Relationship My Boyfriend Has Shut Me Out - What Can I Do To Help?

[kezzanezza]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months but he has suddenly cut me off. He has PTSD after serving in Iraq at 19 (he is now 30) and he told me he had PTSD but I didn't really pay attention as he seemed fine to me (how naive I was!). He is usually the loudest, brightest, bubbliest person in the room and throughout our relationship he has been the most loving, affectionate, attentive man you could meet but now it's as if he's had a personality transplant. It started 2 weeks ago when he didn't reply to my calls/texts only to text late at night saying he had left his phone somewhere. No apology, no call, just a short text. Since then, communication has been sporadic and indifferent. The real him has surfaced once or twice to explain that it's his PTSD and that he's fine now, and I feel relieved, but then he just goes on to ignore me again.

Anyway, after reading tonnes on-line about PTSD and educating myself, I sent him a text saying I could tell he was in a bad place and that I would leave him alone to work things out but that my door was always open and he could contact me whenever he felt ready, day or night. I felt better doing this after pestering him constantly for the last 2 weeks but I'm scared that he's just going to disappear out of my life and I will never see him again. I want to support him as best I can but at the same time my own mental health is suffering as I'm constantly worried about him. All I want is the odd text but he can't even manage that. I could write reams and reams but
I guess what I really wanna know is: should I just wait for him to contact me and risk him disappearing out of my life or should i persist in contacting him?

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so sorry you both are going through this.

I sent him a text saying I could tell he was in a bad place and that I would leave him alone to work things out but that my door was always open and he could contact me whenever he felt ready, day or night.

This was a great text to send him!

I think if you can stick this text, and not contact him again right now, it will show him you can stick with what you said you would do. If you contact him again now, I don't think it will help you keep him in your life. Giving him some space is what will probably help him most. Continuing to pressure him to contact you may just continue to overwhelm him and encourage him to push you further away. I know it is really really tough though.

 

[Snowangel1225]

The more you try to contact him when he is isolating, the further away you will push him. Leave him alone. When he is ready, he will contact you. If he doesn't, then this wasn't the relationship you thought you had. You can't force this. Live your life, take care of yourself and give him space.

 

[Sandi79]

When my boyfriend needs to isolate, we have an agreed day that we will resume talking, but this is after 2 years of trial and error on what will work for us.

It can be done. It takes work, and patience and having a good sense of self-for you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Constantly contacting a sufferer who is isolating is going to irritate them to no end. Just give him some space. Only you can decide on how long you are willing to wait around for him to contact you after a period of isolation. Personally, if my vet ever went more than two weeks without contacting me, I would consider the relationship over, and he knows that is firm. You have to decide how long you are willing to wait on him.

 

[kezzanezza]

Thanks so much for your replies. They have been a great help. I shall stick to my guns and leave him be. Hard though! Thanks again.

 

[Sandi79]

Everyone, PTSD or not, reacts differently and needs different things.
My boyfriend has PTSD. When he isolates, its because he feels worthless, he feels like a failure and that he does not deserve me. He needs some time to think, but at the same time he needs me to fight for him (he has confirmed this and told me he needs it). For some, that may make things worse. For him, he needs that.

I had a boyfriend years ago who also had PTSD, he did NOT want to be fought for and any communication while isolating would make it much worse.

I don't know how well you know your boyfriend, and if it's pretty well, you'll know what he may need. I never knew before if he wanted me to fight for him or not and it was only through finding out about his past through him and his family, friends that I found out what he needed.

I've always gone with my first instincts, and it seems to work well (now, after much trial and error). When I sense he has had a bad day or is needing space, I simply tell him "I will let you relax, if you want to talk later, I'll be around" and usually he contacts me within a few hours. If things are passed that point (the last time was in Feb), I will tell him "I think we should both take a few days to think and calm down, it does not mean I am leaving or giving up, I'm only giving us space let's talk on Wednesday" (this happened to be on a Sunday). He called that Wednesday morning, we discussed everything and have been great since.

You will find your own path on this journey. I have found this site a comfort in it lets me vent and know I am not alone. Advice is always good but remember that no one here has the same exact relationships, so some advice may not work for you.

 

[lynsmith]

I am going through something similar...I'm glad I was able to find this post...I've been struggling on what to do..He told me he needed space to work things out in his head and it has been torture and I've slipped up several times texting him and just wanting to communicate in some form..but he doesn't want that...I know he loves me but being away from him is killing me...

What hurts the most is I caused all of this?? I had too much to drink and he wanted to be left alone and I kept on pushing, going as far as grabbing his arms....

 

[CristinaBikini]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months but he has suddenly cut me off. He has PTSD after serving i...

My boyfriend shut me out too and blocked me from contacting him
He's my heart I couldn't take it anymore so I went there un announced and it backfired on me and refused to see me and blocked me from phone and text ad social media

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@CristinaBikini first im sorry to hear that!

This thread is 2 and a half years old so it would be better help to you, if you are looking for help and support, to create a new thread. Im just advising the best way for you to get the help and support you need.

From a sufferer's point of view, I wouldnt be able to handle an unannounced visit; I dont like that from anyone for any reason though so maybe its just me.

What seems to have been better for me in the past is if my supporter worked on them a bit and made it a better place for me to come back to. Its not what happened but a few yrs later we decided to give it another try and if he would of then we may be together today. But again, thats my individual situation and Im in no way saying that with you is a bad thing but he may perceive it that way and focusing on you and your mental health cant be a bad thing so if you dont already have one, id see a therapist on a regular basis (maybe once a month for example). Think of that as "Alonon" for someone in AA, that teaches them how to support an alcoholic, right? So therapy would help you know how to support your BF within your situation and set of circumstances as each are different. Also focusing on yourself and your mental health cant be a bad thing, right?

Just some advise from the peatnut gallery isall. My 2.5 cents. Good luck hun, I know this is hard! :hug:

 

[Chlo122]

My boyfriend shut me out too and blocked me from contacting him
He's my heart I couldn't take i...

This exact same thing just happened to me. Came out of nowhere. blocked me on every social media site and told me to leave his house when i went there. highly doubt he is coming back and don't know what to do.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

highly doubt he is coming back and don't know what to do.

Move on with your life. Or thats what id do. I dont mean to sound rash or harsh but you cant wait forever so someone that wont speak to you in my opinion.