@Cashew (and
@theshadowoftheliving) - you're very right - and I am pretty confident my guy would have been MISdiagnosed, and perhaps multiple times over.
In no small part because he didn't feel he could honestly share the specifics of WHAT he was "hearing" / struggling with, and he certainly wasn't willing to confess some of the details of his past traumas in a counseling/therapy session. Things "came out" between us because they "had" to .. He had enough maturity and self-awareness and past relationship experience to know that if he wasn't 100% honest with me about everything, he couldn't be sure we were building OUR relationship on solid ground - he'd always be hiding something, afraid I'd find him out, etc.
The myriad ways in which we HIDE things even from OURSELVES is a huge part of what causes our pain and struggle. This is true for "multiples" and "singletons" alike! But, it is my firm conviction, the truth - however awful it might be - really does set us free. :) :(
And no label captures every nuance of a person .. we need an individual approach, and I can't stress this enough, a gracious/merciful/KIND approach! It is kind for the surgeon to apply the scalpel to remove the cancer, but if you're told you have cancer when you don't .. *shrug* I digress .. :)
I suspect my fiancé might have been labeled with everything from bipolar/OCD/schizophrenia/panic/anxiety/depression/borderline personality disorder et al, or any combination thereof. Some of his (or any of our) "observable behaviors" and anecdotal experiences he'd have shared could certainly have the appearance of something they weren't. As it is, we really wrestled with the "label" part of the process ..
Each person is so unique - and while there ARE some helpful "buckets" -- these need not DEFINE a person.
What came more NATURALLY to us, was the fact I LOVED him already. It just didn't concern me - the nuts and bolts of what he felt was "broken" .. And I didn't see him as "broken" .. Nothing he could tell me could undo my love for him. HE didn't really believe that at first, but every time he tiptoed into some further disclosure, he was shocked to find my entering into it with him - either by virtue of my not judging him, or by virtue of my grieving WITH him as he recovered some of the past traumas, etc. So I was "concerning myself" only cuz I wanted to make it EASIER for him to manage things, less painful for him when he "switched" (though I didn't know that was what was happening at first) ..
I already saw him - and see him still - as a WHOLE person, even if that's not altogether how he experiences himself.
I was MUCH more prone to seeing our similarities than our differences. He credits me with having "normalized" his internal world, in large part because I could "relate" to his various "moods" .. I've heard others suggest that such empathy from "singletons" (non-multiples) can oversimplify, or seem to reduce the impact of (especially developmental) trauma, but in our experience, we didn't have the luxury of realizing those were the rules (ahem!), and we just did what we knew was working for us, and our relationship, as such, has been way more "organic" and frankly - way SIMPLER than a lot of the textbooks I like to deep-dive into would like to make this out to be.
I most certainly do NOT want to minimize his experiences, or the very real struggle of trying to appear "single-minded" to the "outside" world. I didn't dismiss, but entered INTO his own grieving and recovery process with him - as more memories surfaced, as I BELIEVED his memories even when he questioned them himself at times (cuz some parts remembered things that the rest of him didn't) .. For HIS part, he covenanted within himself to be as truthful as possible, to the best every part knew how .. And I'd take notes, and show him what he had revealed, and he trusted me to be as truthful in return (not manipulative, etc). I was a bit like the movie screen on which he projected the story of his life, and I traced it, and transcribed it, and handed it back to him. I saw our efforts as mainly a matter of learning to communicate well, have GRACE in the "clicks"/"switches", understand "who" I'm talking to at any given time, etc. And he had to have grace towards me, cuz I could really trigger him without at all intending to - especially if I wasn't managing my own emotions well.
Ok, I think I'm rambling, now. (apologies!) .. Suffice it to say, I love ALL of my man's "personality states" for their own reasons, and they ALL make up my guy, who is brilliant, a survivor, extremely BRAVE, and ... well, I could go on like this all day.
Where I would most hope these bits of our story might be helpful to OTHERS is here:
Trauma does NOT "define" a person (and we don't have to let it); there IS healing, whether it looks "normal" or not .. And even if we live with the
scars of our past, we can still find NEWNESS and
wholeness in the every day and the little steps that move us forward! I think my fiancé is a living breathing MIRACLE. :) :hug: :inlove: And he's kinda turned me into one, too. (I lost 160 lbs under the influence of his love and guidance, and learned how to set healthy boundaries with my own family, and he's inspired me to be "brave" in my own life where I'd otherwise be too much a people pleaser, etc.)
We don't need to be stigmatized- we DO (every one of us!) need direction and support in making it through in this life, and in learning how to overcome our respective internal "glitches" in the matrix, so to speak. Thank GOD this is a very REAL and worthwhile pursuit!!
~WU
