My go-to reaction is to push away everyone. how do i stop this?

[EveHarrington]

My go-to reaction is to push people away when I perceive anything negative between us or feel that they are too close. I'm making micro-baby steps with this issue but it's slooooow going. In the past I never cared about being alone because it kept me safe. Now I realize I don't want to be alone anymore. But maybe I'm kidding myself? Maybe it's too late? Maybe I wasted too much time and didn't get better fast enough and this is just how things are going to be? I don't know how to stop pushing people away. I'm afraid to post this because I'm ashamed of everything I don't have in my life. It also feeds into my feelings of hopelessness which drive my suicidal feelings. It's all just so overwhelming. I just don't know how to slow down my reactions of pushing people away. Sitting with those feelings just feels excruciatingly painful and the only way I feel ok is when I'm by myself. But it's also very lonely. I don't want to even hit the create thread button because I know what people are going to say-----and memorizing acronyms to miraculously remember when I'm in a mental "crisis"-----just doesn't work. Thanks.

 

[Casey_03]

This is a tough one. I have been struggling with this for years, and while I have kind of sort of gotten better about it, I still push people away. Which is why I'm almost completely alone! But for the few people in my life who I haven't pushed away (though have wanted to), it was really just a matter of forcing myself to make some small gesture so as to NOT push them away. That usually meant ignoring something they said that hurt me or raised a red flag, or just reaching out with a text message after a fight (when I normally wouldn't bother to reach out). It was mostly small gestures and I had to turn off my brain to get myself to do it; it was like I literally learned to flick a switch in my brain, and it got easier each time I did it. BUT that was only with my sister and a few relatives. If you are speaking more in terms of boyfriends/lovers/romantic partners ... I have no useful advice. Haven't quite figured out how to deal with that yet.

I just don't know how to slow down my reactions of pushing people away.

This depends on how exactly you go about pushing people away. Is it usually by saying something mean? By ignoring the person? There are so many ways to push people away. I guess my advice would just be instead of pushing them away, just walk away. For a little while. And then revisit the relationship later. Less drastic.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[EveHarrington]

This is a tough one. I have been struggling with this for years, and while I have kind of sort of gott...

Thanks for your feedback. My main way of pushing people away is by saying mean things to them, usually along the lines of I don't need them in my life, I don't want them in my life, etc.

 

[Casey_03]

I guess it helps to call bullshit on yourself. Saying you want someone out of your life (or saying anything mean) doesn't actually get them out of your life, so it's wasted breath. And if you really want someone out of your life, or want to hurt them, it'd be more effective to say nothing at all and just walk away. (Which conveniently doesn't narrow down your options so much, so if you later decide you were being rash, you haven't said awful things and cut ties with this person ... you still have the chance to work things out). It sounds stupid and overly simplistic, but I think it's just a matter of catching yourself in that moment, sucking it up, and walking away. And then punching something, or smashing something, or venting somehow.

 

[Deadman]

@EveHarrington do you know why you push people away? Is it because you feel safer alone? Or maybe you think they are going to reject you so you do it first? There are lots of possible reasons for pushing people away. Knowing why you do it might help in figuring out how not to do it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm afraid to post this because I'm ashamed of everything I don't have in my life.

Why? I don't have my whole father's and mother's side of my family nor do I have any friends in my life. I don't have a lot in my life but it's nothing (in my opinion) to be ashamed of. Because, I also have a lot in my life. I find it a lot easier to try to think of things that way. I have a job that I am much more appreciate of due to loosing my last job over my own stupidity. I have a home. I have a service dog in training (which is actually a lot as many are waiting on a service dog or can't get one due to money or other reasons. I was blessed that I had the money extra to spend on him).

I won't go and list all the stuff but when I find myself thinking that way, I try to turn it around. Now, that is SUPER hard but something to start trying to do or to work on. There is a lot one can be thankful of and the more you do that, the less you feel embarrased of or thinking less of what you don't have. It never goes away totally, in my experience. I always think about my family but I think less about them and more about the other things in my life that are good. Its a distorted way of thinking. And I know totally not what the thread is about but I wanted to touch on it.

Ok, so about the topic. It is a hard one. I think that as I find attitibutes about myself. Things I like about myself. Things I am good at. I find I am pushing people away less.

I find that when I challenege the thought "they are just going to leave" and start to apply rational thinking to that, I push people away less.

I find that when I am not hyper focused on my issues and what they are causing (bad stuff) in others' life (like how my issues are negtively affecting people around me) I push people away less.

The biggest one that my therapist and I are working on is attitributes. Good things about me. The more I can REALLY see good things about myself, the pushing decreases because the main reason I personally push people away is due to thinking "well they will hate XYZ about me and ABC about me and EFG about me etc etc etc, they will just leave and go away". That is my personal biggest fear. Abandonment. So, when I can see this good thing about me and this good thing about me, etc. I mean REALLY see it. It sinks in and I can really see it (which takes A WHILE for me personally - a process in of itself). Then my pushing away slows.

But, it is a process and it also all depends on why you personally push people away. Whatever that reason, chip away at it. How did you slow it orginally? Start there and chip away at it. Or is there multiple reasons? Find them and chip away at it. Personally, I have found it is a process that takes working on one small (tiny) part at a time.

Just my personal experience. Milage may vary.

 

[EveHarrington]

I guess it helps to call bullshit on yourself. Saying you want someone out of your life (or saying any...

Oh, I say a bit more than I want them out of my life. So in effect it does work (at least some of the time) at kicking people out of my life.

In the moment I actually believe that I don't need these people so I'm not sure that calling bs is going to work. I mean I truly believe it with everything that I have. I'm willing to try it and see if it works though.

I'll work on walking away instead of reacting. It's hard because the negative feelings are still there and I just want them to go away.

 

[EveHarrington]

@EveHarrington do you know why you push people away? Is it because you feel safer al...

I push people away for both reasons. I feel safer alone. And when I perceive anything negative from them I want to push them away because I think they're just going to throw me away for being flawed.

 

[EveHarrington]

Why? I don't have my whole father's and mother's side of my family nor do I have any friends...

I am ashamed in part because I have had my inadequacies held against me, used to make fun of me. If the world is going to be nothing but cruel then why would I want to engage with anyone? This has happened when I have tried to meet new people. It makes me want to just hide for being a loser. I don't understand why people are so judgmental and cruel.

I just bumped up an old thread of mine about not having good qualities. If people are so judgmental then no wonder I feel worthless.

I am trying to fight the negative thoughts but it is quite difficult.

 

[Deadman]

I feel safer alone.

I must admit I do too. I guess the deeper question is why?

I want to push them away because I think they're just going to throw me away for being flawed.

We are all flawed. I suspect most people here are better at forgiving the flaws in others than we are at forgiving our own flaws.

It seems you are stuck in a vicious circle. You feel flawed. You want to make friends. You make efforts to make friends. If you are successful you fear they will see your flaws so you sabotage the friendship. Which makes you feel even more flawed. Does that sound about right?

It makes me want to just hide for being a loser. I don't understand why people are so judgmental and cruel.

If somewhat said to you, what you are saying to yourself, I would think they were judgmental and cruel.

 

[EveHarrington]

I must admit I do too. I guess the deeper question is why?



We are all flawed. I suspect most people...

No. I do not attempt to make friends and have not done so in at least 5 years now.

 

[Deadman]

But you did say you don't want to be alone anymore. Right?