Let's Talk About Sex

[EveHarrington]

Avoiding sex and even flirtatious relationships as they have the potential to go astray. Working on forming stronger friendships and becoming more secure in that arena first.

Yes, sex has been a major issue. I'm very much in the relationships from friendships camp as casual sexual relationships aren't for me.

 

[I'm not Spiderman]

My abuse was my first (and only) sexual experience, so my experience is really warped. Took me a long time to grasp that sex and sexual assault are 2 different things. I'd love to be in a relationship and experience the good side of things but there is the FEAR which never leaves. For me it is really a game of trust and I don't think I can go there. Casual is not for me - I can't even go on a date lol. The most I can do is flirt, create a facade of being some super goddess and pray nobody comes close enough to see all the damage behind the mask.

Someone said this earlier, but I also really miss men. The best relationships in my life which have enriched me - the most supportive the most influential - have been with men (I don't mean partners btw) but I don't have any more. Except for family men (safe zone) and work men (unavoidable - but also safe zone - professional controlled environment). I just feel like I've been cheated out of experiencing life in the way that I could have enjoyed.

I've worked on a lot of things but this is the one area which still remains unsolved and as difficult as it was from the beginning. Abuse has screwed with this the most.

 

[Kodah]

I should take some this advice myself.

It comes down to what do you want? It's a journey to a destination. Then you can steps toward that destination. By the way, the journey is the destination.

You you don't ever really get to the end as the true end is death.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@Kodah who said the journey is the destination. So very true.
I have to have goals. It's just the way I'm wired. Rarely is there a great satisfaction in reaching the goal and if the is, it's momentary at best.
I went to a therapist for sexual dysfunction for a while. It didn't help resolve the dysfunction but it did make me realize a few things. I know so little about my body. When the T asked me what I liked, I honestly had no idea. I still don't so I probably never will.
I trust too little and if I try to think what gives me sexual pleasure I only feel overwhelming shame.
My examples of womanhood were so distorted since the two examples were my mother and sister.
They were very provocative and dressed that way. My sister was so bad, when her now grown daughter was in grade school, the principle came out and told her she could not pick up her daughter dressed the way she was. That just made her get worse.
I was often embarrassed to be seen with her and felt guilty feeling that way.
Even way toned down as a teenager, I dressed provocatively, wore too much makeup and said things unknowingly that were come ons.
That got me into a couple of situations where I was forced and I remember so clearly accepting as a fact that men were just going to take what they wanted anyway so there was no sense in saying no.
I never felt my body as a part of Me. Sex equaled power & abuse and I never learned to separate them.
I am at an age now I don't feel so threatened all the time. But when I start eating healthy and exercising, I get to a point the fear starts taking over. I feel threatened when I look good. I feel vulnerable, exposed and unsafe. So the exercise lessens and the binging starts.
I can't be whole and not love and take care of my body. I have never felt comfortable in my skin. I hate my overwheight, out of shape self and fear my healthy body. It's a catch 22.

 

[Teasel]

Wrote out a long reply but it's been lost!
I felt v segmented about this - there's a part of me - dominant almost all the time that's overly prudish, and I get why.
I'm sure that me as I might be been without all the abuse would have luxuriated in everything sensual but.
Guilt & shame are huge.
My abusers were the type to make things physically enjoyable and use that as evidence to claim I wanted it.
I hate them.
I dissociate during sex now. I say now I mean years ago. There's a part of me that takes over and HAS to make sure things are over ASAP.
Am v aware that the whole thing has been taken over by the abusers. Way to make it feel like my very brain and body are betraying me.
I have no idea what a simple and lovely intimate relationship would feel like and suspect I'd run a mile.
Also realise for years their ideas of what was sex infected my brain - weirdly having reactions to ridiculously male ideals of females or something.
Think it's like part of me values what the abusers valued. And another part of me rebels against that so totally...

Regularly find myself sobbing any time any normal thought about it comes up. Which is rarely cause it's usually totally suppressed. Except in dreams.

 

[Friday]

I'm very much the opposite of most of this. Sex has always been one of the best parts of my life.

 

[Stickler]

I tend to hypersexuality, or at least a very robust sexuality. While with my (eventually discovered to be pretty-much asexual) ex-wife, I realized that my sex drive is part of my drive to connect with others.
I think polyamory is more natural for me and monogamy is not, not that polyamory does not present different challenges.
At the moment, I am finding I like BDSM...a LOT more than I like ordinary sexual practices.
I am sure that's about my abuse history, but it seems to be a positive, controlled sort of re-enactment.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Many who have abusive pasts are drawn to the lifestyle. Those abused and abusers alike. The adrenaline addiction of retraumatization is a very slippery slope. I don't judge but I do question if the lure is healthy.

 

[Lionheart]

I am an adult survivor of sexual child abuse.

My past activities have run the gamut from celibacy to excessive masturbation / hypersexuality, to sex with single partners, multiple partners, to revictimization through *repetition compulsion, *(compulsively seeking out abuse that re-created the original trauma), heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bi-sexual activities etc., etc...

I had to find the difference between what is abusive and what is considered to be generally healthy. I had to learn to be present during sex and learn that sex now is not the same as sex during the abuse. I've had sex with and without intimacy and learned what my preference is and what is best for me.

I had to learn that my sexual orientation was essentially neither homosexual or heterosexual, but was instead abuse, ....(as opposed to healthy sexuality). It has taken quite awhile for me to differentiate between what is healthy and what is abusive...for me!

I had to find where on the bell curve my preference lies and decide from a place of healthy love and acceptance what my sexual activity would consist of....again, for me.

I am happy to say that I am in a healthy relationship now and have a loving, understanding, and supportive partner, ...but this was obviously not always the case.

If I have anything to say to survivors of trauma, it is to explore your truth with a trustworthy professional and please seek help instead of beating yourself up if you do things that you do not wish to repeat, or if you have inclinations or compulsions that are skewed due to abuse trauma.

As they say, life is a dance ya learn as ya go, so cut yourself some slack but, also be especially careful where your health and safety are concerned!!

 

[Mallaky]

I don't judge but I do question if the lure is healthy.

For a few months now, that is where I am at. I just am so scared that it is unhealthy that I am pretty much celibate at the moment. It sucks. For years I was okay with it, and had tons of fun and it was all around great, but then someday I became afraid its mentally unhealthy. Read too much of this forum, lol. Now I just cannot shake that fear.
My partner is very supportive and understanding, and luckily has a very weird sex drive. He basically wants exactly the amount of sex his partner wants. (This is supposedly pretty common for people with Asperger.) So I lucked out there and at the moment its not a strain on the relationship, but can't continue like this.

At the moment, the whole concept of sex is tainted with stress and insecurity. That nagging fear, that even light BDSM is stupid and unsafe and somehow shows I'm damaged or whatever. Never had that before. And even doing vanilla those fears and shame is there, because I am very aware that without those doubts, it would not be vanilla.

I am stuck.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I appreciate the honesty I have seen here. My sexuality the dysfunctional aspects has been such a ..... Burden. I can joke about it because it is easier to get it out. But I hate my body because of its sexual nature, the desire, the lack of desire. In all honesty none of the main men in my life were visually/ sexually attractive to me. I was too afraid. There was always something that attracted me but it wasn't physical. That is just warped.

 

[RavenGirl]

I never had an orgasm with anyone until my (now) husband. Sex to me was dirty, and something you did because men expected it and if you loved them you "had to do it" to keep them happy. I'd fake an orgasm to get the act over and done as quickly as possible.

My husband was a virgin when we met, shy, kind, gentle, and very patient. That was actually comforting to me and gave me the courage to let him know although I wasn't a virgin I'd never had an orgasm. (No, I didn't tell him about my abusive past, although he knows now) He was very patient and together we have grown.

I have never trusted and been as vulnerable with anyone as I have been with him. I know if it wasn't for how tenderly and lovingly he treated me that first time we met I'd probably still be single and celibate as I had no intentions of ever meeting or marrying. I had sworn off evil abusive men thanks to my brothers.

I'm not very sexual, most days I can Take it or leave it. But I love my husband so I make a point to connect emotionally. I also Make an effort sexually with him because when I do it's quite enjoyable.