about our trauma. Apparently you felt the you were push to the corner and came out fighting.

The info is out, and now it's up to your FIL to process that info and deal with it respectfully. Although I'm not sure that some people can. Hopefully he will be able to.

I'm sorry that you had to tell him this way, but maybe it's for the best, and he will understand your needs, and your being sick a little better.

Hope that you are feeling a little better.

 

[2quilt]

That sounds like what I would have done exactly, in those circumstances, with FIL being an asshole, it sounds like he has a history of talking to you that way and feels that it's okay to speak to you disrespectfully, you had a migraine and had just about had all the doo-doo you could take that day. You did come out fighting. Now let's see how FIL talks to you next time you come in contact with each other. Maybe this would be a good time to talk gently with the inlaws about holiday expectations, mutual respect, boundaries, etc.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Thanks for everyone's input. I'm glad to know that there are others that would have said the same thing. I've always kept it a secret from most people; there are only a few close friends that know about it.

I started telling people about it in the last two years when I started working on healing my traumas. It seems like I can say it to people easier now than before. I've told 4 people in the last two years.

It felt weird blurting it out like that, but it seems like that is the only way to get him off of my back about holiday get togethers. I usually just say I don't feel good and most of the family has learned not to pressure me, because if I end up going some where against my better judgment, it has gotten pretty ugly.

He seems to be pushy for some reason, maybe he thinks I need to toughen up and go places when I'm in pain like he does. I don't like pain and I see no reason to put myself through that in order to show how tough I am. In the past I usually get even with him some how for pressuring me to go some where, and I don't like playing head games.

I hope he leaves me alone now, but I don't think he will.

This may sound strange, but I thought about making the family sit down and listen to the rape in detail to get it through their thick heads that I don't want to be around people some times. I think if I was actually able to do that, I wouldn't get invited anymore LOL.

 

[2quilt]

"I don't like pain and I see no reason to put myself through that in order to show how tough I am."

And no reason for you to do that, either. If he wants to go out when he is in pain, he can do that. Just say no. I think by now, he has told his wife what you said, who may have asked your husband about it. Do you think he has done this? Does that bother you? He sounds like a control freak. I am glad you shut him down.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi 2quilt,
I think he will mention it to my husband. I'm pretty sure his wife knows that I was raped because her daughter, who is now my SIL was one of the close friends that I told. She wasn't supposed to tell anyone, but you never know if a person can keep a secret like this?

It doesn't bother me that he knows. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but I prefer that no one knows. What bothers me is if I tell some one myself, because then I feel they think I'm trying to get sympathy or something.

My half sister was molested by her step dad and she would tell anyone that would listen to get them to do things for her. I don't like that type of control she uses to get people to do things for her. She used me for a long time by using her molestation as to why she was such a mess, and couldn't do this and that. I felt bad and did everything for her. Now I realize what she was doing after she blew me off when I was in a car accident and was hospitalized for a month. I was no use to her when I was in bad shape. She only wanted to regain a relationship later when I recovered, because she needed something.

She used me again but not as much because I was on to her game, and didn't run every time she had a problem. So since she wasn't getting much out of me she started pushing my buttons to end the relationship, but this time it got out of control and I got mean when I knew she didn't care about me, and just using me. I was seriously thinking about beating her arse. I'm glad that we didn't physically fight now. Unfortunatly, I used to physically fight just about everyone who triggered me.

Well that whole spew was way off the topic of "Does it bother me" LOL. Nope, not really and it will bother me less if he leaves me alone now. I don't want sympathy I want understanding of what no means, and less expectations that I don't owe him anyway.

I feel better now, thanks for helping me get all of that off my chest.

Peace
Tammy

 

[2quilt]

I hope that your husband knows what you would like him to say to your FIL when he and your husband talk about this. I hope that your FIL treats your husband with more respect than he does you, and your husband can get your FIL to back the hell off during holidays, and all the time for that matter.
It's nice to hear that you have a friend in your SIL, even though she may have divulged your secret. She may have told other members of your family because they expressed care or genuine concern for you when you were out sick and SIL thought you would not mind...I have no idea. Only she knows.
Yes, I am someone with a short fuse and I want to kick the arse of those who have harmed me too. Revenge should be served ice cold. I am trying to change my thinking and actions so that my anger does not land me in handcuffs, which is difficult to do with PTSD, and being an incest survivor, rape survivor, and just the general things that happen in life where people rip off people and get away with it. So far, I have been successful with medication and therapy, but the desire to fight is still there.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I'm going to ask my husband if anything was said to him.

I have been to jail so many times I can't count. I got the anger under control for the most part and didn't have a fight for 4 years. Then this girl really wouldn't let up on me for two years, I had to listen to her bad mouth me and I lost it. She pressed charges and I went to jail and I had to pay her hospital bill plus fines. That was 8 years ago so I am really doing good. I have had some real close calls where if the other person wouldn't have calmed me down, or backed down there would have been a fight.

I don't want to be like that. My other personality is very kind, and so I'm trying to balance the people pleaser personality, and the people hater personality out, to a well rounded individual. Lots of work!

Crap, shoplifting was ongoing with the fighting and drinking and eating disorder. I think these things were all addictions. I never did steal from people I knew just the big stores. It doesn't make it right, but it makes me feel like a more loyal person. I try to justify my actions back then, but I was raised by criminals so it's hard not to become what you know. I have no desire to shop lift because I know how bad it is, but for some reason I still have a desire to fight.

I'm finally getting over the guilt and shame of those things I used to do. It took a long time. This is really nice discussing these horrible things with people that understand, I don't feel as bad I guess, because I don't know anyone.

I don't like discussing this with my friends. So it's nice to get it out in the open and off of my chest.

Peace
Tammy