Relationship No intimacy, denies we are in relationship. Need advice!

[somerandomguy]

Sorry...but you seem very negative.

And you seem unwilling to listen to anyone who isn't going to give you the answer you want to hear.

We're just folks with PTSD, and folks who live with and have relationships with people with PTSD. You don't have to listen to us. But we ARE the experts.

 

[Butterfly64]

And you seem unwilling to listen to anyone who isn't going to give you the answer you want to hear.

We're just folks with PTSD, and folks who live with and have relationships with people with PTSD. You don't have to listen to us. But we ARE the experts.

I will listen if it is sound advice and not just attacks on my sufferer, whom I know better than anyone. Calling him an asshole is not sound advice. I know it would probably be best for both of us if I just leave him..it tears him apart not being able to give me what I need and it tears me apart seeing him suffering.

 

[joeylittle]

Reminder to sufferers: You are in the Supporter area.

This thread is becoming a sufferer pile-on, and that's not appropriate for this area of the forum. If you're a sufferer, and your point has been made, move along. Thread bans will be issued if needed.

Back to the topic, thanks.

 

[LuckiLee]

In my opinion nothing much will change until he starts the healing process with therapy and possibly medicine.

In my experience untreated PTSD is a no go for me. It's hard enough to have a PTSD relationship when both parties are working hard on the relationship and trying to heal.

I'm with my guy because he IS doing everything possible to heal. I'm also privileged because he's bringing me with him on his journey and shares alot with me.

Good luck!

 

[Butterfly64]

In my opinion nothing much will change until he starts the healing process with therapy and possibly medicine.

In my experience untreated PTSD is a no go for me. It's hard enough to have a PTSD relationship when both parties are working hard on the relationship and trying to heal.

I'm with my guy because he IS doing everything possible to heal. I'm also privileged because he's bringing me with him on his journey and shares alot with me.

Good luck!

I am truly happy for you. Unfortunately he is not ready for therapy...and will not talk about it. We agreed to be just friends in June, but he does not want to see me for a while...it messes with his head. I have to let him go for now...give him space and not contact him. But it tears me apart.

 

[LuckiLee]

Unfortunately that is probably your best option. He won't/can't change just because you want him to. He has to do all the hard work.

Sorry you're hurting and I really hope he decides to get the help he needs.

 

[Butterfly64]

Unfortunately that is probably your best option. He won't/can't change just because you want him to. He has to do all the hard work.

Sorry you're hurting and I really hope he decides to get the help he needs.

Thank you! And you are right. However it is hard to let go. He is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing when I go to sleep...for two years now. I think about him all the time. But I cannot save him. So no more! If he insist on not seeking therapy now, then nothing changes.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok, I am a supporter, so this is coming from a supporter perspective. My responses tend to look out for the supporter and their well being first. I’m not attacking your guy, I don’t know him. My advice is focused on you and your own mental state.

now that I have found this Forum I know, the way he acts...running, coming back...is “normal” PTSD behavoiur and I that has helped me immensely to understand him better...I know he wants a relationship with me....I know he loves intimacy, but holds it back, because as he said two weeks ago...if I give you my little finger, you will take the entire arm...meaning, if he opens up for intimacy just a little he will be in a relationship before he knows what is going on...and he cannot handle that...he has a hard time taking care of himself!

Did he tell you all of this, or is this what you’ve concluded from reading the forums?

There is no “normal” PTSD behavior. Everybody responds to stressors differently. Some isolate, so relationship hop, some are promiscuous, some avoid... and on and on. Keep in mind these are coping mechanisms, not symptoms. He is choosing his behaviors here, for whatever reason.

You have to be careful if it’s from reading the forums... a lot of supporters come here looking for reasons to explain or excuse the way their sufferers are acting. It helps the heartbreak. So be careful not to try and mind-read or excuse everything because he has PTSD. That is a HUGE supporter trap. HUGE.

Keep in mind, if this behavior is not acceptable for anybody else, it is not acceptable for him. PTSD is not a free pass.

The past two years have been full of hurdles...getting his early retirement....struggle for over 6 years to get that, then waiting for the settlement he was promised, then buying a house...no energy for therapy...unfortunately!

Hon, there is always something. If he wanted therapy he’d get it. That’s a universal truth. Excuses are easy, treatment is hard.

It is in his interest to get better...that has nothing to do with me.

You can see that... probably everybody but him can see that. It doesn’t mean that he wants to. Getting better is hard. Trauma therapy is brutal. He has to be ready to take that on. He may not be able to.

There is nothing that you can do or say to fix this. He sounds like he isn’t healthy enough for a relationship. That suuuuuucks from the supporter side. Loving you has nothing to do with it. You could be the most perfect, smoking hot, patient, understanding woman in the world that he loves madly... it won’t make him better. You can’t love the PTSD out of him. He won’t heal himself out of love for you.

PTSD relationships can work. Some of us here have been with our partners for years. The trick to it is, like @LuckiLee said earlier, a partner healthy enough for a relationship and lots and lots of work from both parties.

What I would suggest is sitting down and thinking about what your needs are, what your boundaries are, and what you can realistically deal with. I’m not saying leave. I’m saying take the love goggles off and look at reality. Supporters don’t get love goggles. Our partners are mentally ill, and we have to live in reality land.

Think about these questions - Can you live with things the way they are now? What if he gets worse? What are your deal breakers? Does he make you more happy than sad?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It sounds like he is telling you the only way he can that he cannot give you want you need and he is struggling. Why are you holding on so tightly?

 

[EveHarrington]

He does not sleep around...that is the whole point. He has mentioned it three times, to push me away when he felt I pushed him too far...when I insisted on spending time together like we used to and more intimacy. As I have learned from reading various posts....some sufferers will push their supporter away and say not so nice things...to protect themselves from getting too involved, but also to protect their supporter.
He was a player 10 years ago when he was 33 years old...he is not now. He loves me, I believe he deep down longs to be in a relationship with me, but he does not have the energy...and believes that he is not worthy of me.

Ok, so it seems that it comes down to this...

Is this behavior something that you can live with?

Can you get your needs met?

I think these are things you’ll have to evaluate as the relationship progresses.

It can be quite difficult to be in a relationship with a sufferer who is in treatment, and it can be even harder when the sufferer isn’t working on healing.

What matters is that it’s something you can personally handle. I have been with guys who bail pretty quickly, and others who hang on a bit longer. Some see my issues as workable, while others can’t handle it because of their own personal baggage.

:hug:

 

[OrangeJulius]

It is in his interest to get better

Yes....it certainly is. It is in my interest to eat healthy, exercise everyday, and get 8 hours of sleep at night. I don't do that. I make excuses because its not important enough to me and humans in general are terrible at doing what's in their interest.

In fact, you yourself have admitted

I know it would probably be best for both of us if I just leave him

Calling him an asshole is not sound advice.

This is actually very sound advice in my opinion. PTSD supporters have a tendency to excuse bad behavior "because PTSD" when the exact same behavior in someone without PTSD would be labeled an asshole. Look around here and you'll see many discussions around "PTSD or asshole" as supporters try to sort it out.

Example: Being angry. You can yell and shout and disagree to the nth degree. And many PTSD sufferers seem to hit "angry" faster than other people. They are entitled to their feelings just as you are.....but that does NOT mean they are entitled to call you names or disrespect you. They may be angry because of PTSD, but they are name-calling and being disrespectful because they are an asshole.

The advice to you here is saying yes, he has PTSD and part of those symptoms may be going numb and having difficulty naming feelings. But treating you as he has is not a symptom of PTSD, it is a personality trait outside of PTSD and those traits mixed with the actions you describe make him an asshole from the little information we have about him in text format on an anonymous forum.

I am a supporter. I get it. These awesome anonymous internet people have told me over and over that my wonderful boyfriend is an asshole. And I agree with them when I look at what information they have about him. I don't like hearing it, but I need to so I don't excuse his bad behavior.

I highly recommend getting into therapy yourself. It helps immensely with sorting out reality and excuses and self-worth.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Boundries! Gosh, so important! So, so, so, SO important for me and for the supporter that is setting it and for the relationship.

I have said it a millon times. Boundries help me as well as you. They guide me, helping me learn as I go. They help you by not allowing me to be an asshole to you because you will not stand for that. I WILL MOST CERTIANLY BE an asshole to you and not even mean to if you let me be. That is where boundries come in. They stop me from accidently making people my personal doormat...because they will not allow that or tolerate that in their life. So, if I want them in my life, I cannot be an asshole to them. Period. Or there are smaller boundries set around that. Time outs. Communication afterwards. Etc.

By the way, one can act like an asshole without being an asshole. I am the sweetest, most giving, most empathic, sympathic person I know. I am far from an asshole as a person. But, my actions? They can be very asshole-ic. Asshole actions are seperate from the person. I can be the biggest asshole known in town but the real me? Not so much. That doesn't mean that behavior isn't being an asshole because it is. Though I am personally not an asshole.

I hope that made some sense.