Ive Been Catfishing The Love Of My Life/ Lying About Who I Am

[deonne smith]

Stupid ****** idiot right??? I gotta be the dumbest idiot in the world! Trust me. I'm punishing myself because of this.

I've been dating the love of my life online for 4 yrs FOUR ****** YEARS CAUSE I WAS A FAT PIECE OF **** WHO DIDNT HAVE ANYBODY WHO LOVED THEM. AND IN FOSTER CARE! and has severe PTSD Because of my terrible childhood Lame ****** excuse right? Yeah I know ****** pitiful. But now guess what? 4 years later I've lost the extra 100lbs. I've grown to be what a lot of women call an extremely handsome guy. I have a great body, really nice tattoos smile,very soft loose curly hair and green eyes, milk chocolate skin and HUNG LIkE A ****** HORSE! MORE of her type then the guy I've showed pictures of ! IDIOT RIGHT??

Now when I say this girl is the love of my life I mean it and she feels the same way. She found out how I lied about my ENTIRE Life story and when she found out the truth all she could say was "I LOVE YOU!" "I'm so sorry that this happened to you" "I'll never leave you, I'll always love you." But since then I stopped sending her pictures. and she stopped asking for them. Then she started asking questions like 'did you ever see catfish?" and then she told me "if you did that I would understand" "I've thought this every since about 3 months of talking but I've never been able to let go of the feeling you give me" but this is a huge lie HUGEEE Lie. She even went as far as saying "I don't care if you were a burn patient I'd still be with you." or "I could never love anybody the way I love you. And I know nobody will ever love me the way you do."

Now she has had some UGLY *** BOYFRIENDS LIKE WORSE 10XS WORSE THAN I USED TO BE. I'm extremely high right now so ignore the typeos please but I don't know what to do. Were on a break right now and shes been getting high and partying like cray but hasn't really dated. Talked to a guy for a week and cut him off. Shes still a virgin and told me she could never give herself to anyone but me. I want to tell her the truth but will that scar her more??? Or should I just never answer the phone for her again?

I'm hurting so bad cause I know I DID THIS TO MYSELF AND MORE IMPORTANTLY I DID THIS TO HER!!! I deserve this pain!!! I Know that she wont forgive me. I wouldn't forgive me and eve if she tried there will always be skepitical. That's the ULTIMATE BETRAYAL OF TRUST! I don't know what to do. I really don't. Without her I would've taken my life years ago. I feel like without her I don't belong here.

 

[deonne smith]

But I will not commit suicide, I am seeing a therapist.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Just tell her the truth or you'll have no chance of a good future with her. You've been given a HUGE gift but you're considering throwing it away? Most people wouldn't be so forgiving. Don't throw this away. Come clean and start fresh. If it doesn't work out, then next time you'll hopefully not live a 4 year lie.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

I agree, she's accepted and forgiven your lies in the past and seems very open to your honesty now. I wouldn't waste any time in telling her, especially because of your confidence being so high!

 

[macca]

This is so hard. Please try not to beat yourself up about it - it seems to have been driven by fear (PTSD) rather than any bad motives on your part. This girl seems amazing, and forgiving. In fact, she may be more able to forgive you than you are of yourself yet. Best thing to do - come clean.

 

[RainbowTrout]

Please tell me what happened. When you finally told her, did she forgive you and move on with you?

I am in a similar situation. I also have PTSD and I'm not looking to blame anyone else but me for my actions and my lies, but I don't understand why I did this to him, and to me. I don't know how to get past this. Will he ever forgive me?