Politically incorrect

[Muttly]

Ok, I am going to try something here again. I am going to take the "gay" mostly out of it.

First roommate and his boyfriend- abusive. Yes, as roomie had been pressuring you about "gay sex" I can see how it would add a layer of confusion, but basically they are creeps.

Second guy, who moved into, flat out an abuser. He probably isn't gay. He is repeating abuse patterns. Sadly, you were vulnerable and he targeted you.

Guy you let into apartment building who grabbed your crotch - may or may not have been gay. He may have been gay and found you attractive and groped you (something straight women deal with from men all the time) or he may have just been a creep

Boss who kept touching you on the ass, probably not gay. Take people at their word, they should know their own sexuality. Yes, I know he was at a gay bar. He also had an altercation with "lesbian women". Sadly there are guys who find lesbian women hot and go to gay bars just to see them kiss or talk them into doing more with their girlfriends while they watch. There are guys who like patting touch other gays asses. I find it weird. Watch sports teams. Watch how often an american football player touches the ass of another player.

The guy who sent you a penis picture- who knows? it could have been meant for someone else, including his girlfriend. You have no clue if he is gay or straight. Don't assume

Guy who wanted to give you a discount for a blow job - probably gay? I don't know. You don't know. Maybe he was just trying to be coercive. Maybe he was like second guy who moved into your apartment and was a flat out abuser and trying to see what he could get away with you. Maybe he and his friends were drunk and thought it would be funny to say that.

Guy from college who said medication made him gay- This guy was seriously confused. He said he was gay. He said he wasn't gay. The bigger issue with him is he was having serious mental health issues. Also, it's not your fault he committed suicide. It really isn't

So, take gay out of the equation. You've had a lot of painful and abusive relationships by men. You've had a lot of painful, unwanted, abusive and confusing interactions with men.

 

[Deleted member 45988]

@Suzetig stated:

"I think you’re way underestimating how much victim blaming goes on with women...

This is all such ridiculous behavior that I guess maybe I underestimated absurdity of people. Like I don't understand how it can occur to people that victim is at fault and then everyone should gang up on the victim? Like do people have IQs of chipmunks?

"I wonder if what you’re struggling with is that you’ve experienced a bit of what life is like for women.…

I think it's a bit different because women are at least made aware of how men can be pigs. There was so much pro-gay info, that it never even occurred to me that a gay couple might sexually assault me. And other things, like both roommates were convinced that they were "made gay" isn't supposed to be possible. Like i sort of felt like if I was made aware that such things were possible and actually a problem and then I made a mistake, I could accept that maybe I could have behaved differently even if I still wasn't at fault, but it was like I felt like all the pro-gay talk half tricked me into letting my guard down too much...Just saying...

 

[Suzetig]

I think it's a bit different because women are at least made aware of how men can be pigs.

So it’s ok for women, because we’re used to being mistreated by men to the point where we know it’s a possibility and act accordingly but you thought you were perfectly safe in this world. Yes, I can see that the realisation that you aren’t untouchable would come as a huge shock, but frankly it came as a huge shock to me, and many other women, to find that we could be forcibly made to have sex against our will - and no I shouldn’t need to go through life with my guard up to stop that happening.

I think the whole gay thing is a bit of a red herring, if you were a woman raped by a man folk would understand you saying you had a fear of men but would challenge the assumption that the fear was based on (or that all men are dangerous). I think keeping the “all gay men are dangerous” thing going gives you a way to avoid the pain of knowing you were assaulted in a way you didn’t expect by people you thought were safe. I feel your pain that and wonder if giving that some space might help move things along for you.

As an aside, please can you go to the practice threads and learn how to quote properly, you’re breaking forum rules on duplicated content by copying whole quotes into your posts. Just either tag the person you’re replying to (eg by typing @ Suzetig without the space) or quote just the part of the reply you’re answering.

 

[anthony]

Like I don't understand how it can occur to people that victim is at fault and then everyone should gang up on the victim? Like do people have IQs of chipmunks?

Victims can absolutely be at fault / have a percentage of fault from the circumstance. Victim is not a word that strictly implies a person is void from their actions and ownership of their actions / circumstance.

 

[Deleted member 45988]

Thanks @Muttly for writing . I'm not sure if I agree with all your categorizations or not, but somehow it makes me feel better that someone read through what I said, and apparently took it at least somewhat seriously and responded. I think maybe why I stay so angry is because I feel like I have to be ultra angry at all the injustices because no one else is even interested in acknowledging that something wrong occurred. So I have to be super angry to make up for the complete lack of outrage from everyone else, and actual acknowledgement that something wrong might have occurred does make a difference.

 

[shatter eyes]

Like do people have IQs of chipmunks?

Chipmunks are smart. Chipmunks can stash nuts in multiple places and plan routes and recover their stash seasons later. Chipmunks have better memory than me.

Pokeslow everything you have shared is worthy to be shared as is with a therapist. It will be a journey to work through all that you experienced. We got to start somewhere.

 

[Neverthesame]

I wasn't originally planning to mention this, I'm not sure if it's a good idea now. But here goes.

In your opening post, you used the word "gay" 29 times.
Often when it really wasn't necessary for illustrating your point. I'm not saying that to apply the label of homophobe, racist or anti-semite.
I am saying it to point out that you are trying really hard to make that the point. You are trying really hard to shift all responsibility onto something else. It won't work.

Teaching yourself to hate people, won't make you feel better. Anger and hate are a means of trying to control your own fears.
It changes nothing.

One guy somewhere hates homosexuals, blacks and jews?
Who cares?
One guy somewhere resents women because one was rude to him once?
Who cares?

The problem with hating whole groups of people is that you are forever outnumbered by more people than you can count.
There's also the problem that comes with an irrational hatred of whole groups of people. Which is, no one is going to empathise with you because you are associating people to your own paranoia and shame. Worse, no one can help you as your enemies aren't real.

I want you to look at the responses you got here. Notice that no one called you names and told you off?
Notice that several people from your list of "undesirables" tried to reach out to you, so you could see the way the world actually works, outside from your paranoid fear?

I'm the poor oppressed straight white male you want to be your poster child of victimhood. Only problem is, I have never been the victim of these groups which you fear.
I have known, befriended and worked with gays, trans, blacks, jews, hispanics and asians.
Been to many gay bars. (Wicked fun by the way. Best club atmosphere bar none).
Were they all saints? No. But neither all white men.
My life experience tells me you are not correct in your thinking.

I truly feel sorry for you. Holding on to hate and fear is exhausting and lonely. I hope you can learn to let it go before it consumes you and becomes all you know.

This is a rhetorical question, even more so that you are banned.

Do you really want to live knowing only hatred and fear?

I would call that a life wasted.
Goodbye.