Chris-duck
Policy Enforcement
I'm spamming this board like f*ck, and I apologise, but shit's on my brain all the time, so hey.
So back in them days when I was a teenager and lived with my douche of a dad and marshmallow of a mother (very sweet, melts under the tiniest flame) I had court mandated therapy (I ran away and social work involvement n witness to a thing, no criminal history) that extended into not entirely voluntary cos I was pressured to say yes, but also not entirely mandated either. But before each session my parents would have phoned him telling him how I'd been and given me a list of acceptable topics and phrases to recite. And I essentially did that, but T was a massively stressful thing with him probably knowing shit was weird with his biweekly calls about what to talk to me about and my generic answers.
But yeah, at some point he guessed CSA and I neither confirmed or denied, and then he requested a meeting with parents, which I couldn't really refuse so they came along and he said something about "due to the information I have disclosed he feels like he should continue therapy with less parental input as I've now hit 16 etc." so yeah. Then I got a broken arm from that interaction.
But my point is really the feeling f*cking trapped before every session that you would think, years later, with years of therapy in the middle, I'd be over it. But it's like for the 24 hours before I'm filled with SI thoughts and the only thing that stops them is basically like "its f*cking 24 hours, in 24 hours it'll be over n you'll have a week free of dealing with it". And I understand most people have pre-T nerves, but that seems uh a bit extreme and probably reminiscent of T as a teen actually not being safe. And people tell me that basically everyone feels like that, or I'm not with the same T now, and Im an adult now etc etc. And it's not that I don't understand that, it's just instinctual.
Like I know my position now is safe, and I know confidentiality is a thing, and I know nobody is trying to f*ck me over etc. But I mind a member here telling me that I think I'm special because I get nervous preT, but everyone does. And it seems normal to be nervous pre T, but not normal to be like "you can survive this, just wait it out".
And I still go, and I'm still honest and they're aware of all this shitshow in my head. And I can stay safe cos it's literally every single week so suicidal ideation becomes boring, cos I don't really mean it, it's just a childish "get out of this shit before you're caught and in trouble" thing, not *real* ideation. I dunno. Maybe I'm wrong and everyone feels like that and I'm just trying to be special. But if so, Ts got their work cut out eh.
Yeah thanks.
So back in them days when I was a teenager and lived with my douche of a dad and marshmallow of a mother (very sweet, melts under the tiniest flame) I had court mandated therapy (I ran away and social work involvement n witness to a thing, no criminal history) that extended into not entirely voluntary cos I was pressured to say yes, but also not entirely mandated either. But before each session my parents would have phoned him telling him how I'd been and given me a list of acceptable topics and phrases to recite. And I essentially did that, but T was a massively stressful thing with him probably knowing shit was weird with his biweekly calls about what to talk to me about and my generic answers.
But yeah, at some point he guessed CSA and I neither confirmed or denied, and then he requested a meeting with parents, which I couldn't really refuse so they came along and he said something about "due to the information I have disclosed he feels like he should continue therapy with less parental input as I've now hit 16 etc." so yeah. Then I got a broken arm from that interaction.
But my point is really the feeling f*cking trapped before every session that you would think, years later, with years of therapy in the middle, I'd be over it. But it's like for the 24 hours before I'm filled with SI thoughts and the only thing that stops them is basically like "its f*cking 24 hours, in 24 hours it'll be over n you'll have a week free of dealing with it". And I understand most people have pre-T nerves, but that seems uh a bit extreme and probably reminiscent of T as a teen actually not being safe. And people tell me that basically everyone feels like that, or I'm not with the same T now, and Im an adult now etc etc. And it's not that I don't understand that, it's just instinctual.
Like I know my position now is safe, and I know confidentiality is a thing, and I know nobody is trying to f*ck me over etc. But I mind a member here telling me that I think I'm special because I get nervous preT, but everyone does. And it seems normal to be nervous pre T, but not normal to be like "you can survive this, just wait it out".
And I still go, and I'm still honest and they're aware of all this shitshow in my head. And I can stay safe cos it's literally every single week so suicidal ideation becomes boring, cos I don't really mean it, it's just a childish "get out of this shit before you're caught and in trouble" thing, not *real* ideation. I dunno. Maybe I'm wrong and everyone feels like that and I'm just trying to be special. But if so, Ts got their work cut out eh.
Yeah thanks.