I never asked for your opinion... Excuse me for just realizing all of this shit about two months ago, mind you, and trying my best to f*cking process it.
You open yourself up to any opinion when you start a thread that asks a question. Take a deep breath, and also, I'm kind of glad you had your explosion because I was having a hard time following the time frame, actually, and sometimes more detail is better than less.
But I do have something to contribute, I think. I didn't write in at first because you were asking for male replies, and I'm a chick.
After that, as much as I wanted it, I just couldn't go through with it again after that. My first real sexual experience was way too graphic and intense. I would have one more minor sexual experience after that. But both times, I felt sick and on autopilot, even though I pursued it and "wanted it".
I was also sexually abused alongside another boy. And from what I understand, about the same time as me... he was fairly sexually active - one night stands, stuff like that. So I'm just curious, from a male's perspective, was sex ever enjoyable for you guys?
Like I said, I'm a girl. My trauma and first sexual experience was a gang rape and then some when I was 13. I can definitely equate on the "way too graphic and intense" front.
But, I'm like the guy you describe. I became pretty promiscuous shortly after, around the age of 17, and stayed that way til I met my (now ex-) partner a little over 10 years later. After that thing broke up, and after I was raped a second time, I went right back to promiscuity. I only reined myself in because the depression got too bad.
And yes, the sex I had was enjoyable. I never felt sick, or on autopilot. I pursued it, wanted it, and liked it. I don't have a lot of physical sensation left in my genitals (sorry for the TMI) and I haven't had an orgasm since the first trauma (again with the TMI), but the sensation of all of it, any erogenous zone I have that still works - yep. Liked it.
Now, did I really like it? I don't know. But even when I went back to that behavior, I never felt dead inside. I have other issues - I think I'm a disgusting whore - but it didn't keep me from those behaviors, or cause any actual inner conflict (because disgusting whore is just a fact, to me. I feel upset when my therapist tries to tell me I'm not that.)
I have no idea if this helps - at all. I think that you can pull gender out of the whole equation, though, and say that there are two poles of the
human experience here, and then the whole spectrum inbetween. One end is being made sick by it all, the other end is devouring it. And within those two - lets just think of it as binge-eating for a second. You can be sure you want that tub of ice cream until you put one spoonful in your mouth, and immediately throw the entire thing away because you are sickened. Or, you can not even crack open the ice cream. Or, you can eat the whole thing and feel deeply satisfied and not an ounce of guilt. Or, you can eat the whole thing, go vomit it up, and eat a package of cookies. And still want more food.
Really harsh analogy, but I'm trying to say that I think it's kind of a four-by-four experience, not binary. And don't forget the spectrum. And gender will factor in, but on its own plane, with its own very separate issues. I mean, our sex organs alone, are two entirely different stories.
Does that help?
