Relationship Iraq veteran boyfriend skeptical about everything, causing many relationship problems

[lovemyveteran]

This is my first time posting but I've followed many threads on this site. Hoping someone can give me good advice here :)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, we are expecting our first child in February, I also have an 8 year old daughter. He is a veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom and was there in 2003-2004.

First off, I'm SOOOO proud of him and his service. I have so much respect for him but I don't know how to handle some of the challenges that have come along with his PTSD. We had a big blow up the other night because my brother and his girlfriend lost their baby (miscarried) and I was upset about it so I talked to him. First thing he said was, "are you sure they didn't get an abortion and didn't want to tell you about it?". I was really hurt by this because he wouldn't drop that idea and I had spent the day consoling my brother's girlfriend after she found out she lost the baby so we got into it and he quickly got mad saying that I protect my brother too much and think he does nothing wrong. I was looking for support from him but ended up having to defend my brother and his girlfriend as I know they did not have an abortion...I don't know how his mind even went there. This is a common issue with us. He constantly thinks negative thoughts about my family and friends...he is always skeptical of EVERYONE and what they say and always thinks they are up to no good. I should mention he thinks this about his family as well. I just don't know how to handle this negative attitude. I do a lot for him and support him but I feel like I'm always getting pushed away and doing so much more for him than he would do for me. He will never admit that he was in the wrong and we are both very stubborn. I don't think PTSD is an excuse to be rude so I hold out waiting for him to admit he's wrong and trying to make him see how disrespectful he is being. Nothing I say ever works to get him to see the light. He says I'm being dramatic and that I need to quit being a baby.

He has been out of the service for 12ish years and I met him many years AFTER his service so I don't know if this is a PTSD thing or just a HIM thing. He is truly a great man and I know he loves me very deeply, we just have issues with trust and his patience is TERRIBLE. Please help!

 

[lovemyveteran]

I should also mention that we have not really talked for past two days, since this fight as we are both waiting for the other to apologize. I KNOW he was in the wrong but he thinks I just have a need to be right. Honestly, I can admit when I'm in the wrong and this has never been an issue I've had in past relationships. Tomorrow is veteran's day and I had all these nice things lined up for him (I even made a shirt that says "my daddy, my hero" on the belly to wear for the day). Ughhh...I'm so lost!

 

[EveHarrington]

Just responding in case it takes awhile for a supporter or vet to come along.

From what I've read, Veterans Day is a huge deal for some vets.....and by huge, I mean massively bad. You may be trying to support him but inadvertently making things worse. Some vets abhor Veterans Day and it can make symptoms spike like crazy.

 

[lovemyveteran]

Thank you Eve. I appreciate your input. He doesn't know I have anything planned for him. He has to work and can't make it to come with me on a bus trip tomorrow my family is taking to go to a football game so I'm putting dinner in the crockpot and making him his favorite dessert. I am making the shirt to represent, since he can't be with us, but he doesn't know that yet :) We get in arguments like this regularly so I'm not sure it's any worse due to veteran's day coming up but it is very possible. He doesn't tell me how he's feeling about anything so it's hard to say if I am making it worse or better. He's been talking about joining the legion in our town so I was going to go down and pay for his membership and put that in a card for him when he got home but maybe it would be a better idea to just let him do that himself when he is ready??

 

[dulcia]

"are you sure they didn't get an abortion and didn't want to tell you about it?".

This is a common issue with us. He constantly thinks negative thoughts about my family and friends...he is always skeptical of EVERYONE and what they say and always thinks they are up to no good.

I was with a combat vet for a while. It's almost as if you could take these words right out of his mouth. Something mentioned a lot in supporter threads here is the importance of "not taking things personally". Yes, it can be exhausting and seem unfair to always have to pause and think before responding to his negativity, but there can be a lot more things at play -- like Veteran's Day, as @EveHarrington mentioned. Anniversaries, nightmares the night before, lack of sleep the night before, exhausted from a day of hypervigilance, or any other reason a stress cup could be overflowing or close to it. I wasn't ever able to "not take things personally", which is probably one of the reasons my relationship didn't work out, but I will say this....for the past few months I have been having trouble sleeping (only about 2 hours at a time uninterrupted) and I was a massive grouch. My fuse was so short that anything and everything frustrated me. And then I realized, man....no wonder my guy was such a grouch all the time. And he had been dealing with combat nightmares and 4 hours of sleep a night for years.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I was just getting ready to mention Veterans Day...

Baaaaaaad juju right now with the combat vets. Not that you deserved any of his comments, but I'd put the issue on the back burner for a bit. Save that conversation for a later date.

 

[Freida]

Anniversaries, nightmares the night before, lack of sleep the night before, exhausted from a day of hypervigilance

I just posted this on another thread but yes. Veterans day SUCKS!!! I don't want to leave my house. It's just too damn hard. I didn't sleep the last two nights, keep biting off hubby's head, doing better living thru chemistry just to not run screaming -- even my service dog is keeping his distance. We need to go grocery shopping which means either he goes without me or I double up on the xanex. I

adding to the cluster f++k is a personal military ptsd anniversary.
I want to cry but I cant. I want to scream but I can't I want to break dishes but I promised I wouldnt.

So I just have to hold on and hope I don't do or say anything horrible