It wont stop replaying..sorry so long

[Quassus]

I've struggled with intense depression episodes, emotional disregulation, and just a ton of things that I never knew had a name until now. I always went through the episodes and then shoved them down until the next episode. I knew I had some COCSA in my past and was very sexual at a young age. I also have narcissistic parents who fought 24/7 and an emotionally/spiritually and sometimes physically abusive mom. So I chalked up my behavior to those things. But I also had a flash of a memory of CSA that never made sense.

About a month and half ago after sex with my husband I had a body memory for the first time of the CSA. It threw me into a freeze state. I couldn't move my body and couldn't talk. My husband was freaked out. When I came out of it I told my husband what happened and I cried in a way I've never ever cried before. Saying it out loud opened a door I had bolted close for a long time. And now I couldn't close it. Saying out loud that I was sexually abused by an adult was soul wrenching.

Fast forward, I could no longer close the doors and knew I had to start therapy. I've been diagnosed with late onset PTSD. I found an EMDR therapist and it's been going okay so far. Learning grounding skills etc so I can start EMDR.

This past weekend I had another memory and this one was different. It was triggered by watching a movie I remember watching as a kid. I felt uneasy and went to bed. I suddenly got a very strong memory. I felt like I'd I let myself I would literally be sucked into and unable to escape it. No longer present in the room. In the memory I was unable to move, unable to escape and I was a child. I kept saying over and over " I'm sorry, I will be good". The words took over my brain. I couldn't stop them. It felt sexual and it felt like punishment.

Since telling my therapist about it I can't stop it. It keeps replaying. I hear the words constantly. I'm starting to freeze up more often. This morning I got up to use the bathroom and froze. I went back to bed and started having an anxiety attack and freezing up. It's awful.

The replay doesn't end. I don't even know exactly what's happening but it definitely feels like a missing piece. It explains so much of my behavior later in life. It's just scary because how could I possibly have forgotten something so awful. I guess I was young and I know I had a very good ability to compartmentalize things as a child. I did it with many things.

If you go this far..thanks for reading. I've been getting so much out of reading this forum...I just hoped someone has had memories on loop before? I feel like my brain is trying to process it and can't. I guess that's the purpose of therapy..just so hard to get through!

 

[Friday]

...I just hoped someone has had memories on loop before?

It’s so common it has a name. One of those good news/bad news kinds of things!

Intrusive Thoughts & Rumination

 

[Quassus]

It’s so common it has a name. One of those good news/bad news kinds of things!

Intrusive Thoughts & Rumination

I have heard the terms but never put two and two together. Thanks!

 

[Albertgirl]

I'm so sorry you're going through this - I also have late-onset PTSD and it's so hard to deal with, having repressed things so totally and successfully for so long. I can't offer much other than to say that I want to send you hugs and sympathy and to say that it can and does get better - but I found it got worse before it did, which is what you're going through. I read a book which suggested that your body/mind represses these things until you're strong enough to be able to deal with them. I don't know how true that is, but thinking of it like that really helped me to stick with the therapy and gave me the strength to confront the stuff I needed to confront. Keep going - you're not alone! xx

 

[arfie]

i'll flesh out @Friday 's assertion that it is so common it has many names, but the names are all synonyms of "intrusive thoughts and rumination." in my strictly personal reference, i call my rendition of this symptom, "thought loops." by whatever name, it is one of the more vicious symptoms in my own chronic ptsd. when i get trapped in my thought loops, i am barely cognizant of what i am actually doing in the here and now.

"tactile grounding" was my first effective tool in dealing with this symptom. with tactile grounding i use my physical senses to gently nudge myself out of the ruts of the thought loop to engage myself in the here and now. emphasis on, "gently." when i push too hard, my thoughts swerve and jolt as wildly as a car jumping out of mud ruts. i often believe that learning how to be gentle with myself and patient with the process was the single most important tool i have learned in my long, hard recovery.

 

[Bamboo]

Since telling my therapist about it I can't stop it. It keeps replaying. I hear the words constantly. I'm starting to freeze up more often. This morning I got up to use the bathroom and froze. I went back to bed and started having an anxiety attack and freezing up. It's awful.

The replay doesn't end. I don't even know exactly what's happening but it definitely feels like a missing piece. It explains so much of my behavior later in life. It's just scary because how could I possibly have forgotten something so awful. I guess I was young and I know I had a very good ability to compartmentalize things as a child. I did it with many things.

I relate to this very much. When i first told my T about my thing, the next 5 days my mind was swirling with 38 years of repressed emotion though i couldn't really identify what the emotions they were. Not sure how to describe it. Like if you drew a picture of someone's mind and then just wildly scribled all over that entire area......that's how I felt inside. Weird, I know, but its the only way that I can describe it. And flashes of memories that were NOT in my conscious mind for decades were suddenly overwhelming me over and over. It wouldn't stop. It was the one and only time I ever contacted my T and asked to come in before my next scheduled session. I was really struggling to function.

 

[Quassus]

I relate to this very much. When i first told my T about my thing, the next 5 days my mind was swirling with 38 years of repressed emotion though i couldn't really identify what the emotions they were. Not sure how to describe it. Like if you drew a picture of someone's mind and then just wildly scribled all over that entire area......that's how I felt inside. Weird, I know, but its the only way that I can describe it. And flashes of memories that were NOT in my conscious mind for decades were suddenly overwhelming me over and over. It wouldn't stop. It was the one and only time I ever contacted my T and asked to come in before my next scheduled session. I was really struggling to function.

Somehow I missed your post. I appreciate knowing I'm not alone in this. I think more the anything, it has helped me to read others experiences and see that in many ways " we are all the same". It's comforting.

Having these memories all the sudden is horrible. Like how?? How could this be true?? I have some very vivid bad memories that ive had all my life..but these are just..I can understand why I would want to lock them up, but how could we loose all memory and then bam...there it is. It makes them seem impossible, but then my brain must be really twisted to make up this. And my reactions to them and the things that trigger them are to real.

 

[Bamboo]

Somehow I missed your post. I appreciate knowing I'm not alone in this. I think more the anything, it has helped me to read others experiences and see that in many ways " we are all the same". It's comforting.

Having these memories all the sudden is horrible. Like how?? How could this be true?? I have some very vivid bad memories that ive had all my life..but these are just..I can understand why I would want to lock them up, but how could we loose all memory and then bam...there it is. It makes them seem impossible, but then my brain must be really twisted to make up this. And my reactions to them and the things that trigger them are to real.

I so very much understand how you're feeling. I told my T quite awhile ago now and I still wobble back and forth between the fact that I know that these reactions and triggers that I have are coming from somewhere and the question of how can something so horrible be contained without conscious thought for decades?

A one dimensional memory suddenly opened up into a 3D nightmare. And every post, website, book, podcast ect confirms that these reactions I've had for years generally point to the same thing, confirming it all, I still fight it. And it's the memory thing that does it. I keep saying that this is something that I would totally believe could, and does happen to people. But to feel it personally.....it just seems....too unreal. How can it not be there, and then it's there. And how do I know if what I remember as we go along through all of this is real or if I'm just making it up? How do I know that my brain isn't just thinking up the next logical thing that would have happened? Reactions, triggers, validating books, articles, podcasts aside, it's still incredibly hard for me to accept that I could forgot something like this and all of the sudden, there it is.

 

[Quassus]

I so very much understand how you're feeling. I told my T quite awhile ago now and I still wobble back and forth between the fact that I know that these reactions and triggers that I have are coming from somewhere and the question of how can something so horrible be contained without conscious thought for decades?

A one dimensional memory suddenly opened up into a 3D nightmare. And every post, website, book, podcast ect confirms that these reactions I've had for years generally point to the same thing, confirming it all, I still fight it. And it's the memory thing that does it. I keep saying that this is something that I would totally believe could, and does happen to people. But to feel it personally.....it just seems....too unreal. How can it not be there, and then it's there. And how do I know if what I remember as we go along through all of this is real or if I'm just making it up? How do I know that my brain isn't just thinking up the next logical thing that would have happened? Reactions, triggers, validating books, articles, podcasts aside, it's still incredibly hard for me to accept that I could forgot something like this and all of the sudden, there it is.

Yes! My T says it doesn't matter if it's true because the brain is putting it there for a reason, but...in my mind it matters. Especially when my brain is telling me someone in my life perpetrated it. But, she also says maybe we will never know for sure and all we can do is deal with what we have and change the way it affects your life. But, it's still not easy!

And I've definitely listened to and read so much on the topic. Everything I can find. Buy you are right, in the end I still question it.

Thank you for sharing. I know its common to question but its nice to not be alone in it.

 

[Bamboo]

Yes! My T says it doesn't matter if it's true because the brain is putting it there for a reason, but...in my mind it matters. Especially when my brain is telling me someone in my life perpetrated it. But, she also says maybe we will never know for sure and all we can do is deal with what we have and change the way it affects your life. But, it's still not easy!

And I've definitely listened to and read so much on the topic. Everything I can find. Buy you are right, in the end I still question it.

Thank you for sharing. I know its common to question but its nice to not be alone in it.

My T tells me the same. And just like you, I also think...."but it does matter". It's almost like I feel as though I can't any kind of closure/healing unless I see it all through from beginning to end. Like I have to have the whole story in order for me to finally believe it. And yet......I fight trying to get the whole story because I also DONT want to know. It's as if there's a part inside me that stops it. Big me knows it's needed. But little me says no way are we going there. So I'm stuck in this self induced loop of wanting to remember in order to believe it but not wanting to remember because then I'll have to believe it. I know that makes no sense whatsoever. Hard to explain the cycle of it that loops through my head. But it's always there now. Thanks so much for sharing. It always helps to read someone write exactly what's happening with me. Tiny tidbits that I hope help me to believe myself little by little

 

[sidptitala]

I'm stuck in this self induced loop of wanting to remember in order to believe it but not wanting to remember because then I'll have to believe it

wow this is such a good description. this is where i am too

 

[oh!theperspicacity]

This is where I'm at too. Just connected some dots and realised I'm repressing something dark and awful. I want to know but the thought of knowing makes me feel sick. I can fill in the gaps and make assumptions about what happened but I've been trying to journal decriptions only of what I remember, no gaps filled. I guess when my mind and body are ready, it will come.