Needing Strength When Husband Is Away

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Day two: Not so great, but survived. I was so tired from only sleeping a couple of hours last night. My older son was tired, too. Actually the first part of the morning went well. My boys played in the basement playroom while I sorted through all of the remaining boxes yet to be unpacked. Now the playroom is actually just a playroom. Everything that isn't supposed to be there has been removed and it's just toys, games, music, and art supplies.

I barely made it through lunch with the boys. Quite certain I was dissociating through some of that. After lunch I played the keyboard while the boys played a bit more. I haven't done that in so long. I was amazed my fingers still knew what to do. Felt sad though because I kept thinking about my first piano teacher and wondering if he survived his lung cancer or not.

Put the boys for a nap. The older one kept popping up and I got mad at him. I tossed his stuffed animals out of his bed in anger and told him to get in the bed and that if he got up again he was staying in his room when Grammie came later (empty threat). He cried and I felt horrible. He stayed put though. My mom came to watch them and she played with them and fed them dinner while I went to a therapy appointment.

I am not bribing (or offering an incentive) for my son to stay in bed. He can earn a sticker for each time he stays put in bed this week. If he gets 5 by the end of the week, he can have money towards a toy. I did not hear a peep out of him after I closed his door and he hasn't wandered out once.

I guess I feel it wasn't great because I am not doing that great, but I guess overall it wasn't too bad.

 

[littlelostchild]

That sticker idea was great and sounds like it worked like a charm.

How did you sleep last night?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@littlelostchild - We've used sticker charts with him in the past and they always work well. Sometimes I forget that little strategy though. I slept fitfully, but I slept. Boys are at daycare today so I am going to relax and maybe sleep.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I was using behavior modification charts with my son since he was three years old. By far, the best bribe is getting a drivers license!!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Day 3: Today was a mixed day. Everything parenting was hard, but thankfully today was a daycare day. I feel so horrible sometimes when I can't wait to send my kids to someone else. I love my kids, but sometimes I need a break. I was super nervous about dropping the boys off. It was my youngest son's first day at this daycare and I have never done drop off there before. It went well though. Didn't stop me from being nervous about picking them up at the end of the day, but I survived that to. I even managed to give the boys baths- something I avoid because it triggers my angry part big time. I did get angry, but I kept breathing and it didn't get too out of hand- only a little yelling and no huge screaming matches as in the past. My older son loves to get super silly in the bath and it triggers me.

Most of my day was just me having me time and I did enjoy that. I did a hard thing and called to change doctors for my primary care. Something I have been wanting to do for a year or so now. I HATE dialing the phone so that was pretty hard. I also had a flashback later in the day, but managed to just ignore that (probably because it wasn't my flashback but one from my parts). For good things though, I read my book, I danced and sang, I cleaned bathrooms (yes, that's a good thing as cleaning calms me), and I went to the library all by myself. I have loved public libraries my whole life. Somewhere along the line I developed a bit of a phobia about the books, but today I went and walked among the shelves and picked out three movies and two books that I may or may not watch and read. Overall, I feel good. I am calmer tonight than I have been. I hope that the boys and I wake up in a better spot tomorrow and have a good day together.

 

[littlelostchild]

It sounds like a successful day all around - that is great. You all are getting into a rhythm together while hubby is away. Hopefully tomorrow will be another good day.
:)

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Ugh! This day is not starting off well. I am in one of those all I want to do is sleep modes. My older son is in a silly-I'm-going-to-annoy-everyone-as-much-as-I-can mood (probably from boredom). I think it might be movie time which goes against the regular house rules. It's way too early for TV, but I am struggling. Maybe they can watch one thing and I can find some energy.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am so tired and it is so hot and my youngest is cranky. My oldest wants to collect cardboard boxes in his room to play with. There are possible storms coming later. My anxiety is super high. I am having trouble breathing (I know it's anxiety, but it doesn't help). I am also feeling sick. Oh, how I pray that the next two hours go fast. I fear I am not going to make it.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Day Four: Thank goodness it is nighttime. Even though night scares me and there is a storm coming, the boys are in bed (well mostly anyway- the older one has been up twice again, but I think he may stay this time). I managed to take my boys to the library this morning. It wasn't a calm trip, but it was fine enough. We made smoothies for lunch. I actually ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner today. Yesterday I only ate dinner (as far as meals go) and that didn't stay down. I guess the lack of food and the lack of sleep are probably what's got me so tired today. That and all the emotions running around inside of me. My boys were okay overall, but I was so tired it was hard to want to do anything with them. They watched half of Toy Story and a Fireman Sam video. We played with Thomas the train as well. After dinner we went to check the mail and then I watered the lawn and the boys, too! Our builder came to paint the exterior doors today. That put me a little on edge because even though he's nice enough, I do not like to be alone with men I don't know well. I do not feel safe. He was in the house washing paint brushes. I kept busy with the boys and stayed away. Everything was fine and I don't expect anything to happen with him, but I know enough to keep alert. So now the boys are in bed, I am forcing myself to drink water, and I am freaking out about the distant rumbling of thunder. I am praying my son goes to sleep soon and sleeps through any storms. I completely failed to comfort him when we were camping and had a huge storm. I know I will fail tonight and I have no back-up. So here's hoping the storms magically stay away and that I get some sleep. Two more days.

 

[RussH]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve If the storm hits, and your son wakes up and is frightened, all you have to do is hold him, or maybe play games with him. You say you completely failed him when you were camping. May I say that I suspect you are judging yourself too harshly? Just because he remained frightened, or upset, does not mean you failed to comfort him. You still mitigated the fear of the storm, and gave him a sense of security.

I am glad you checked in and posted about today. I was looking for your post, and again standing with you during this time. You will get through this week just one day at a time, and the hump day is over. It is now a downhill trip. You can do this, I have confidence in you.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@RussH - I failed him when camping. I yelled at him. I could not control myself or my irrational beliefs. All he wanted was a hug or words of reassurance, but all he got was me yelling at him to get back on his mattress and then I collapsed in tears.

Tonight though, he did hear a rumble of distant thunder. Earlier my little one said "I hear fireworks like thunder" and I thought hmm, my husband sees lightning with the same joy he sees fireworks. So I told my older son that thunderstorms were like fireworks for the animals and that Daddy thinks they're just as cool as fireworks, too. I don't know if it will help him if a large storm does come, but he went back to bed.

So far the storms are going all around us. Everywhere on the radar map is list up with severe thunderstorms except a tiny patch around Freeport. May God let it stay that way!

 

[RussH]

So, you yelled at him? I don't know many parents that haven't yelled at there kids at some time or another, and you will both survive it. You did not fail him, you just did not succeed as much as you would have liked.
Every parent loses it at one time or another, and with all the stress you are dealing with, it is understandable.
J, give yourself a break. Take into account all you are dealing with, and don't beat yourself up for being human. I promise you I am way too human at times; just ask my dog, I yelled at her tonight:(

It sounds like you handled things really well tonight. I like the explaination of thunder and lightening; that is very clever.
You are doing well, and for what it is worth you sound like you are a good mom, and I have to believe things are going to get better for you.