I wish I could cry too...
It has been very helpful to read all of this thread for I have wondered what has happened to me!
I used to cry so easily & felt a 'good cry' to be helpful.
In my mid-30's, my mother and I started talking for the first time about the difficult years when my father was drinking heavily. As a family we never talked about it; we never talked about a lot of things, things that we should have.
Mom and I became very close...something that I had yearned for, for many years. She became my confident & she told me that my sister and I were "her best friends".
In 2012, she was diagnosed with cancer.
And the cancer came back...and then came back again.
Before my mother died, I cared for her in her home for almost 6 weeks.
As we would talk sometimes my eyes leaked like a steady faucet.
I couldn't bear the thought of losing her.
When she died, I cried so hard...and again after the funeral...for over an hour, alone in the darkness of their basement.
And then my ability to cry stopped...and the strangest thing started to happen... It felt as if I had 'cared for this nice woman and then she died...just another sad story.' (I am a nurse and worked in the ICUs for many years, I saw a lot)
It was as if my mother was 'just' another patient of mine. (As a nurse, I always held it in for I needed to help the family.)
I felt totally numb.
My father was grieving heavily...
I cried once when I saw his deep grief...as I sat with him, I cried with him. But it wasn't for my own grief. It was just so sad to see his.
And while we helped dad through those 2 years after her death, I was also processing and realizing things about my relationship with him during the years that he drank heavily...the years he couldn't remember.
Sometimes it was hard to be with him. I would feel guilty about feeling this way...
I never told him and I never asked him to fill in the blanks of sone very difficult, partial memories.
I wish I had; I didn't know how.
When he died in 2015, I cried.
And when my closest friend died 2 weeks before he did...I cried.
And those have been the last times.
Lately, I have started to tear up at times...a tender animal story or happy ending to a TV show.
If a tear appears, I am grateful.
I will know that I am starting to heal when the tears come more freely.
Right now, I am just so very sad about what I have realized about my growing up years...and other things that have happened in my life.
My rose colored glasses are permanently shattered.
I feel a painful tingling in my face so much of the time.
The good news is that some of the things I have 'worked through' with my therapist, that felt raw and painful, are now just a memory of a 'bruise'...and it is rare for some of the things I could not stop thinking about, to even pop up in my mind.
Over 8 long, very painful years...in a room that I willed myself to enter every 2 weeks...like stepping out on ice so clear that you can see the rocks below...and trusting that it will hold you.
I trusted.
I walked out on that ice and it held me.
My last session was in June... I've had a few difficult days, a difficult week, some sleepless nights... and I joined this forum. I'm so glad that I did.
I want to encourage new members, those who still find life hard, to keep walking through this very hard stuff, this crap that life can dish out. There is healing. It is possible... Peace and joy and resolution in life is possible.
I am starting to realize that all of what my therapist and I did to affect a healing journey through life, (rather than the roller coaster that I was on) is a dawning reality.
I'm not quite finished but I am still going forward.
Many of you are the reason that I'm starting to realize this...your honesty is refreshing, your courage is beautiful, your kindness has been noticed and felt. Thank you...I am glad that I found you.
K
