Sorry this is so long, but I think the fact that both of you two couples are still in contact is a good sign. There is always hope of getting back together when you are in communication. Unfortunately I have never gotten that. My situation is somewhat different than yours. He never once said he didn't love me or didn't want me or that we were over. We had long term plans and had just spent a 3 day weekend together which included his 3 young kids and we all bonded really well. The last night together he said his love for me had grown over the weekend. The next morning he kissed me goodbye and said "I love you and will call you later". Apparently the shit hit the fan the next day but he didn't communicate it with me! All I knew was he was suppose to bring his kids to my town for us to go to an amusement park and I hadn't heard from him in two days and he was suppose to be here! So I crossed his boundary by contacting one of his FB "friends" and he blew up. We argued and he tried to be understanding but couldn't deal with what I had done. When I needed to get off the phone I asked if we could talk later and he said, "I don't know at this point. I'm worried about how you overreacted and invaded my space". When I contacted him later he didn't respond. He wouldn't respond to any of my apologies. After a week of him ignoring me I got mad and blocked him on messenger. The next day he completely blocked me on FB. I live with the regret of that decision daily! Now he is back in Afghanistan for 6 more months and I have nothing to do but sit in my guilt with a pit in my stomach that has lasted 5 weeks. All I can assume is I triggered him so bad and since he was already under stress and he couldn't deal with it. He was home for his 3 week break and had so much on his plate to deal with. He never had time to decompress and our argument created one more stress.This is where I believe the PTSD played a role. I don't believe the average man would have walked away from our relationship over this. There was just so much working against us.
I know what you mean about them feeling like they can't make us happy. My vet was always worried he would not be able to give me the attention I needed to keep me happy so I would be faithful for the 6 months he was gone. He's also very hard on himself when he screws up. Military men can't make mistakes, and that's still how he thinks. Yes I overreacted, but it was a reaction to his failure to communicate with me. He should have accepted his role in this and not just let me take the fall. I guess since he had an anxiety attack a few days before I should have still been in "space" mode, but WE HAD PLANS! This is what's so frustrating for me. I blame myself for losing him, but it's not like I cheated on him! He gave up on me too easily. Yet he was the one who was always said he was worried I would give up on him! So that is why I kept reaching out. I wanted him to know I was going to fight for us and for him.That's what you do when you love someone unconditionally.
Sorry for hijacking your thread. I've just been struggling today myself. I don't know what to do anymore and my situations is so different from any advise you read. My vet was 21 years in the military and special ops. He can shut off emotion. Talk about testosterone to the max! He's an adrenaline junkie so when the "Men are from Mars" book talks about the cave, he needs to go to the extreme! Then add PTSD on top of that and it's like walking on eggshells with him! No wonder he has been married 3 times! I'm not sure there is a woman out there who could have succeeded. I have tried every advise out there. All that's left is no contact and to move on. Yes we love these men more than anyone in the world and would give anything to have a normal relationship with them, but is it possible? My counselor warned me he may never be able to have a relationship. That makes me so sad because I want that with him, but he also has to be willing to do the work. I think that's what Silver and others have been trying to say. We can't use the PTSD as an excuse for them. We can support them and love them, but at what cost to ourselves?
