Relationship New To The Forum - Need Help With Marriage

[kat2016]

I am new to the forum, but, I felt as if I needed some type of support from others as to what I am dealing with. My husband suffers from PTSD, severe anxiety and anger issues; he was stationed in Afghanistan for 11 months. He has been home for almost two years now, and it seems as if he just returned. We have been married almost two years, together three. He told me 6 months after we got married that he had been cheating on me just three weeks after we got married, was when he first slept with someone else. He slept with two girsl, kissed another, talked to multiples one, became addicted to porn, hiding and receiving pictures from women and inappropriate texts. I had no clue what was going on, I just thought the anger and the way he was, was due to the war. Once he came clean, I struggled, and still do, but God is bringing us through all the damage and has brought us closer and stronger. Things got better for a while, now his anger has taken him over. He bursts out with range over absolutely nothing, road rage is the worst. He flips out on me for the smallest things, he doesnt help me at all, I go to school full time, work 3, sometimes 4 jobs, he has only worked 8 months in the past year and half, I feel like I am drowning. We are both strong Christians, but I dont think he believes that God can take his anger away, he just says its who he is now. His anger is starting to make me angry, living with someone like that will eventually start to come over to you, and I am the last person to ever be angry, its just not who I am. I don't know what to do. We are both so young, have faced so many troubles so early in our marriage.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Laura Porter first of all, have you red about the stress cup yet? Secondly, PTSD does not excuse his bad behavior i.e. the cheating, that must have been devistating for you. Third, the anger is a stuggle for both of you. I highly doubt that he enjoys being angry, but he needs some form of therapy to work through it.. Forth, people get dissabilty due to PTSD for a reason, many of us can't work.

Last but not least, you have made one very dangerous comment. Of course God is not going to take his anger away. It just doesn't work like that. So many people ar told that God will take away their negitive feelings and when it doesn't happen they not only blame them selves because they feel like they don't have enough faith, or have made god angry due to past sins, but become angry at God or lose faith in God. Loss of faith is the eventual path because people tend to judge someones relationship with god on how well things are going in someones life.

I am a former beliver, but your statment is exactly why I lost faith. I heard people say one time to many "Just give your pain to God," or God will take your pain away if you just ask." I would spend days fasting and in prayer all for nothing. It was pure mental torture.

 

[The Albatross]

Is he in treatment? If he is a strong Christian perhaps your pastor/minister/father... can assist in teaching the proper use of anger, which is motivation and adrenaline to initiate change. The cheating is another issue altogether as is the porn... impulse control or character flaw. It was hypocrisy for my spouse to do porn and online chatting (no affairs he's ever admitted to) and profess to be a Christian. We did couples counseling with individual mentors and joint sessions in our church for 14-16 (don't remember now) weeks. It was beneficial for us both and we have been married 26 years today. I am, the PTSD in my relationship, but my mister had issues as well.

Working 8 months, for a PTSD is a big deal... in treatment or out. What services are available to him for the PTSD? I expect the financial strain is something else as well.

 

[kat2016]

@Fadeaway I haven't heard of the stress cup, I will have to look into that. Also, I am not looking to preach my faith or relationship with Christ down your throat, because I know everyone believe differently, however, with faith believing our prayers will be answered, IF it is in God's will. Sometimes God does answer us, and its no, which is harder for us to accept, especially when we do not understand why. We often think He doesn't heard our prayers or see our tears, but He heard us pray the first time. He wants us to have faith and believe in him, I have seen people pray for years before God moved, but it was perfectly timing. We often forget that our timing and Gods timing are completely two different things. God will never give us more than we can handle, but only to make us stronger in the end. Our prayers are never for nothing, I promise. Another thing, which is hard for some to accept, but it is in the word of God. God does not hear the prayer of a sinner, only the prayer of repentance. You have to be a born against Christian for God to hear your prayers. Does not mean that God cannot move in your life, because we are all here for a reason, a purpose and He will still use us for His will be to done.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Religion is all well and good, but your husband needs help from mental health professionals who are familiar with trauma and PTSD. You cannot pray away PTSD. There is no cure for it... Only management.

Has he sought treatment from the VA?

 

[kat2016]

@The Albatross He is in therapy at the VA in our town, but is only going once a month, he says that is all he needed. He is also on two anxiety medications, which he does not take regularly. His does not always have bad days, its some good and some bad, but its hard because I never know what to expect when I get home from work and school. I never know what husband I am going to have, angry or the husband I married. I know God will move in our lives, especially his, I just have to keep my faith and keep praying, and be the best wife, Christian, and light I can be for him. I just needed a way to express all my feelings, so I figured this forum would be a great help to me.

 

[kat2016]

@Sweetpea76 I know there is not a cure, but I also know that God can do all things, even when man cannot. He is seeing a therapist from the VA once a month at the moment, and is taking 2 anxiety medications. He has good and bad days, but his bad days are really hard to handle, especially when I am still dealing with emotional trauma and hurt from the cheating.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You're allowed to be hurt and angry about the cheating. He betrayed you... PTSD does not cause infidelity. It may cause some self destructive tendencies, low self worth, or impulse control issues, but cheating is still a choice that has to be made.

As a supporter, you are allowed to have boundaries and expectations in your relationship. Do we have to make some concessions because our partners are ill? Of course... There are going to be some things they just plain cannot do. However, if they are in a relationship, it is totally reasonable for them to respect their partners boundaries.

Boundaries aren't demands you make on your partner, rather they are your limits. For example, I will not tolerate cheating in my relationship, be it physical or emotional. I have a one strike rule. If he cheats at all, I will leave. That is my boundary. If he wants to be in this relationship with me he has to respect that us my hard and fast limit. I have to be committed to my boundary, and I will absolutely be out the door if he violates that.

Cheating, physical violence, and being horrid to my children are my deal breakers. I have other boundaries when it comes to lashing out or isolating behaviors. Those are reactions to stressors, and with PTSD there are going to be times when he isn't able to manage his stressors well. BUT that does not give him free reign to say terrible things to me or spread the hurt around.

One of the best things I've learned as a supporter is to set and enforce my boundaries.

 

[Fadeaway]

Look, I respect that you have had to overcome a lot in your marriage and and the incredible amount of strength it must have taken you to try and save your marriage. I am in no way discounting your pain, but....

God will never give us more than we can handle, but only to make us stronger in the end.

Bull Shit. You are on a forum full of people who are living proof that you are wrong and find that statement highly offensive.

I was a christian for 26 years, I was raised my my grandfather who was an associated pastor and formerly married into the family in the leadership of one of U.S.'s mega churches. I used to believe as strongly as you appear to if not more. I know christian doctrine, but based on this statement

You have to be a born against Christian for God to hear your prayers.

you might want to double check what good has to say on that. I am not going to quote bible verses here, but this is a clear misinterpretation of scripture. You are confusing the hearts of the wicked with the "un-saved." / steps of soap box

I am sorry that I am being so harsh, but your philosophy is detrimental to the healing of PTSD. Expressing your anger here is all good and fine, and I do hope that my replies do not stop you from reaching out for the support you clearly need. We have some very knowledgeable supporters such as @Sweetpea76 above. She knows her stuff, and i hope you can benefit from her wisdom.

If not now, maybe in time you will be able to see that your statements have been dangerous and hurtful.

 

[The Albatross]

Well, med non compliance first off is a contributing factor (likely) depending on the med... some screw with brain chemistry if the aren't taken as prescribed.

Once a month being all he needs (for treatment by the VA) might be all he "thinks" he needs but clearly his volatility and emotional dysregulation are causing relationship issues. I think I'd consider trying to put together a cohesive message in a calm environment in as soft but direct tones emphasizing love and concern that I could muster and resist the urge to heap on grievances or cross over to "feelings". Factually, this is affecting your marriage and you both. Then open your ears and tick a lock (stay quiet) and listen to what he says. Then you've perhaps got more information to go on.

Agree with Sweet Pea about the infidelity however think it's best to pick your issues as the more there are on the table the higher the risk for "clash of the Titans".

 

[The Albatross]

So far as the "God's will" aspect. My first mother in law was diagnosed with cataracts which progressively rendered her unable to work. I asked her why she didn't seek appropriate treatment which was low risk and she would be able to have her vision or most of it restored. She said, "It's God's will"... I sat quietly across the kitchen table and asked her, "Do you believe in the infallibility of God?"
Yes she said.

"Would you be willing to pray or consider the fact that you were born in this time, in this country when cataract surgery is possible to restore your vision and thank God for that blessing?" When she asked what I was getting at... I reminded her about the man on the mat who was told to get up and walk. He could have easily been carried... but he was told to walk. She got the surgery within two months and was able to return to work for a few more years and she told me thank you.

Your mister is blessed to have treatment and medication available... perhaps he should realize the blessing as it's not available for many with PTSD, and perhaps he should treat his treatment as a man of faith... as a gift from God.

 

[Justmehere]

I know everyone believe differently, however, with faith believing our prayers will be answered, IF it is in God's will. Sometimes God does answer us, and its no, which is harder for us to accept, especially when we do not understand why. We often think He doesn't heard our prayers or see our tears, but He heard us pray the first time.

Sometimes the answer is not simply yes or no. Sometimes the answer is being given some steps to take to work on as you follow Him through the difficult times in life.

I just have to keep my faith and keep praying, and be the best wife, Christian, and light I can be for him. I just needed a way to express all my feelings, so I figured this forum would be a great help to me.

I'm glad you are reaching out and posting here. It is good to keep praying. God does listen and hear you.

Please be very wary of thinking YOU can save your husband from PTSD by being a better Christian, or just being better as a person. There is nothing you can do to cure him. Nothing. You can't rescue him - and it's actually not good for your husband for you to sacrifice so much for him. Your husband is not helped by giving up all you need to help him. If anything is enabling him to stay stuck. What he is doing now is "working" just well enough for him. When it stops "working" and the pain of the consequences of his behavior is greater than his fears of getting help, that's when he is likely to reach out and get more help.

Until he finally does whatever he needs to do to get his symptoms and acting out under control, I recommend getting into some solid counseling for yourself to work on how to handle your husbands behavior and through the very natural and normal pain of the betrayal you have been through. The bible speaks of seeking out good counsel, and this is such a tough situation, anyone in your shoes would need some outside support to get through it.

I also suggest looking into the books "Boundaries" by Could and Townsend, and "Bold Love" by David Allander. They are both geared towards Christians, and written by very solid Christian authors. They speak of how to hold healthy boundaries and love people who are struggling without enabling dysfunction and sin.

Anger in and of itself is not a bad thing. Mismanaged anger can destroy lives. God can move mountains, and yes, even miraculously cure PTSD. Much more often than the rare miraculous sudden cure, God uses doctors and mental health therapists, and supporters who are working on their own pain and stuff (and everyone has "stuff") to help both the sufferer and supporter.