Love Her, Hate What She Did - A Period Of Childhood Sexual Abuse

[Bedbug]

@HelenB, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Some thoughts...

I do understand why in so many ways it would be easier to just believe that she was a good person who did this wrong thing, but do think that evaluating the depth and reasons behind these feelings would be important.

I am trying. I haven't decided what to make of it yet. Most of it is still fairly new to me, even though it happened so long ago.

does not mean there are not or should not be consequences for the abusers

Is it my responsibility to bring about these consequences for my abuser? She may have got off scot free, but she may have been wracked with guilt all these years. Who knows. But suppose she were to get away with it, would that be my fault? Now that I have realised that she hurt me, can I not chose to turn the other cheek, forgive and forget, or so many other options rather than hitting back?

Of course, if I thought other victims are involved then that would change the picture somewhat.

ultimately believe that the truth being out and everything being out in the light, though it is so hard in the short term, is the the way which most healing can be found.

Hmm. Interesting. So much to figure out...

 

[Bedbug]

@HelenB, I was typing my last post when you posted your next one (#12). I just wanted to say thanks. I really appreciate your kind words.

 

[HelenB]

I can see that you are trying to evaluate it all and can relate to that so much. It was also a long time ago for me but all these things are just surfacing for me now.

I think that what is your responsibility is to yourself. I personally feel that forgiveness is very important but forgiveness is for you, and also very important within this is allowing yourself to express, release and validate the feelings which will have come from the negative aspects of your relationship. Forgiveness does not unfortunately mean that it has never happened and I do not believe that we can just forget, and I do not really believe this is forgiveness. I believe forgiveness is about weighing up the reality and choosing that we are not going to hold on to bitterness and revenge, which I do not believe do us any good, and believe to truely forgive we do also have to take hold of the realty of the things which happened so that we can release them and do not end up instead in a cycle of denying the reality or the impacts of it.

The reality it seems for you is that she did give you good things as well, but that with the abuse she totally betrayed you and your trust. Personally I do not agree with what some others feel when they think that people who abuse are just totally evil and that all good actions are simply grooming to get about the bad thigs they want. I do believe that there are people who are very selfish and do work like this, but do not believe it is the same with everyone, and personally have found it much harder in many ways with the person who I believe did really love me to, than my father who was the other main abuser in my life, who I do not believe ever loved or cared about me at all.

In terms of the abuser getting off scott free, I do not believe it works like this. Again I believe that your responsbility is to yourself, and if the consequences of confronting are going to be so detrimental to you, I do not think you can say this is your fault. This is the fault of the abuser. If you were seriously concerned about other children, then I agree that it does change the picture somewhat and do think that it is important to weigh it all up and really consider the realities of this being the case, but still think that there is no way that you can say that the choices the abuser makes could be your fault, as this is simply not reality, and as I said before, even if you did say something, this does not necessarily mean that the abuser would have to face any consequences anyhow.

I personally believe that for me when these things hapened, that the little girl inside me who it happened to, I effectively locked away and blamed and was not in any way able to face the reality of the things which happened. Now they are all surfacing a massive part of my journey has been allowing that little girl inside me to finally have a voice, but I am also very aware, that in many ways this part is still very much the little girl who I was then, and in many ways know the vulnerabilities of that, and do now that though I am also an adult and do have adult responsibilities, which have included to other children who could potentially be at risk too, I have also had to be so aware of the place I am in within myself and also ensured that I have been in a place to protect that little girl inside me too, I know that confrontation and all the many conflicting responses which can come from that, can be so detrimental when I am already in a place where I blame myself anyhow, and a response of denial from the abuser or anger or blame beling placed on me, I know would just take me right back to that self destruct and hating myself place so much, and in reality I have learnt so much over all the years, that my own self hatred and self blame is the thing which has done the most damage to me, and that for my own safety and healing, I really do have to also do everything I can to protect and look after that little girl who is so much inside me, and that as I can do this more and more and become stronger in myself, I will come more and more to a place where I am able to confront it all in a very different way,

For myself I also do not see confrontation as hitting back. I see it is being real and feel that in so many ways the cry of my heart for so long is that I do want to finally be able to be me. For so long I have denied even to myself the realities of what happened, and even now still struggle so much with it, and for me I actually want to be able to come to a place where I can confront my abuser, because I want to be real and not have to just hide away that little girl who is effectively inside me any more. In many ways without that, I feel that so much of our relationship is just false and from that place do not even feel as if I can take hold of and accept any of the good things either, and know for my own healing, not having to hide away this broken part any more is such a massive part of my journey. I am still in a very hard place with it, and find it very hard to connect with the memories and emotions, and though I was able to be honest with people who it mattered to because of other children being protected when the things first started coming up, I am still not secure enough in myself of the reality to not just go back into self destruct and deinial, so have not been able to directly confront my abuser, but do know that as I am working through this I am coming further on my journey and beginning to learn more and more that it really is true that I was just a little girl, that this was not my fault, and that I am not just bad, and though I too still find it so hard to connect to emotionally do know that this is true and know also that the abuse which happened to you was not your fault either and that you as a little girl did not deserve this and should never have had your trust broken in this way.

I hope you do not mind that I have written so much on your thread about myself, but just wanted to share my own experiences and feelings within this, as I know it can be so complex, and really do feel for you within the complexities it brings up. In so many ways I find it so much easier with my father who was just an abuser and had nothing to offer me at all, and do know that it can be so hard to work through so many differing emotions and feelings, but really hope you are able to allow yourself to work through all the negative and positive emotions which you have, so that every part of you can find the voice and release they deserve. I also hope that as you weigh up the reality of everything which happened that you can recognise that this really was not your fault in any way and that all the complexities of everything you feel deserves to be validated. I am so sorry for you that that your trust was broken so much, by someone it appears also had so much to offer you, and really hope you are able to continue to reconcile and work through all this as you continue on your journey.

Helen

 

[Bedbug]

I hope you do not mind that I have written so much on your thread about myself

Not at all! I started this thread because I was confused about my feelings and looking for input. Your experience and understanding has been very helpful.

 

[Mayday]

Bedbug. She abused you for a year, starting when you were only 8 years old. That is serious abuse. That is not the actions of a good person. Those are the actions of a pedophile.

You might find this link interesting. It is about how to protect a child from child molesters and it was developed with input from child molesters in an intervention program.

Link Removed

I don't know if you are in therapy or not, but perhaps a therapist could help you work through this. If you feel that you are not ready to speak out entirely about your own abuse, then I would trust that instinct. However there are likely some steps inbetween that don't involve full disclosure, but still enable you to reach out and maybe say something to your cousins so that they might be able to protect their daughters and children from suffering sexual abuse too.

I do understand that it's incredibly difficult and confusing. I really relate to this part that you said. That is definitely something that child molesters either make you believe, or take advantage of.

She was worth more than me.

 

[Mayday]

Just quoting Ms Spock from that thread you posted a link to:

"If we are realistic and we know that someone is a sexual abuser and we take steps to protect the children then that is a great outcome in my mind. Because there is no denial about what is going on.

When there is denial about what is going on it allows both male and female sexual predators more access - they exploit that denial to their own advantage."

I think this is what I'm trying to get at. From what you are saying, it sounds to me like you are conflicted, and struggling with aspects of denial. I don't mean that to sound harsh, because I also struggle with denial because most of my memories are blocked, however with continuing therapy, it is helping me to come to terms with what happened.

 

[HelenB]

I still do not necessarily agree that it is as black and white as being a pedophile OR being a good person and do think it is possible to have elements of both good and bad, but have been thinking about this a lot and do agree that thinking about steps in between which ensure you are weighing up the protection of yourself and also other potential children is very important to do.

I am very aware that working through the aspects of abuse can be very hard, especially when there are such conflicting emotions, and personally have found that being able to allow myself to believe that both the positive and negative can exist at the same time, has helped me a lot with really working through and accepting that the abuse which happened was not acceptable at all, and do agree that it is very important that there is no denial of the reality of of how serious the abuse was and the real impacts it.

It does appear clear in this case that though there were aspects of the relationship which were positive, and though the abuse did stop, what she did to you was very serious, and I still very strongly believe that allowing everything to come into the light, in whatever way is really safe for you, is the most important thing both for the abused, abuser and any other potential victims of the abuse too and that this can really help confront any denial of the reality of what happened or the impact of the consequences, and though this is so hard in the short term, really does help break the real power of abuse, which thrives so much with all the denial and being kept in the dark, and so much breeds those feelings of shame and false responsibility, which are so taken on by the abused.

I also hope you have a good therapist who you can work through all this with and that as you do that you can connect more and more to the realities and emotions of the massive betrayal which this abuse was to so much of you, and come to realise that it was not your fault, and that the shame and blame does totally belong to her.

Helen

 

[Abstract]

Hi Bedbug,

I simply don't have the strength at the moment to deal with the consequences of going public

This is totally understandable. It is much as we can do to survive sometimes and I agree with anonymous that the abuser is the one responsible. I would say the exception is ones own children. We are responsible for the protection of our children no matter what.

which she will never repeat.

I do want to challenge that though as I don't think it's good for you to leave it. What reasoning do you use to assume this? Think of an 8 year old girl that you know then think of a trusted aunt of that 8 year old girl having intimate access to her. If you imagine someone else then the truth may seep in. Someone having sexual relations with a child is not going to suddenly not be interested in them again.

I wonder if part of the reason is that you are excusing her behaviour to you by thinking it was because your relationship with her was so special. I gently want to point out that very special relationships between adults and children are not selfish and protect those children rather than harm them.

Now that I have realised that she hurt me, can I not chose to turn the other cheek, forgive and forget,

I think forgiveness is great as long as it is forgiveness rather than denial, minimising, suppression of anger, hurt and difficult feelings. Unless we fully process everything I don't believe forgiveness is possible. I think it is usually false forgiveness and can keep someone from healing properly.

 

[Abstract]

if we shift to there are really bad parts of people and there are really good parts of people.

My answer to this was that I think what often stops people from doing what they need to do is splitting (black and white thinking).

We split as an ego defence and to manage intolerable feelings. Yes, abusers are all human but that doesn't change that they are abusers. It's Ok and good to be able to see both good and bad but are your really doing that? I don't think so somehow. No amount of good undoes bad and the bad is still there. Invalidating the bad because we can find good is probably the main and most important reason people stay in abusive interactions and relationships with others.

It is like the beaten wife whose husband makes her breakfast every day and buys her flowers and gifts. He beats me but he makes breakfast for me and he is so generous and makes me feel special because he buys me flowers and gifts. One thing does not undo or change the other.

She was capable of molesting an 8 year old girl on an ongoing basis and part of recovery will be about fully accepting what that says about her and accepting that it has nothing at all to do with you.

You are brave discussing this.

 

[Bedbug]

Yes, abusers are all human but that doesn't change that they are abusers. It's Ok and good to be able to see both good and bad but are your really doing that? I don't think so somehow.

I most definitely do see that she was an abuser. I excused her behaviour at the time, but not any more. I see both the good and the bad in her.

No amount of good undoes bad and the bad is still there.

Agreed. They can exist in combination.

Invalidating the bad because we can find good is probably the main and most important reason people stay in abusive interactions and relationships with others.

Because I can find good does not mean I am invalidating the bad, although I accept that this may happen in other cases. For the period after her abuse stopped and I was in contact with her, the relationship was no longer abusive. I had no memory of the abuse and it no longer occurred.

I am also fortunate in that I have not been in another abusive relationship since.

She was capable of molesting an 8 year old girl on an ongoing basis and part of recovery will be about fully accepting what that says about her and accepting that it has nothing at all to do with you.

I am trying to figure out what I feel about her. I accept that the responsibility for the abuse lies with her. In my original post I was trying to articulate how I didn't accept that idea at the time.

You are brave discussing this.

Thank you. This discussion is very helpful.

 

[Bedbug]

We are responsible for the protection of our children no matter what.

I don't have children of my own but I am a child protection officer at a sports club. In that respect I am responsible for other peoples' children.

I do want to challenge that though as I don't think it's good for you to leave it. What reasoning do you use to assume this?

Why do I think she is not a risk any more? What reasoning do I use? I'm not sure I am using reasoning, so much as feeling. Specifically, hope. Hope that my uncle (who I suspect found out about the abuse) did not knowingly put me at risk later on, even though the risk paid off and I wasn't abused again. Hope that for all the years I have been suppressing memories there haven't been other children being abused by her. Hope that my inability to speak up now is not allowing others to be abused right now, or in the near future. I don't know. I have much to figure out and work through. This is still very new to me.

Think of an 8 year old girl that you know then think of a trusted aunt of that 8 year old girl having intimate access to her. If you imagine someone else then the truth may seep in. Someone having sexual relations with a child is not going to suddenly not be interested in them again.

Thank you. I will try this.

I think forgiveness is great as long as it is forgiveness rather than denial, minimising, suppression of anger, hurt and difficult feelings. Unless we fully process everything I don't believe forgiveness is possible. I think it is usually false forgiveness and can keep someone from healing properly.

Agreed. I will figure this out.

 

[Bedbug]

However there are likely some steps inbetween that don't involve full disclosure, but still enable you to reach out and maybe say something to your cousins so that they might be able to protect their daughters and children from suffering sexual abuse too.

Thank you so much for pointing this out! It had not occurred to me that I might be able to take some steps towards helping or protecting other potential victims; steps that fall short of disclosing what happened to me or confronting my abuser. I will try to find ways to have conversations with my cousins, in very general terms, about sexual abuse.

And thank you for that link. I have not seen it before. Very helpful!