Relationship My boyfriend just ignores me.

[Strawberry]

So my story. I've been with my boyfriend around 9 months. The first 6 months were amazing truly the man of my dreams had to keep asking myself if it was too good to be true. He texted me every morning when he woke up and always before bed. Always told me how much he loved me spoke of marrying me and moving in together and being day maybe a baby. Then in Feb he suddenly got really mad at me for a tiny little thing and ignored me for days wouldn't answer my calls didnt reply to texts. He got over this and things went back to normal but I was devastated it was so out of the blue and not like him. This has happened 2-3 times now and last time he admitted he has ptsd and it comes upon him and he just can't be around me. He can ignore me for days and wont even reply to an I love you text. It has completely devastated me as it's like hes the complete opposite from the amazing thoughtful man I met x Can anyone who either has ptsd or has dealt with it give me some advice is this normal?

 

[Ronin]

Are you sure you want him as your boyfriend?

That's not PTSD.
That's him being an arse.

Sure, many assholes get PTSD too, that disorder isn't picky, but that is never an excuse for mistreating anyone.

 

[Friday]

When I isolate? It tends to get pretty bad.., but?

1. If the way I -or they- isolate doesn’t work for both people? The relationship isn’t going to work.

2. Most relationships fail at right around the 6 month mark, next big break is the 2-3 year mark. In both places because life gets more real. Which means all the places where things don’t work? Are either starting to show as the honeymoon fades, or have been grinding on for long enough it’s apparent there’s no fix.

It’s just a tell to learn to look for. Revel in the first blush of new love, but a life together isn’t built on butterflies, thrills and excitement. When thing go seriously sideways at right around 6mo? That’s the life you’re looking at living. Not how things were, but how things are. Many people struggle on for a couple more years, trying to find fixes to those problems, most only to call it. Is that something you’re willing to do? It may or may not be, and neither answer is wrong.

So that’s ALL relationships. When you’re talking PTSD? If he copes by isolating, there’s no “fix” to that. He will cope by isolating, to greater or lesser extent, for the rest of forever. And if the way he isolates doesn’t work with you? The relationship won’t work.

And if he’s just being an asshole? (Because assholes get PTSD, right along with everyone else), ditto, there’s no fix to that, either.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Strawberry, I wouldn’t say he’s being an asshole. He explained he has PTSD and he cannot be around you when it gets bad.

Translation... he cannot handle the additional relationship stressors and/or your emotions when he cannot handle his own. This is fairly typical in PTSD relationships. Some sufferers isolate as a coping mechanism when they get overwhelmed.

Relationships are stress. Your needs are stress. If you argue it’s stress. You needing contact and reassurance are stress. Plans are stress... even good stress is still stress. He has a broken stress response.

This is an analogy we use in the supporter section. Imagine your BF is swimming upstream in the middle of a deep raging river. He’s swimming with all his might, fighting to keep his head above water. Now your wading in the shallows, dog paddling around, hollering at him to come swim with you. Why won’t he answer you? He must not love you if he doesn’t come swim with you right now. The reality of the situation is he’s trying not to drown, and he cannot stop swimming to pay attention to you.

When he is symptomatic and isolates to cope, he is just hanging on trying to keep his head above water.

Don’t take it personally, and look at the big picture. He needs a little space to feel better. He doesn’t hate you. He’s not ignoring you to be malicious. He doesn’t feel good and just needs a few days to work through it. Stop considering it a slight against you, and consider the fact that he’s working through PTSD symptoms. Look at giving him that space as a loving act. “I love you enough to *NOT* make this a relationship issue, or about me. I want you to feel better, and if you need a few days, I will respect that”. See the shift?

If you need constant contact in a relationship and a lot of attention from your partner, a PTSD relationship with a sufferer who needs to isolate may not be for you. This is probably reality setting in after the honeymoon period, so I’d bet this is typically how he handles stress. In other words, he’s going to do this a lot. If that’s not something you can handle, that’s something to consider. Not everybody wants a relationship like this, and that’s perfectly valid and OK. On the other hand, if you think you can handle this, then you need to get over the isolation periods in a big way if you want to stay sane.

I get it, it sucks. My partner isolates. We’ve been together 8 years, and he still has to have some alone time to cope. I actually kind of enjoy the alone time myself. It gives me a chance to do things that I enjoy that he cannot handle (like loud, crowded and/or girly stuff).

It doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice everything... for instance, it’s OK to not be OK with extended periods of no contact (like weeks) or, say, ignoring you in an emergency situation (and I mean a real emergency, not little everyday crises). These would be boundaries to discuss when he is feeling better.

 

[Wonder Woman]

So my story. I've been with my boyfriend around 9 months. The first 6 months were amazing truly the man of my dreams had to keep asking myself if it was too good to be true. He texted me every morning when he woke up and always before bed. Always told me how much he loved me spoke of marrying me and moving in together and being day maybe a baby. Then in Feb he suddenly got really mad at me for a tiny little thing and ignored me for days wouldn't answer my calls didnt reply to texts. He got over this and things went back to normal but I was devastated it was so out of the blue and not like him. This has happened 2-3 times now and last time he admitted he has ptsd and it comes upon him and he just can't be around me. He can ignore me for days and wont even reply to an I love you text. It has completely devastated me as it's like hes the complete opposite from the amazing thoughtful man I met x Can anyone who either has ptsd or has dealt with it give me some advice is this normal?

He was too good to be true.

Talk of marriage and family at six months seems a little soon, especially initiated by the guy.

I have PTSD, and I would never ignore a text from a friend, let alone a significant other. It's just a matter of respect. If I need at time-out, I let people in my inner-circle know that... I don't just leave them twisting in the wind.

If you don't like what you're getting, now. I'd advise getting out of the relationship while the getting's good.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Not everybody with PTSD is the same @Wonder Woman. Many sufferers isolate as a coping mechanism. Isolation is one of the most common issues that supporters come here asking about. Please keep in mind that you’re posting in the supporter area.

Announcement - Sufferers: You MUST read this thread, prior to posting

 

[Wonder Woman]

Not everybody with PTSD is the same @Wonder Woman. Many sufferers isolate as a coping mechanism. Isolation is one of the most common issues that supporters come here asking about. Please keep in mind that you’re posting in the supporter area.

Announcement - Sufferers: You MUST read this thread, prior to posting

I isolate. I use to go MIA. I realized this is disrespectful and hurts those I love. Now, I let people in my inner-circle know I need a time-out.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I’m glad you are to the point where you can communicate your needs with your supporters @Wonder Woman... just like the OP’s boyfriend communicated to her that he

has ptsd and it comes upon him and he just can't be around me.

Not everybody is on that level. Some aren’t comfortable communicating with anybody about their diagnosis. Some people can’t feel the stress cup overflowing until it’s past the point of no return. Some people don’t even recognize that they’re isolating.

Again, we don’t know the OP’s boyfriend, but we do know he’s made an attempt to explain what is happening, and that it’s related to PTSD. Now his supporter is here attempting to figure things out. That’s the point of this thread.

 

[Freida]

. Some aren’t comfortable communicating with anybody about their diagnosis. Some people can’t feel the stress cup overflowing until it’s past the point of no return. Some people don’t even recognize that they’re isolating.

This is totally me. I used to isolate by taking off but even when I stay home I'm still not here. Hubby says I'm like a zombie - the lights are on but no one is home. And I had no idea my isolation was a problem until I found this forum and started hearing how much it affects supporters. Learning that didn't stop my need to isolate but it did help me understand I needed to be better about communicating about it. But that has taken years of therapy to put into practice and it only works because I have supporters who will let go when I need them to.

It doesn't mean I don't love them. It means I can't handle the emotions of being around them and I have to back away until my brain settles down.

 

[Inkbaby]

So glad I found this thread helps me see I'm not alone. My Vet is going through a period of isolation mode currently, and seeing all the responses is really helping me stay out of the mindset of "what did I do? Is it me? Ect"

 

[Strawberry]

Thank you everyone these posts are very helpful and have really helped me to understand how he is feeling and why he does this

@Strawberry, I wouldn’t say he’s being an asshole. He explained he has PTSD and he cannot be around you when it gets bad.

Translation... he cannot handle the additional relationship stressors and/or your emotions when he cannot handle his own. This is fairly typical in PTSD relationships. Some sufferers isolate as a coping mechanism when they get overwhelmed.

Relationships are stress. Your needs are stress. If you argue it’s stress. You needing contact and reassurance are stress. Plans are stress... even good stress is still stress. He has a broken stress response.

This is an analogy we use in the supporter section. Imagine your BF is swimming upstream in the middle of a deep raging river. He’s swimming with all his might, fighting to keep his head above water. Now your wading in the shallows, dog paddling around, hollering at him to come swim with you. Why won’t he answer you? He must not love you if he doesn’t come swim with you right now. The reality of the situation is he’s trying not to drown, and he cannot stop swimming to pay attention to you.

When he is symptomatic and isolates to cope, he is just hanging on trying to keep his head above water.

Don’t take it personally, and look at the big picture. He needs a little space to feel better. He doesn’t hate you. He’s not ignoring you to be malicious. He doesn’t feel good and just needs a few days to work through it. Stop considering it a slight against you, and consider the fact that he’s working through PTSD symptoms. Look at giving him that space as a loving act. “I love you enough to *NOT* make this a relationship issue, or about me. I want you to feel better, and if you need a few days, I will respect that”. See the shift?

If you need constant contact in a relationship and a lot of attention from your partner, a PTSD relationship with a sufferer who needs to isolate may not be for you. This is probably reality setting in after the honeymoon period, so I’d bet this is typically how he handles stress. In other words, he’s going to do this a lot. If that’s not something you can handle, that’s something to consider. Not everybody wants a relationship like this, and that’s perfectly valid and OK. On the other hand, if you think you can handle this, then you need to get over the isolation periods in a big way if you want to stay sane.

I get it, it sucks. My partner isolates. We’ve been together 8 years, and he still has to have some alone time to cope. I actually kind of enjoy the alone time myself. It gives me a chance to do things that I enjoy that he cannot handle (like loud, crowded and/or girly stuff).

It doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice everything... for instance, it’s OK to not be OK with extended periods of no contact (like weeks) or, say, ignoring you in an emergency situation (and I mean a real emergency, not little everyday crises). These would be boundaries to discuss when he is feeling better.

Thank you so much this advice has been really helpful x