Relationship Is It Ptsd Or Does He Really Not See A Future?

[Char88]

I'm hoping someone can give me some advise. Reading all the posts makes me feel better I'm not the only one going through this. Me and my boyfriend have been together nearly 6 years everything was perfect we bought our dream home and we planned our future for when he came out the army. March last year he left the army and to start with everything was good then last June he decided out of no where things weren't working and he wanted space so I moved back to my mums. After a couple of weeks he told me it was over and he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was destroyed heartbroken to me it came out of no where and he destroyed all our dreams and plans. Then after about of month of being nasty to each other and arguing he admitted to me he had been to the doctors and had been diagnosed with PTSD he had been put on tablets and put in touch with a counsellor. He told me he felt he needed me around but couldn't make any promises about out relationship and if I couldn't cope to walk away. I still loved him unconditionally so I stood by him and was there when he needed me and gave him space when he needed it. It was heartbreaking to watch the man I fell in love with who had always been so strong falling apart and I couldn't do anything to make it all better. He started to get better and as he did our relationship started to mend and by Christmas we were back living together and rebuilding our relationship. It was hard he went through phases of being really loving to being distant but I started to learn to give him space I even stayed at my mums once a week to give him some time on his own. Then a few weeks ago it happened again exactly the same time as last year he said he needed some space he still loved me but asked me to go to my mums for a while. This time it was slightly different cuz he phoned me regularly text me all the time and we saw each other and when we did it was like normal. Then the last week he distant himself from me and then at the weekend said it wanted to end it. I know this is his PTSD but I don't know what I can do to help him and make him see the answer isn't giving up on us. I love him unconditionally and would do anything for him but I feel so helpless and lost. Hope someone can help. X

 

[WaveRunner]

I'm 17 days into no contact from my love. I'm not sure if it's over or not. Normally one would say yes i...

Hi,

You are lucky. It sounds like you have a great therapist. Good therapists are supposed to give you the tools and information to make the right decisions. My last therapist meddled and told me to break up with him. That is when I dumped her and found this website.

I feel the same way you've felt - exactly. I don't have the answers on what to do other than you've got to put a limit on it. He and I have *THE* most incredible love story but the reality is: I need consistency. I am very committed but I HAVE to take care of myself and if I can't, then I have to move on.

Please know you are not alone. I relate to you very much.

 

[WaveRunner]

I'm hoping someone can give me some advise. Reading all the posts makes me feel better I'm not the only...

Sweet friend,

This may not help but I have been on the SAME journey as you. I hope someone with more knowledge and experience can comment and offer us all great advice and perspective.

 

[JM_318]

I'm 17 days into no contact from my love. I'm not sure if it's over or not. Normally one would say yes i...

17 days is a long time but like you said, this isn't a normal relationship, so stay strong and lean on those who support YOU, and what you want for/from this relationship. You will know who is your "person" to confide in that just gets it. In my situation we weren't aware of the PTSD symptoms the first few times we "took a break". From my perspective I thought we were a new couple and were still learning and making some adjustments to make things work for us. Which is partially true but now that I can recognize when he's symptomatic and I have seen a therapist to gain some insight, I've learned to not take things personally and that this is his battle with himself. We broke up for 6 months and I couldn't move on, there was something keeping me there with him and it was a different feeling than with other men I've dated. My intuition just told me it wasn't over for us and eventually he did come back. His mom told me that he always told her he didn't want anyone else. I think his symptoms have gotten worse being untreated and he's finally at his rock bottom so he is anxiety filled and wants therapy (he had his first session yesterday). Anyways, to answer your question, no I am completely faithful even on our breaks. I am strong enough (and quite busy) to have my own life and work on myself during those times. I spend time with family, catch up with friends I haven't seen, focus on school, exercise a lot, cook a lot and recently I've looked into volunteering my time to an animal shelter and the VA because helping others will make me happy (still in the works). Just find things to do that will build you up and don't worry about your love life. I feel that learning patience is important in his recovery, and time to yourself isn't all that bad. I'm willing to put my love life on hold bc I feel that sometimes we have to sacrifice ourselves for the healing of others and it's worth it.

 

[JM_318]

Check these out. I think they apply for you!

Check out what JoeyLittle said, that is some great insight and makes complete sense. Sometimes when I feel angry and hurt I always think "how can he do this to me again" but I'm learning to be selfless in these times.

We had a talk recently and it started off negative where he pretty much told me I'm overwhelming and "you and mom need to leave me the f*ck alone.......... For a little while" so not forever, for now. Okay. I gave him some direction- told him his LIFE is overwhelming, not our relationship. It's hard for him to make me happy when he isn't happy with himself and I get that. I told him I've respected his space, I am here to support him, I will love him from afar, and to not give up hope. That part of recovery IS believing you are capable of recovery.

He tends to say things based on how he is feeling in the moment so of course he says things like "I can never live with you, I don't see marriage or kids in my future" (not "our" future, he said "my"). We talk about our future together, our perfect retirement, having a million dogs, and traveling a lot. So I know when he says those things he doesn't mean it.

I told him he takes his negative feelings and then everything else in his mind is negative, and he agreed that was true. Literally a month before he said we would live together great, we have before but this time it would be in our own house and not at moms (he just bought a house). I told him- of course you can't fathom a future, you can't figure out "right now". I told him our relationship is there when we are ready to pick it up. Focus on recovery; all that matters is that I love you and you love me. He said "I love you for sticking around."

Waverunner is there a way we can talk? Does the sight allow us to exchange contacts? I wish they had an app for this site where you can add friends and then text them from the app, would make things easier. Sorry for the late responses!

 

[JM_318]

You may not realize this but you're not just helping yourself: You are helping me as well.

I have...

Also, I feel the same. I'd marry him right now if he walked through the door.

 

[JM318]

I can appreciate someone wanting to stand by their partner while they go through symptomatic ph...

Thanks UniqueSunflower, we put our relationship aside, he needs to focus on recovery and he wanted to initiate the start of therapy alone so I am just focusing on myself for the time being.

 

[JM318]

I'm hoping someone can give me some advise. Reading all the posts makes me feel better I'm not the only...

I am so sorry I didn't respond to you sooner, I have not been on the site but I will be more mindful to check in. I read the part where you said you broke up the same time as the year before...... that has also happened to us as well? We broke up October 2014 for 3 weeks (our first break up) and then again October 2015 (for 6 months). I recently had a conversation with him and it was regarding therapy, and mentioned that there must be something underlying that needs to come out in therapy. Something that he has never shared with anyone that he bottles deep down inside of him. And he said yes. It hurts me so much to see him suffer too Char88, he is the most amazing man that I know, and I tell him he is stronger than he gives himself credit for. Realize that they push us away because we are romantically involved with them, and they are vulnerable to us because of it. My advice to you is to find a counselor (mine specializes in PTSD) and just in 1 session has helped me tremendously. She gave me a lot of insight and advice on ways to cope. Reach out whenever you need to, I know its hard because most people don't truly understand.

 

[Endure]

During that 6 months did you have any contact with him? I'm now 3 weeks out and he still has not responded to me, even though I have contacted him 5 times during that period. I just let him know I am still here and try to show my support of him and encourage him. I have that same intuition and can't seem to give up, but other times I think it's just wanting something that he doesn't. It's very hard to comprehend how a 45 year old man can turn things off and walk away so easily. Even though our last conversation was an argument, it wasn't that bad in my eyes. At least not something that normal people would break up over. But then I have to remind myself he really is not emotionally healthy.

 

[JM318]

During that 6 months did you have any contact with him? I'm now 3 weeks out and he still has not respond...

Endure,

Yes we did have some contact. At the time, we had just started a college class together. I gave him the cold shoulder sometimes, and other times I didn't. He was my lab partner so we needed to talk. He would walk me to my car sometimes, and sometimes he wouldn't. I remember I hurt my foot and he asked if I wanted him to carry me down the stairs. He would text me and tell me "I'm not coming to class one of my military buddies passed away and I'm in no mood to be in public".... it was VERY hard to see him. I cried and prayed on my knees every night before bed because I knew this wasn't our relationship that needed help, but back then he had just been diagnosed and broke up with me soon after. He said things like: "You deserved better than me" and "I cant give you my all right now", he just had no answers for me or for himself. I KNEW he loved me. He even said "I love you but I'm not in love with you" but the fact was, he wasn't in love with himself. He had a lot on his plate. He was unsure about a lot of things and felt he wasn't where he wanted to be in life.

I was confused on whether or not I should stay in contact, or if I should use the "no contact" rule to get him back. I left him be for the most part but there were days he would confide in me, or just have normal talk and that was okay. There were times I couldn't take it and I questioned him on his feelings and he got overwhelmed and pushed me away more. And there was a time he had an anger outburst for no reason, which he never did towards me in the past. His father passed away when he got out of the army which is a big struggle for him. He told me to stop talking about his father like I knew him and that I never did, and never will...... I basically responded calmly and rationally: "I understand you are going through a lot and I'm respecting your space. All I've done is listened to the stories you and Mom share. He made you the person you are today. That's why I care about him, even if I never knew him."

There will be many ups and downs, but I focused on myself the entire time. I bought a kayak, started to go to church, focused on school, picked up more work, ect. We have mutual friends so I did see him out, but not as often as I wanted to. I tried to date a few guys and no one seemed to compare and deep down in my heart I knew he was the one for me and I knew it wasn't over. One day in April we were out with friends having a good time and we connected again, he wanted to open up about things. Later that week he asked me to dinner and we talked more and we decided to try again with new goals set in place. He did admit his fathers death and PTSD was the underlying issue.

Sorry that was long, it feels good to get it out sometimes. It's been 12 days since we have been on a "break" again since his breakdown. My advice to you is that you leave him alone and let him come to you when hes ready. When you push he will pull away. Just give him space. Mine is not too good at communicating his symptoms/feelings and I think its because he doesn't understand yet how to recognize them.

Also, most men will feel relief after a break up, and most women are heartbroken at first. Once the woman starts feeling confident again (which is a few weeks) that's when the men start to question if they did the right thing. So the way we handle a breakup is opposite. The first 3 week long break up we went through, I went to his house in a new outfit and a smile on my face and it made him miss me, because people are attracted to happiness. He was surprised I was OKAY.

I talked to him last Saturday and he still pushed me away at first- but I'm happy to say the conversation started off negatively but ended positively. He said I'm overwhelming and he could never live with me and blah blah... I basically told him it's LIFE that's overwhelming and that he can't make me happy right now because hes not happy himself. I told him I'm not taking anything he says personally because I know this is how he reacts when he is having symptoms. But it's not okay that he is belittling me. He has these negative feelings and then he feeds off of those feelings. I told him I will support him in any way he needs and I will love him from afar. I told him to focus on recovery and that its important to have HOPE that he is CAPABLE of recovery----our relationship is on hold and I told him not to feel guilty for it, this is my choice to stay. I AM MEANT TO BE STRONG WHEN YOU ARE WEAK. I tell him that all the time. He told me "I love you for sticking around" <---- and that right there shows me that he needs me on his side.

HAVE HOPE, support him from afar that's all you can do. Find strength and don't try to reach out to him again, focus on being selfless and patient because that's what he needs. He will come back.

Reach out any time, you are helping me too.

Joanna xox

 

[Endure]

Thank you. It sounds like you had a much longer relationship than we did, so you had that going for you. I know I pushed him too much when he was asking me for space. I feel I screwed up and have ruined things for good. He is back in Afghanistan now, so there is no chance of running into him. I have no choice but to wait for him to contact me. I was hoping when he got lonely over there he would reach back out, but it's been a week now...

 

[TerriB8511]

I'm going through the same thing and I'm glad I found this forum. We've been together 7 months and it's been glorious. This is his first break up with me and I'm trying so hard to just hang in. But I see now that it is a result of PTSD and not me. He assures me he loves me but it's too much stress right now and he needs to decompress. I keep saying just give him time but I'm terrified he won't come back. But that S out of my control. What I can control is being here for him because he'll need me more than ever.