Hello everyone... I have been reading the forums for several weeks but this is my 1st time posting.
I'll try to keep it short as much as I can.
First of all, English is not my native language so apologies for grammar and other mistakes.
We are in our 40s. I have known him from high school. We reconnected via facebook in 2011 after 20+ years. I knew and heard from
friends that he had a tough time during deployment and had PTSD. I was going through divorce last year when we started chatting online. He reached out to me, admitting he always had feeling for me since high school, but by the time he was back from military I was married. (I had no idea of his feelings). We dated long distance but connected so well, since we were childhood friends. I have been abused by a relative when I was 7. But have been in therapy in my adulthood and only had anxiety and panic attacks. I am known to be very strong & independent.
Like every story here, everything started so good. He admitted being in love with me early on, which I thought was odd. He was also picking random arguments even from things like who I dated 20 years back. Especially after we were close. Since I also have trauma and have a psychology degree I thought it was his PTSD symptoms acting out. He would apologize immediately and all will be well.
We had great dates when I visited him. But then we went on vacation on our 3rd month. Slept together for the first time. He got drunk, acted distant not intimate. Picking random fight and said "I don't know if I can manage a relationship with you having kids, I couldn't manage relationships even with single women".
I got so hurt and told him I didn't want to be with someone who was doubting a relationship and my kids being a part of my life. He told me he didn't mean that he was just scared etc etc. We were OK but distant after the vacation. He started calling less, texting less. I went from being the love of his life to someone who got pushed away & ignored.
He contacting me via text 2-3 weeks later and I told him I was fine and wished him well.
We reconnected after 2 months. I reached out to him. Now we live in the same city. We went on 3 dates. Texted everyday. Got intimate again. He told me he was very upset when things ended the 1st time... I was expecting some pull back after being intimate. But he called and texted that week. But the following week he disappeared again.
I texted him asking if this was going to be our norm. Pulling away after being close. He said there was so much on his plate... I started reading these forums. I cannot decide if I can continue being with someone who cannot even casually date. He has strong feelings for me, but keeps pushing me away. Almost sabotaging the relationship. I give him a week not to text, but how much does it take to text.
Now we have gone 4 weeks with no communication. Should I reach out to him. He always answered me in the past but keeps me at an arms length. He is a nice guy. Has long time friends. Very caring when we are together... But those times are so rare. I am OK with 4-5 days silence, but 3-4 weeks? How is that even a relationship? Told me he was cold with everyone. He didn't want to hurt me or get hurt.
As someone with trauma in my past, I understand his dilemma, but our behaviors are very different. I healed myself by giving love to my friends, family... The poor.. Rescued dogs etc... I love him like I love all my friends. But readings things on here, is it worth pushing a relationship when you are triggering someone's flight response. Most supporters say "tell him you are there for him"... But any contact seems to push him further into isolation...
Oh well... Again a long story... I don't know what I should do. It just feels like such a loss of opportunity when we get along so well, when we have the feelings but cannot be on this path together... I let him go and went no contact. I can contact him and become friends again... I miss him and our friendship but I am afraid that friendship is gone after dating...
I wish everyone peace and balance in all their relationships...
Cheers...
I'll try to keep it short as much as I can.
First of all, English is not my native language so apologies for grammar and other mistakes.
We are in our 40s. I have known him from high school. We reconnected via facebook in 2011 after 20+ years. I knew and heard from
friends that he had a tough time during deployment and had PTSD. I was going through divorce last year when we started chatting online. He reached out to me, admitting he always had feeling for me since high school, but by the time he was back from military I was married. (I had no idea of his feelings). We dated long distance but connected so well, since we were childhood friends. I have been abused by a relative when I was 7. But have been in therapy in my adulthood and only had anxiety and panic attacks. I am known to be very strong & independent.
Like every story here, everything started so good. He admitted being in love with me early on, which I thought was odd. He was also picking random arguments even from things like who I dated 20 years back. Especially after we were close. Since I also have trauma and have a psychology degree I thought it was his PTSD symptoms acting out. He would apologize immediately and all will be well.
We had great dates when I visited him. But then we went on vacation on our 3rd month. Slept together for the first time. He got drunk, acted distant not intimate. Picking random fight and said "I don't know if I can manage a relationship with you having kids, I couldn't manage relationships even with single women".
I got so hurt and told him I didn't want to be with someone who was doubting a relationship and my kids being a part of my life. He told me he didn't mean that he was just scared etc etc. We were OK but distant after the vacation. He started calling less, texting less. I went from being the love of his life to someone who got pushed away & ignored.
He contacting me via text 2-3 weeks later and I told him I was fine and wished him well.
We reconnected after 2 months. I reached out to him. Now we live in the same city. We went on 3 dates. Texted everyday. Got intimate again. He told me he was very upset when things ended the 1st time... I was expecting some pull back after being intimate. But he called and texted that week. But the following week he disappeared again.
I texted him asking if this was going to be our norm. Pulling away after being close. He said there was so much on his plate... I started reading these forums. I cannot decide if I can continue being with someone who cannot even casually date. He has strong feelings for me, but keeps pushing me away. Almost sabotaging the relationship. I give him a week not to text, but how much does it take to text.
Now we have gone 4 weeks with no communication. Should I reach out to him. He always answered me in the past but keeps me at an arms length. He is a nice guy. Has long time friends. Very caring when we are together... But those times are so rare. I am OK with 4-5 days silence, but 3-4 weeks? How is that even a relationship? Told me he was cold with everyone. He didn't want to hurt me or get hurt.
As someone with trauma in my past, I understand his dilemma, but our behaviors are very different. I healed myself by giving love to my friends, family... The poor.. Rescued dogs etc... I love him like I love all my friends. But readings things on here, is it worth pushing a relationship when you are triggering someone's flight response. Most supporters say "tell him you are there for him"... But any contact seems to push him further into isolation...
Oh well... Again a long story... I don't know what I should do. It just feels like such a loss of opportunity when we get along so well, when we have the feelings but cannot be on this path together... I let him go and went no contact. I can contact him and become friends again... I miss him and our friendship but I am afraid that friendship is gone after dating...
I wish everyone peace and balance in all their relationships...
Cheers...
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