My diary of random thoughts

joeylittle

Administrator
@AnnieMae - you've been given lots of ideas of tangible things you could try. Things you could actually do. But you insist on feeling sorry for yourself.

Now, maybe that's only something happening here, on the site. Maybe we only see you in your lowest moments, and there are also times you aren't this low.

If that's true - then I'm going to challenge you to try balancing your thinking. Because right now, you are only reinforcing the distorted beliefs you have.

Well, how do you feel differently? That is what I need to do
You change your thought patterns. Literally. You deliberately re-write your self-destructive thoughts. Does it work overnight? No. But it does work.

And, you change your behaviors. Invest your time in doing things that will help move you forward. Doing self-care. And stop spending time re-treading over trauma-based thinking.
Not one person can help with anything.
No one can help you if you refuse to help yourself.

Now, here's another true thing: I am stuck in a loop right now too. Really, seriously stuck. I am trying different ways to motivate myself up and out of this extremely deep depression I'm in. So far, I haven't found the right combination of things that will get me over this hump.

But I can acknowledge I'm trying, because it's true - I am. And logically - that means I'm not entirely stuck. It feels like it. But it's not actually true. I'm nearly at a standstill, sure - but here I am, writing to you.

Why? Because I need to remember all this shit I'm telling YOU to do. Challenging you to try? That's helping me challenge myself to keep trying.

Have you read any other threads on this forum? Try it sometime. We are here because people like us - people with PTSD - we need to talk with each other. It's part of how we can heal. But you can't engage in that process if you don't read some threads and get interested in some other people, here. Try giving support.

Last thing: Human beings are much more resilient than we give ourselves credit for. And know what? You're not the exception to that rule. Sorry. - you're not special that way.

You're just as resilient as the rest of us.

So start trying.

What's the smallest thing you can do today to take care of yourself? Mine is going to be, take a shower. Yesterday? It was brush my hair. And while I do that small thing, I remind myself that I'm making a choice to take care of myself, because I am worthy of that care.

Do I fully believe that I'm worthy of it? Hell no. But I can believe it 10 percent, or 20 percent...eventually, I'll believe it much more - if I keep doing it.

That's how it works.
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
What do you do to change things when they have already been destroyed and everything is so off course that you can’t stand it??? I just want to be by my sister. No one listens to me. I am so tired of freaking out. I am so tired of the back and forth in my head and the loneliness. I want fun! But there is no fun. There is no normalcy. Everything is black and white. No answers, no love, no moving forward. Just confusion all the time. And rejection. Things used to seem normal, now they seem really weird. I hate it!
 

lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
What do you do to change things when they have already been destroyed and everything is so off course that you can’t stand it???
You work at it. That is honestly the only way.

I grew up in a cult. As an adult, out of the cult, I was still living as if I was still in the cult only I was doing the rituals and torture myself. I was suicidal daily. Not a day went by that I didn't want to die. For over 2 decades. But, guess what? I got into therapy, my therapist found this site, and I was actively working in therapy and I can see the light. I'm not suicidal daily. Stopped the rituals. Haven't cut or punished myself in a long time. Stopped having violent sex with every man that would. Stopped coming onto everyone breathing. Stopped seducing pastors. I am doing well for myself. Can live alone now with a service dog's help. Stopped the drugs. Got a great job and am making a livable wage. I can see the other side. And I'm still actively working to get to the other side but I can most certianly see the light. A little bit of a light but I can smile now. I can care for myself. Do self care. I can give myself a break. Haven't yet learned how to make friends but again, still working at it.

But the answer to your question is you have to actively work at it. I would agree to get outside of your diary and look around on the site. Talk to others that can understand what you are going through. Therapy would be good and actively working in therapy. Talk with others on here and take in feedback and apply it. But sitting in here repeating these things to yourself isn't helping you. It's only digging yourself deeper.

Are you in therapy. If not, getting into therapy would be an amazing first step. But even if you can't then looking around on here, talking to others on here, and taking in feedback and applying it is also an awesome first step. It's free. Why not just get out of here and talk with others on other part of the forum?
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
I am in therapy. I tell her the issues and she just doesn’t listen. This is how I know I will be alone. No one listens from my perspective on anything. She told me that I could control the situation because I married a narcissist. She told me to make him be what I wanted, but that never happened. She tells me to do all of this crazy stuff and none of it works. I keep hearing to do what you want, but nothing is working out for me at all. I just don’t want to be here, but I have to be. That is all I can do...exist and it’s heartbreaking. No one truly cares. I was completely set up, and no one even cared. Now I am so confused, it is ridiculous. She tells me to keep myself busy...well, I did all of that and that is how I lost everything. What she doesn’t understand is how shitty it is to always be treated like crap throughout your entire life. Not belonging, not being pretty enough, and always meeting men that treat me like crap. She doesn’t know what it’s like to be ugly. And here I thought I had made it because I landed this really great guy and he used me. She also doesn’t know how crappy it is to be mislead by everyone and everything. It’s like she doesn’t listen but sure as hell throws everything back in my face. You don’t love yourself, is what she says. So I ask, what do I do to love myself and she can’t tell me. What kind of bull crap is that????
 
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lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
@AnnieMae, maybe you need a new therapist. You maybe misunderstanding them but even with that out there, you are saying you don't feel heard by them and that is super important in therapy. So, if I felt this way about my therapist, I'd get a new one.

That said, you are saying she doesn't know all of this stuff. Can you tell them? Or better yet, read what you wrote above to them? I've read what I've written in my diary to my therapist many times and it can really be helpful. Maybe she needs to hear how you feel?

But it is still super unhealthy to continue to repeat these things to yourself over and over. Even if you can't get help in therapy, you can go through the site and talk to members and get help that way. Some of my biggest steps were taken on this site. It is so helpful to have peer support. Especially if you have no real life support.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
@AnnieMae you should spend some time reading other people's posts and threads. Your just stuck in a perpetual circle of doom.... Me, me, me! Your the only one that can break that cycle of self pity. I'm not saying that whatever happened to you wasn't bad but your, your own worst enemy. The title of your thread is 'my diary of random thoughts'. However they're not random in any way. Each post says exactly the same thing. Over and over again. What are YOU going to do in order to move forward??
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
You don’t think I have read other people’s stories? I have and some are just mind blowing. I feel awful. This is a place for me to get it out. I can’t talk about it with anyone but my therapist. My problem is I trusted someone and they messed with me so now I have issues with trust. Everything I knew seemed to be wrong. I can’t stand the weirdness anymore knowing what happened. My body is tense, I freak out all the time. Just everything is different as I do t like it. I am so Overwhelmed with life anymore. Too much stuff
 

lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
You don’t think I have read other people’s stories? I have and some are just mind blowing. I feel awful
Well, why not reply? If you are having trouble jumping in, social is an easier way to do that but what we are saying is that you are repeating unhealthy disordered thinking to yourself over and over again. The human mind is amazing and one of those amazing things is that if you repeat something to yourself enough, you'll believe it. Think of brainwashing. I know this to be true from a cult and then directly afterwards making myself believe nothing happened to the point of only having tiny fragments that made no sense even put together taking years in therapy to get the memories back. And this isn't years after but even months after. You tend to believe what you tell yourself. Getting it out is fine but when you say things like "i can't do this", "my life is over" over and over again isn't healthy. And it isn't true. You can do this. Your life isn't over. The more you repeat these things to yourself the more and more you will feel hopeless and the less and less you will be able to do mentally. Ranting and getting it off your chest is healthy and we all use our diaries that way. What you are doing isn't healthy and can be harmful.

What we are all saying is that by interacting with people, brain storming with people, getting new and different perspectives, you can find your way out of the weeds. That is healthy. So don't just read. Reply. Talk. Interact. Brain storm. Get different perspectives from others and take that in and toss it around with your other thoughts. It can make a world of a difference!
 

AnnieMae

MyPTSD Pro
But I wasn’t in a cult. I couldn’t imagine that. My issue is that I am always looked over. I am the underdog. How do you go from accomplishing so much to accomplishing nothing? How is it that every time you make a plan that involves another
Person it always goes awry? Things used to go so well for me now it’s just constant rejection. I am not making this up. It is so true. But I am seriously overwhelmed with life right now. I know what my plan is. I just want out....and the freaking out is awful.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Just make a plan for yourself then that doesn't involve anyone else. Your own plan of recovery. And maybe see your docter about medication to calm down.
 

lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
But I wasn’t in a cult.
That wasn't my point. My point in mentioning that is to explain that self brainwashing or believing yourself when you tell yourself something enough.

There are people here that can identify with each symptom you have and each struggle you have. Why not talk to people about it? Why keep repeating the same disordered thinking patterns to yourself? Its not doing you any good.
 
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