Politically incorrect

[EveHarrington]

Ok with your last reply, it seems to me that you have homophobic tendencies.

You are hurt that a friend of yours made gay friends after you were assaulted by a gay man?

What if you were assaulted by a black person and then got upset that your friend made new black friends. Can you see how crazy this is? Not only are you thinking “all gay men are bad” but you are expecting your friends to buy into it too.

You’re painting entire populations with the same paintbrush. Can you see the problem with this?

One more question.

Why are you diagnosing yourself with ptsd when you haven’t been diagnosed with it by a professional?

(I went back and read your intro.)

 

[Deleted member 45988]

EveHarrington said:

"What if you were assaulted by a black person and then got upset that your friend made new black friends. Can you see how crazy this is?"

I meant that female best friend was initially the only person I could talk to about this since girlfriend believe wrongdoers and was mad at me for cheating on her with her gay friend, roommates made fun of the situation, etc. Female best friend then made friends with *the gay couple that assaulted me* after listening to me complain about sexual assaults, she was not friends with them before I was sexually assaulted.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ok you’ve repeatedly dodged my question about why you’ve self-diagnosed yourself with PTSD.

I’m here to help people who actually have PTSD. Not people who diagnose themselves with PTSD and then just want to argue with everyone without actually taking anyone’s advice.

If this thread follows history, it will be quite long as various people try to help you but you reject all advice.

I’m personally not up for that again.

Good luck to you.

 

[Deleted member 45988]

@Ronin said:

"I don't think you have as many issues with trauma as with homophobia, xenophobia, over focusing on conspiracies where there aren't any and thinking you're the center of other people's attraction and attention no matter what...."

Both of the roommates I mentioned were immigrants, one Hispanic, my last girlfriend was black, my current girlfriend voted for Hillary, I go somewhere to be in a group that includes gays and Jews and blacks. I really wish someone would get how the traumatic thing was all the looking for ways to blame, or at least find fault with, the victim, as has been going on in this thread to some extent.

 

[littleoc]

Hello again :)

I feel like you are having so much trouble getting past this that you're accidentally going over the same issue -- and are fully aware that you need professional help but you are not sure that getting it would be safe.

Your life seems to have revolved around politics a bit -- you come from a right winged small town, and went to a left winged area and became a liberal. Yet, you weren't raised on those ideas, so you were having to adjust. I feel it's possible that both times, you were trying to leave behind a helpless feeling of being bullied or ignored.

So, when men attacked you, your brain went back to were it was safer -- such as repeating the word "gays" when you really mean "individuals who assaulted me."

There's also a bit of a cognitive distortion here, where gays become the bad guys. I want to say that a group of people cannot all be after you, of course, and I already know that you know that. But you've gone through so many pains to accept gays and then to push them all away as dangerous, all in one post. It says a lot about the turmoil you're going through.

A psychologist won't react to you saying that a gay person assaulted you, but they may react to implications that all gay people are after you.

They won't tell you you're being politically incorrect, though. They'll tell you that you've been through events that are fueling a distortion in your perception of reality, and it's something they would want to work on with you.

I know you feel unsafe, unsupported, and like no one wants to understand because you are in a group of people who are doomed to be abused. It's easy to have this kind of thought, even if you don't have PTSD. It feels like no matter where you go or how you align politically, you are always in the space that gets no attention and no understanding.

In reality, you have been taught that you are unable to be helped, unable to be supported, and not worth protection. These are negative core beliefs that seem to be coming through pretty strongly right now - if I'm seeing it right.

I don't think you're trying to be hateful. I think it's just coming out that way. Phrases like "gay strangeness" are threatening phrases to most people. They don't imply that the person, an individual, was making you uncomfortable with certain behaviors, but that as a gay person this person was dangerous to you and your well being.

And for the record, "straight" people assault people of their own gender. You do not have to be gay to rape someone, or assault them, or molest them. It's a power thing, and other things, but I have known of straight people who did awful things to people of their own gender.

Meanwhile, as we've both agreed already in other threads, being gay doesn't define a personality. But being a rapist does -- if someone is assaulting you? Who cares what gender or race or sexual orientation they have?


I think what happened here was, again, that you were raised in a very conservative way (which is not a bad thing) that also included that being gay was bad, weird, and even dangerous. It's a common belief. Then when you became liberal, you were new to this and it didn't change how your thoughts behaved. When you were assaulted, your mind did the best it could to make sense of this. And it put gay people into a category, which is a very normal thing to have happen in this case.

What's threatening people is your categorization -- not that a gay person attacked you. There may be people on the left and the right with very strong opinions either way, and those are confusing and in your case very unhelpful.

What you need are skills for your boundaries, for feeling supported, and for not feeling so helpless and forgotten.





And, very quickly, I'd like to remind you as a gay person that I know that gay people aren't all like this. As others have said, this is not your fault, but something in your behavior is definitely happening here. It would be worth seeing a psychologist and getting help, and being stable enough to depend on yourself and know when it's time to get assistance -- in a way that won't accidentally cause arguments.

I hope that helps.

 

[Muttly]

@Pokeyslow, it seems you didn't reply to my post. Was my rephrasing reasonable?

 

[Deleted member 45988]

@littleoc says:

"There's also a bit of a cognitive distortion here, where gays become the bad guys. I want to say that a group of people cannot all be after you, of course, and I already know that you know that. But you've gone through so many pains to accept gays and then to push them all away as dangerous, all in one post. It says a lot about the turmoil you're going through."

I appreciate you being a level headed voice, and appreciate the thought and effort you put into responding, but I am not trying to make some reality exist that isn't there. Here, look at this article in a gay magazine written by a gay author titled "How Gay Men Normalize Sexual Assault." This is somewhat similar to some of my experiences. Like I feel like there is a problem between gay men that is actually worse than between straight men and straight women, but that somehow me being tolerant opened me up to. I realize all this opens up a huge can of worms, but actually addressing it helps more gays than straights, since I don't think gays sexually assaulting gays is addressed in any meaningful way.

How Gay Men Normalize Sexual Assault

 

[Muttly]

Ok, that is a view point of a gay man. That man does not speak for the whole gay community. I have been assaulted by straight men, bi-men, straight women and bi-women. I've never been assaulted by a gay man, even though I spend plenty of time with them. I have been to gay bars. I have been to pride events. Now, do I disagree with everything written in that article? No. I have heard, "expect to get groped if you get to the gay bar." That does reveal a problem. However, does that mean that gay men are predators? No. It means that in a segment of the population, there is a problem.

I will reiterate something that @littleoc said. Straight men do assault straight men. It's not clear to me, from what you've written that every single man who gave you problems was gay

Even if that's the case and that article you linked is true of all gay me, so what? What does that have to do with you and your recovery? The problem is that you have been hurt. That's what the focus needs to be on, whether they are gay, straight, male, female, black, white, jewish, christian, purple or alien.

I will agree with what many others have pointed out. You have this tendency to categorize. How does that help you? Is it a deflection? If you focus on what's wrong with a group of people or the fact that the liberal narrative won't accept your suffering because of these categories keep the focus off your pain/fears/etc? Are you trying to feel safer? If everything can be categorized, the world seems more predictable?

I also see no one trying to blame you for what you have already experienced. I have seen some people point out that if behaviors keep repeating, it's time to do some self-examination. The same applies for me. When I kept getting into abusive relationships, I need to look at what I was doing. Did that mean I was at fault for the abuse? nope. What it did mean, is I'd learned unhealthy patterns.

You might want to take a look at this article: Dead Link Removed

 

[Deleted member 45988]

@littleoc said:

"What's threatening people is your categorization -- not that a gay person attacked you. There may be people on the left and the right with very strong opinions either way, and those are confusing and in your case very unhelpful. "

I felt like what happened is after sexual assault, is some people were extremely upset at me. Like angry with me. Like, to me, I am just trying to get a sexual assault taken seriously, but it was such a political hot button to gay activist types surrounding me that it wasn't just a sexual assault, it was like I was troubling to their views about reality. But at the time it was more just confusing and enraging why people were acting like this.

@littleoc said:

"Your life seems to have revolved around politics a bit"

To me, my experiences in small town led me to believe that conservatives were a bunch of hypocrite jackasses. Then my experiences around liberals in city led me to believe that liberals were a bunch of hypocrite jackasses. Like it seemed like everyone was against me. I was having constant panic attacks because it was like I was being attacked on all sides and people could do whatever the hell they wanted to me and not suffer consequences, and there was no direction to find cover from all the jackasses.

 

[Muttly]

And everything you just described is the problem with trying to categorize. It's an example of black/white thinking. Your experience in a small town showed you that some conservatives could be jackasses. Your experiences in the city showed you that some liberals could be jackasses. And if that's your expectation, that's what you are going to find.

Lots of people, who have been sexually abused have experienced blame and disbelief. This is not unique to your experience. Slapping a label on it, like claiming your being homophobic might have no reason as to why you are being blamed. Just like some women who are sexual abused get called sluts by friends and family after an assault. That's the label the blamers use because it's handy but the real motivations can be diverse. It can be everything from not wanting to believe it could happen (because then they'd have to acknowledge to them); to not wanting to have to take responsibility; to fear (if I accept what happens am I going to lose my friends).

And as @littleoc mentioned, the way you explain things might unintentionally be playing into how you are received. For example, suppose someone said, everyone who raped me was Christian. A lot of Christians might get defensive. They might assume that judgement was being passed down on Christians. Now, if the same thing was rephrased just a bit, "I was raped by several different people who happened to be vocal Christians and now things associated with Christianity make me uncomfortable" there is already going to be a lot less discomfort. Why, because it takes the focus off associating Christians with rape, and puts the focus on your personal discomfort with Christians because of your personal experiences.

 

[Deleted member 45988]

@Muttly said:

"Now, do I disagree with everything written in that article? No. I have heard, "expect to get groped if you get to the gay bar." That does reveal a problem. However, does that mean that gay men are predators? No. It means that in a segment of the population, there is a problem."

But that's not different from what I'm saying. I still talk to gays and don't run screaming at the sight of a man in stylish clothes because I think they might attack. :) To me it's like if some woman came on here and talked about this sexual assault and that sexual harassment and this sexual assault, then there was some knee jerk reaction and all sorts of energy spent trying to figure out exactly what the woman did wrong or how she is at fault or what delusions she might have.

That article was first thing that matched my experiences. It was like I had experiences which were constantly proof of somehow I am at fault for doing something wrong or having delusional beliefs or something else.

Like I take that article and something I heard on public radio about gay men looking for hook ups texting pictures of penises to each other, and it sort of makes sense why I would suddenly receive a text of a penis from someone I wanted to buy something from. I think he maybe texted penis photo to wrong person. But still, this is different and worse problem women experience. Probably very rarely would a straight woman receive a random text of a penis and if she complained about, she would not likely have to defend how her real motivation is not her intolerance towards men.

 

[anonymous]

@Muttly said: "Now, do I disagree with everything written in that article? No. I...

Are you for real?

OMG!

Straight female here.

I can’t even tell you how many unsolicited cock shots/dick pics I’ve received. Dozens?

It’s quite humorous that you think the dick pic phenomenon is a gay man thing.

You’re adverse to opening your mind and actually healing. You think that everything wrong that happens to you is because of big bad gay men.