I'm Stuck - Life Goals, Confidence

[Deleted member 541]

Hodge,

Your right, and without YOUR mental health....There is no healthy you to have a job, or a life. Work on you, get better, and then take on life by it's butt......

You go girl......

Wen

 

[EmeraldRiver]

Good for you! Maybe you are getting some of that confidence that you think you're missing back, since you're putting yourself above your work. I hope the next few weeks are more relaxing for you! Hopefully then you'll feel like trying to make those major decisions.

And I almost hate to say it because I think a lot of people disagree, but in the big huge scheme of things, I don't think a job is usually the important decision most people think it is. I mean, yes, you need money to live, and especially with those of us having PTSD, a low-stress job is very very good for most people.

But, most people (with or without PTSD) do not enjoy their jobs these days! I doubt anyone would work if they didn't financially have to. (and those that would are the really lucky ones.) So it's really up to you to find other places, people, and things that make you happy when you're not at work. I am amazed at how often the little things are more important than the big. I don't usually enjoy my job, but I do live a very rich life outside of work these days, and that makes a big difference in how I've been able to manage the PTSD.

Not that you shouldn't try to plan for a new job that you'll like (or love!), but just sharing in the hopes that you will find something else besides work in case your chosen path doesn't turn out quite the way you thought it would.

 

[Deleted member 487]

Since I was a teenager I knew I wanted to work on books. After college I got a job at a publishing company, and I worked there for nearly 20 years, my entire career. Then I was laid off this summer. The industry is such that I don't see a decent future in it for me, so I am also at a professional identity crisis. I have no idea what kind of job I want to do now. I'm living in a rural area without a lot of opportunities and I don't want to move because of family considerations as well as my own personal preference.

IF you still like books, why not go at it from a different angle? 20 years doesn't just "exist" without some kind of gainful knowledge.

 

[hodge]

Thanks, Wendy, Emerald River, and Cactus Jack for your support. I appreciate it so much, I can't tell you. This is so terrifying to me, to have to give up paying work. But I am resigned. I know I have to do this for the sake of my health. It is just so very weird for me. One thing I never used to have to worry about was my ability to work, no matter what. That's gone. At least that's gone in the current project scenerio. I have to tell my editor tomorrow that I can't do this. And then I have to accept it. It's so very hard for me. But I have no choice. I have to accept that reality now.

Then I know I will be faced with the prospect of trying to consider myself to be okay to just exist, to just be, without working. I have a really bad feeling that's going to be really hard. Really hard. I've been feeling on the verge of giving up already. I need to find a way to feel that it's okay for me to just be, without working. I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I know I have to.

 

[Monarch]

hodge, I had the last 2 months off, it was hard at first, then I started finding things to do, the pool, libarary and volunteering to help the homeless. I have kids though so I stay a bit busier. I have read so much though, more than I get to read in a year and it has done wonders for my brain. Just make sure you get involved and stay involved with something. I know we are heading into Fall soon, which isn't bad but then you know what comes after that, the "W" word.. and -20 degrees, I dread it already. I start my new job in a little over a week, I am totally excited and ready...well rested and thankful for my time off so use it to your advantage as well.

 

[kers]

I just wanted to let you know I'm listening, Hodge.
I'm glad you feel like things got straightened out with your therapist. She may not have realized just how hard hit you have been by the PTSD until you made that clear.

I agree with cactus jack--you have 20 years of experience with books and that qualifies you for a lot, both in and out of the publishing field. I don't have any good suggestions for a job search, but please try not to let it get you down (easier said than done, I know!)


kers

 

[becvan]

I'm very happy to hear that you worked it out with your therapist! (I always ask the hard questions.. lol)

Hodge, you can feel okay without working. It sounds like you were using work as a way to hide your symptoms (hmm there goes those 20 years eh? ;)

I know it's very hard to adjust. Make some healing goals and throw yourself in that direction. Healing will be your job.

Rooting for ya!

bec

 

[hodge]

Well, it was really agonizing, but I finally emailed my editor to tell her I couldn't do most of the rest of the project. Actually she responded quite kindly, which was a good surprise, and assured me they want to work with me again when I'm available. So that was a huge load off. But after a few minutes of relief, I started feeling really exhausted, which segued into depression. My psych has been saying she hears a lot of depression in me, so she strongly suggested I try increasing the Paxil from 20 to 25 mg. I started that last Wed. I'll give it another couple weeks. If there's no improvement then, she suggests trying something else. Blah.

Yeah, Monarch, a touch of autumn's been in the air around here lately. I hear you about the "W" word - yuck! I have been able to read again for fun, though, so that's already an improvement. Good luck with your new job! I'm so glad you had a nice break and are looking forward to it.

Thanks for listening, Kers. I hope that after a rest I'll have ideas on a new direction.

And, Bec, thanks for the cheerleading:) I do feel that healing will be my job now. Psych said as much again today. We also talked about how I did use my work as a distraction for all those years, albeit unwittingly. I also used it as a way to prove myself, to sort of justify my existence. I think I was always at least half aware of that part.

Anyway, it is really an adjustment now. I've never been in a position to not be working at a job or even turn down a project if I didn't have other work. It's very weird and scary, but that's how change is. Don't like it, but here I am.

Thanks again for all the good feedback and encouragement.