My go-to reaction is to push away everyone. how do i stop this?

[EveHarrington]

But you did say you don't want to be alone anymore

Yes.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't have any friends either. I also do not attempt to make friends. People terrify the f*ck out of me. But that is why I have no friends. You usually have to put some effort into meeting people to make friends. I know it is hard but I see two incompatable things right now - "I don't want to be alone" and "I do not attempt to make friends/meet people".

So what would it take for you to feel even semi ok ish with attempting to meet new people? That is your starting point. And it is just that, not the answer but rather a starting point.

Like, mine is to feel safe enough to be close enough to people to meet them. What would that take? A service dog is one big thing that would really help me and do so faster and better then anything else. I have tried several other things with my therapist they all failed. So, that is what I am working on. I have him and its almost like magic, I can talk to people and be around them. I do on my videos all the time. Without him and I am not even in the store or disocissating or at least freaking out. With him and I am like Mrs confident. Or at least in the store and not disocissating or freaking out. So, that is my focus.

But, it is a starting point. It takes a long time to fully train him and he will eventually (sooner then later as he is 4 yrs old) be retired. Of course I can have one after him and already preparing for that since its way less time then if I was training a puppy, BUT, I am also preparing to be without a service dog as I cannot have one forever. Or don't want to. So what is my next step after that? See, you start with something and then launch from there and just go one step at a time but you must start to finish, if that makes sense.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't have any friends either. I also do not attempt to make friends. People terrify the...

Part of my problem is that I don't know how to even meet people anymore. I don't know how to socialize on more than a superficial level. I don't know how to build a friendship. I feel so overwhelmed. I'm supposed to start a day program soon and I hope that helps. I'm so isolated.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I feel so overwhelmed

That's because you are taking it as an entire lump.

I don't know how to socialize on more than a superficial level.

Take just this. I would say most only socialize on a superficial level at first but take just this. Ask why? Fear? If so, fear of what? The answer to that, break it down if possible. Keep doing that until you are left with the smallest bit. Work on just that. Then move on to the next one smallest bit. Then the next. And so forth.

This is the part that everyone was telling me to do when I first came to the site and I was like what? How? It took me a while, but I finally got it. It can take a while. But just think about that. Keep asking why. Why can't I seem to connect deep? If its fear, why? What am I afraid of? Rejection? Why am I afraid of rejection? They won't like what they see? Why am I afraid of that? I don't like these things about mysef? Ok, there, you have something to work with. Thats my own example. Yours certianly may vary. But keep asking why or what. Break it down until you can't anymore.

Can a person move a bolder? No. How can they move that bolder alone? By breaking it apart. If they try to move the bolder alone they tire out, overwhlem themselves, and the bolder stays right where it is.

Does that make sense?

 

[EveHarrington]

That's because you are taking it as an entire lump.



Take just this. I would say most only...

Yes, that makes a lot of sense. I will work on breaking things down into bite sized chunks. I think I'm on my way as I think this new day program will help me deal with things piece by piece.

 

[Sideways]

I think getting comfortable with people on a superficial level, letting them stay in your life long term on a superficial level, is actually a good start. Getting comfortable with people being around on our good days and when we're not having a great day, without necessarily going into detail about what's going on for you, just letting them be there? That's a really good start. Because when they've been round long enough, you may start to get more comfortable saying a bit more about who you are, and going back and apologising, or resetting boundaries if you screw up or they screw up. That's a big deal - it's a lot bigger than complete isolation.

The odd thing about "People are so judgemental...", is that's a pretty sweeping statement, and if that's what you're expecting, then you may automatically find evidence to support that belief, and overlook evidence that doesn't support it. Some people aren't judgmental, even though that's what you may be used to, and that's what you may be assuming is going on in their mind.

And while there's some times we push people away so emphatically that we can't go back, sometimes actually just apologising, and starting over with them, we may find that it helps not just restore the relationship somewhat, but also it helps us catch ourselves a little sooner the next time we have the urge to do the same thing again.

They're just thoughts. I don't know if any of that is going to ring true, but I got myself to a place where I was completely isolated. It was safer, but it wasn't, ultimately, because I became so depressed I was chronically suicidal. Then when I practiced just letting a few people exist on my periphery, after a while, despite myself, they'd become more important to me than I intended. And it's uncomfortable, but it's progress.

Now, when I'm being honest with myself, there are actually some people in this world that are important to me. And I think that maybe it's mutual. That's pretty scary and confronting, and some days (weeks, months) I disappear back down my rabbit hole. But the good eggs actually cope with me doing that surprisingly well. People are actually willing to let me back in, if I have the courage to pop my head back out.

People surprise us. There are monsters out there, and if that's what we're expecting to see, and go out ready to fight, then that's what we find. Being ready to go out and be a little bit vulnerable, just a little bit, and be okay with changing our mind and screwing it up and having to apologise occasionally, can change things, slowly, in a big way. Damage that you think you've done irreparably? May not have been so completely devastating as you might think because everyone screws it up sometimes. Everyone has bad days. You have qualities that some people will really like, even if you do screw up occasionally.

 

[joeylittle]

And when I perceive anything negative from them I want to push them away because I think they're just going to throw me away for being flawed.

This is a great statement to work with/from. It's got a lot of stuff in it.

The part about perceiving anything negative: it's very good that you used the word 'perceive'. That is what it is - perception. And our perceptions are often only partly rooted in fact.

This perception is a big thing that drives the behavior you want to change (pushing away).

So, immediately inserting a manual stop - as Casey pointed out, literally walking away from that thought - is always step one.

Step two, most of the time, is some form of distraction, simply in order to stop it from persisting. Just as you said - it will keep running around in your head, otherwise. The only reason there are so many lists of different kinds of distractions is that they are almost like a persons fingerprint: we all have our own unique set, and the process of finding them does take a bit of time. They are also generally strong, medium, and light - depending on the kind of thought.

I know you said acronyms don't help. When I was first learning how to distract I used flash cards. I also had to deal with the thought, "I am a grown woman making a set of flash cards so I can deal with myself". That was an upsetting thought too. I will say, though, they helped me.

Do you know what your distractions are? Have you found any that can truly beat that thought out of your head, or are they not strong enough?

Part two is coming back to the negative thought, after you've gotten some time and distance. It will still be upsetting - but addressing it will help it shift.

The hard reality is that these thought patterns take time to work through. You're trying to get them to 'neutral'. You may have to encounter the same thought in various scenarios a hundred times just to get it to 'mildly upsetting'.

I'm not saying that to daunt you. Honestly - I've been struggling hard with a persistent negative thought for the last year, and writing all this out is going to help me. I am realizing I haven't been doing anything to address the thought, I've only been distracting myself from it.

Addressing the thought is what a 'thought record' is for. It's a worksheet. Doing it can be annoying as heck. Doing it can bring up other feelings: inadequacy, shame, despair, anger. I'm gonna bet that your day program will introduce you to them. It's important to have someone walking you through the process at first. And most important: remembering that you are not going to change your mind very much on the first, or tenth, or twentieth. But I swear, it truly does work if you can just stick with the process.

OK, so that was a number of paragraphs just about the first part of your thought. This is a good example of what is really meant by taking a small chunk.

The second part - throwing you away because you are flawed - is core belief territory. In PTSD/CPTSD, core beliefs were often formed or reinforced by the trauma. Doing the trauma processing work is (I believe) an essential part of challenging and replacing those core beliefs. They simply don't shift without it. I can write more about that if it would be helpful, but am yammering on long enough at this point.

Part of my problem is that I don't know how to even meet people anymore. I don't know how to socialize on more than a superficial level. I don't know how to build a friendship.

I really identify with his. Like ragdoll circus said, friendship takes time. And it's hard to believe it's even worth being patient when you have gone without it for so long. But you will probably find that, once you are working on addressing the negative thought, it will seem more possible to tackle the challenge of putting yourself in situations where you will interact with people.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

This is a tough one. I have been struggling with this for years,

I have as well, and like you @EveHarrington I feel safest alone although it no longer, if it ever truly did, serves me. I know I mentioned this last night in chat, just wanted to reaffirm and offer support. I am working on this issue in my therapy group and hope your day program offers you a similar opportunity. There is so much on this thread, thank you for posting, I've found it enormously helpful.

 

[Beans]

I relate deeply to this thread. It's getting better but it's slow going. I feel far far less anxious in general socially, but there are still skills i missed out on that i feel stumbly about re relationships platonic or otherwise. It can be frustrating but we'll get through it. sloooooowly lol.

 

[Butterflies2023]

Regardless of why you do this - the other responses are correct - you have to actually be aware that it's happening and stop yourself ...make a mental note a note - hey it's happening... and then take a breath or to relax. welcome the person ...pause ...you don't have to respond - just listen. One thing I try to remember is that every conversation is not always "about me". I try to think of the statement every time I feel uneasy and make a swift note about whether this is becoming "all about me" and "my issues" or is it really something that I don't like about that person? if it something I don't like about that person - I just simply let them talk and then walk away and make sure I don't go back to that person and open the door for a friendship. However if it's really something that I really want to pursue or leave open - I might restate that persons comment if I have nothing to share - because at least that shows I was listening. Be easy with yourself - be mindful - be in the moment - be open. Challenge yourself