Other Let's Talk About Sexual Coercion

[Moxie]

I want to have a discussion on sexual coercion. Specifically, regarding coercion from acquaintances. I want others to share their experiences or give examples of what sexual coercion is. This is a topic that is really bothering me recently. I have been subjected to it in the past few years and I want to connect with others that have experienced it. I feel like when one is sexually coerced it makes it extremely hard to understand what has happened.

Sexual Coercion | Definition: When someone pressures a person in a non-physical way into having sex (which makes it non-consensual)

 

[Muttly]

Oof, I am off to work in a few minutes so don't have time to reply. I want to come back to this. Until I have time, I will say it's something I find hard to talk about. For one thing, I feel people don't understand and get anxious talking about it here. The experiences I had weren't rape. I get that. I get that I could have said "no". I feel like since I eventually gave in and agreed to have sex, the emotions I had from the experiences will be dismissed.

 

[Moxie]

Oof, I am off to work in a few minutes so don't have time to reply. I want to come back to this. Until I have time, I will say it's something I find hard to talk about. For one thing, I feel people don't understand and get anxious talking about it here. The experiences I had weren't rape. I get that. I get that I could have said "no". I feel like since I eventually gave in and agreed to have sex, the emotions I had from the experiences will be dismissed.

I know you feel like you could have said no, but you can also say no when someone holds you down. That doesn't mean they'll stop and that doesn't diminish the fear that saying no won't make it escalate to a more violent approach from the attacker. I feel like coercion is a very ignored form of rape. It is psychological.

Bottom line, if someone forces you or pressures you, whether it be physically or psychologically, it is rape.

For example, in my experience, my abuser was a very aggressive person. He hadn't been aggressive to me, but I was well aware that he had a lot of rage issues. I had already told him no. He continued to whine and cry about how he was so lonely and wanted to end his life because of it. Then he touched on me and I gave in. I was scared he would hurt me or hurt himself. I was scared in general because he didn't accept the first no. It was unlikely he was going to accept a second no.

Then, later, when I felt comfortable to tell him it made me uncomfortable, he profusely apologized and said that doing that made him want to blow his brains out.

It continued to happen a few times in the years following. And I let him know I was uncomfortable every time. Eventually, he convinced me I was making the choice. This destroyed me.

Later, I found out he did it to someone I know. I confronted him after publicizing it to one other person. He got very mad, he didn't lash out physically but he went on a smear campaign and went on a mission to save face.

This was awful. I've noticed in sexually coercive situations, self-blame is a very common occurrence. It blows. But the thing is, I think that the perpetrator knows that he can get away with it if you blame yourself.

 

[Weemie]

I think whether someone classifies it as rape or not (since "rape" is a legal term as well as a colloquial one) it is still an incredibly negative, and often traumatic experience. Legally speaking, you're unlikely to face any real consequences for "wheedling someone" until they f*ck you.

But socially is a different ballgame. I am fully on-board with naming and shaming every one of these assholes, since that is the only thing that seems to get them to modify their behavior. Fortunately, in the age of #MeToo, many more women (and men, to a lesser extent) are being believed about these things. Your window for getting away with this stuff in the entertainment industry seems to be closing, and that can only be a good thing.

It still happens on an overwhelming level, but I am sure it happened even more beforehand. Societal revolution on the whole seems to be the only solution, for the time being. A cop sure as shit isn't going to care. For the record, I put absolutely zero stock into anyone using suicidal ideation to manipulate me into feeling sorry for them after they harmed me. If you want to kill yourself because you're a sexual abuser, then get therapy and stop sexually abusing people. Case closed.

It took me a long time to understand that I was raped by an acquaintance in the legal sense of the word. I was too drunk to consent, while they were sober. At several points I actually blacked out. The times I remember, I had appeared to completely consent by "participating" at the beginning - due to a very extensive history of sexual slavery, I knew that if a man wants sex from me, I am obligated to agree and "make it good."

I was only in my early 20s at the time and had not fully begun to comprehend the scope of my prior experiences. The guy who raped me in his trailer with his girlfriend participating and watching (this happened 2 separate times, so I actually went back a second time), neither of them were violent or even particularly cruel. It hurt a lot, because I have serious vaginismus, but I patiently endured it without fighting at all.

And there are several points where I have absolutely no memory of anything. Sadly, rape can occur in many forms. It's not always stranger rape on an old jogging trail like in Law & Order SVU. Most of the time it is perpetrated by someone you know. (Although I have had the "stranger rape" thing happen to me as well, in broad daylight, with CCTV recording it. Sooo.)

 

[Movingforward10]

Not being allowed to say no, for me is rape. I know others disagree. But it's how I hold it. It's very traumatic.

The manipulation. The pressure. The not listening when you said no and continuing with their explaining why you need to say yes. It's coercive control. It's not a freely given yes.

For me, I had already said no to other people on previous occasions and then they did it anyway (rape/assault). So I already had the knowledge of it's even worse saying no and it happening. So saying yes makes it less painful because I said yes , even if I didn't want to.

One example of me saying no and then say yes. I did it because I agreed , eventually, that it was kind of him to walk me home and because he did that of course I should have sex with him. (I never asked him to walk me home and I didn't want to have sex as I didn't find him attractive in the slightest). He had incredibly large anatomy. So it was all incredibly painful. He then publically humiliated me by telling everyone ridiculous things about my anatomy saying how mine was so big to be able to accommodate him. I already had a history of public humiliation, with the first assault I experoenced being told to everyone in my school, and being bullied about it for the rest of my school years. And being raped Infront of two men who watched.
So all in all, that one experience of coercion was hugely traumatic for me.
And that's just one example.


It's a horrible thing to go through.
I'm sorry you experienced it.

 

[Muttly]

And I am sorry you experience what you did @Movingforward10. That sounds awful.