Intro--reaper Operator

[Wally3430]

Hi all. I'm a USAF MQ-9 Reaper sensor operator/16 years/E-8. Supported the fight from Creech AFB and physical deployment twice to Kandahar. First of all, I want to ensure I don't take ANYTHING away from those of you who have seen the face of war up close and personal outside the wire. I can't imagine how you deal with some of the things you're required to go thru. So..my hats off to you. Having said that, I've had to deal with my own issues from operating from my perspective. Killed a lot of baddies...in high detail, seen alot of friendlies take fire/hit IEDs, seen children blown to pieces. I guarantee it's not the same as seeing it up close in the flesh, but it takes its own toll over time. As time went on, all I thought about was combat, I found my irritability going up, quick to anger, common nightmares, avoiding large groups of people...shit...I even avoided suspicious looking rocks on the side of the road. One thing is strange though....I long to get back in the seat. I want to be right in the middle of the action even though I know it will lead to further "issues". Almost feels to me that supporting the fight, whether it's providing simply ISR, or doing full-up CAS and laying the hate down,....if feels like a drug; have to have it. I've gone in to mental health hoping they could say "Yep, you have xxxx and this is how you fix it". But, after 10 or so trips to the office, the issues have only gotten worse. Funny, I haven't "flown" for about three months, but yesterday a buddy showed me some combat footage (which I would normally get off on), and I damn near told him to turn it off. I simply HAD to walk away...which is not me at all. Don't know why I felt like that at all...no clue. Anyways, I've seen two different doctors....they really havent' been a help. Actually, after seeing them I'm more likely to say "f**i it" and deal with this myself in some way. Doesn't seem to me that they "get it"...they keep focusing on teaching me breathing techniques/time outs/happy thoughts crap. I'm not sure if I was ever diagnosed with anything or not, but nothing has changed with regards to work/career ect. Anyway, just wanted to see if anyone knows what the hell I'm talking about...seems very few do. Frustrating.

 

[LIllabeth]

Wally, welcome. First off, there is no "my crap is worse than your crap because I stood here and you stood there". Everyone's crap is equally, well, crappy. It doesn't matter how you got injured serving your country, it maters that you wore the boots and now need the support the folks here can provide. We understand what the H E Double Hockey Sticks you are talking about.

The breathing techniques/ time outs/ happy thoughts crap can help with the anxiety and panic attacks - ever feel your heart racing and just "need" to get away right now when you cannot identify an actual threat but you feel like there is one near by? Oh, and the bit about it getting worse not better, yeah, that too is normal. Hang in there, it will take a while but things will start to "normalize", whatever that new normal is for you

This is a good place to start. Read the previous threads and posts and you will find so many others who asked questions you have and are reluctant to ask or questions you don't know you have yet. If the answers are not there, ask your questions. It is a lot to digest, so "big marshmallow, little bites" - do not try to take it all in over the course of one day. Read, go for a walk, hang with friends, do something else, then read some more. This place isn't going anywhere and neither should you

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Welcome to the forum Brother.
Those breathing techniques are just coping mechanisms we utilize when needed, or practically reminded when we're tense as shit.
I hardly ever remember unless I'm having a panic attack. The Doc told me once that some guys choose to keep the Hyper Vigilance training...
Which I didn't understand because I'm pretty positive it takes time to recognize and condition to peace time is all.

Don't be afraid to school their asses by dropping some serious knowledge on em when you can.
I've had interesting conversations. Sometimes I've left very pissed off. Most of the time I leave pissed.
But anyhow. You surely aren't alone. Lots of good information on here.

Black.

 

[LIllabeth]

The Dr and the little "old" lady (who is also somebody's mom which gives me super powers like able to fight wars while baking a dozen cupcakes with one hand tied behind my back) both agree here Wally. You have found a place to fit in, learn how to cope and understand what the heck is going from others who share your injury and maybe find some peace. You are not alone and no soldier left behind

 

[Jimmy1]

Welcome Wally,

First of all a big welcome mate from Australia. I want to echo what Lillabeth said, it does not matter whether you were inside the wire, outside the wire, up in the air, or out at sea, with the war on terror trauma and loss of life is everywhere. And once the beast sinks it's teeth in, we all end up the same.
It's what you choose to do now which will dictate your quality of life.

As my brother and sister said before, breathing is good. It's a grounding technique that everyone who suffers from anxiety should practice, but that is easier said than done when we start winding up. Never the less, it's awesome if you can practice it.

To answer your question with regards to getting back in the seat, well once you have been in combat, military training is the only thing that makes sense, you see military training is black and white, there is no grey areas. Whereas society is nothing but grey areas. So, although you might not be effective sitting back in that seat, you would feel at ease as you know what to do and will be told when to do it.



Here are a few articles I believe everyone should read, no matter how much knowledge we think we have, I even go back over them.

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There is also a great video as well.

Then, if you have nothing better to do, go trolling through the other articles found here.

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Once again welcome and good luck with the fight.

 

[Tunnel Rat]

First thing is welcome Wally. I feel for you and can also see your point of view. You see I was a sniper and a lot of the horrors I have are from looking down that scope. That puts me a good mile or so away from the target. I can only offer what I have done to help me cope with my PTSD, anxiety, depression and agoraphobia. I to can not be around crowds, I sit with my back to the wall,not watch horrific s###. The first thing don't watch the news or things that you can not control. The breathing works sometimes but there are times that s### still does not work. I have got a hobby working on things around the house. You need to find a hobby or something to do as soon as you feel it coming on . In time you will see the signs of when to get up. The last thing is the doctors will try to pump you full of meds to help they actually do help but start slowly. I take one drug for about two or three weeks to see how it helps or makes me feel. Then I add another one they prescribed to see if it helps or makes it worse. try these tips and I will add some more later. With me doing things this way I wont end up with drool hanging out of my mouth and I still feel like a real person even though I know that I am messed up still.

 

[Wally3430]

Thx for all the replies. The last time I looked in a forum similar to this there were a couple dudes on there playing the "my issues are bigger than your issues" card. Doesn't look like that will be an issue here. One thing I forgot to bring up which i feel is important is that I am sick of "faking normal". I saw that description somewhere and latched onto it because that is exactly how i feel. I don't want to be the center of attention, the limfac, the weak link, the guy to keep an eye on....but f**k, I'm just tired of trying to hide and suppress my issues. It's funny, if you put your mask on and act professional/good to go when you bring up these issues, everyone thinks it's only a minor issue or that I'm overstating it. So it seems that you actually have to f**k something up, or do something wrong just so folks (especially the doc) will take your issue seriously. Not that I'd do that, but...everyone has their limit I suppose. And Tunnel Rat, thanks for chiming in; I may have to keep an eye on what you say since your job was similar in a way to what I do. In fact, I remember a couple times over the Helmand area talking on a sniper team to a baddie taking pot shots from a murder hole. Wow..there's one flashback...f**k. There was a article that compared RPA operators to Israeli snipers when dealing with PTSD..interesting. Anyway, I digress....part of me wants to just keep my mouth shut when it comes to the VA and Air Force doctors. They don't seem inclined to help and I don't like seeing them anyway. However, as selfish as it may sound, I've been told to get this sh*t documented in my medical records for compensation. Not for the "today me", but for the "tomorrow retired me". Besides, I think it is valid to say that these issues need to be brought up or nothing will get better from a healthcare standpoint.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Hey Wally check out Lt. Col. Dave Grossman's book, "On Killing." Good read bro.
It speeds up the process when symptoms worsen etc, transitioning is not easy.
Get it documented for sure.

 

[Spock]

Welcome home Wally

 

[Grizzly]

Welcome.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Welcome Wally, you're among friendlies here pull up a chair. Welcome Home.

However, as selfish as it may sound, I've been told to get this sh*t documented in my medical records for compensation. Not for the "today me", but for the "tomorrow retired me". Besides, I think it is valid to say that these issues need to be brought up or nothing will get better from a healthcare standpoint.

Very GOOD advice!

Selfish, not at all brother, these are benefits you are entitled to by the fact that like all of us here you wrote out a draft that looks similar to this.

Take the time to do what you have to with the VA now. I waited some 40+ years and today myself and my family just wait for the the other Agent Orange shoe to drop. Can't say if I followed up 10/20 years ago it would be different but I would be a hell of a lot better shape to deal with their BS then. Don't write off the VA quite yet as there other avenues where you can receive both guidance and care. The Vet Centers are a wonderful resource for both, and everything is confidential. You don't need a diagnosis of PTSD to go there, as long as you can show that you are a combat vet you are entitled to their services.

Here is a link: http://www.vetcenter.va.gov/

Us ol' Nam Farts are always keeping an ear to the door - actually, we have to as we don't hear very well anymore.

Good luck brother,

Ba

 

[Lurch]

Wally take it from a medical dude who is going through the same shit you are, not all Docs now their ass from their mouth when dealing with deployment related issues. You have to find one that you are willing to work with and is willing to work with you. I was also told to breath/visualize/count. I had to tell my Doc that it doesn't work for me. These focus relaxation exercises only remind me of what I did to get ready and focused before leaving the wire. It would work me up to no end. I had to prove it to them via a pulse monitor.

Point is different things work for different folks. Don't give up, you will find what you need if you give it effort and dedication. Changing mental health Docs, is not the same thing as Doc shopping. If anyone ever tells you that, then they can come see this very pissed off, grumpy O-5 with a very large chip on his shoulder. I fought for my buddies over in the sand pit, I will fight here for everyone last one that needs and wants to get better here.