ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[BlackbirdSinging]

Blackbird, please do all you can to get out of this now if can.

I've been battling this off and on since I was a teenager. The only thing that's new is that my therapist basically made it official. It's beyond enticing for me. It's like some kind of addiction. It doesn't even feel like a choice. I feel like I have to do it. It's a slippery slope. I can't keep a scale in the house because I obsess about the numbers. And I'm living with my parents who have a scale. So now it's part of my regular habit to weigh myself and obsess about the numbers the food and stare at my body thinking "just a little bit smaller". I constantly worry about either what I'm going to eat or mapping out what I've eaten.

 

[Abstract]

Just a little worried. I seem to have a gastric bug of some type and am nauseous as well as running to the loo. Sorry if to much information.

The thing is that I have not got physically sick since my eating disorder improved so much. It has become such a thing for me now. Basically terrifies me. And it seems has become mixed up with some other stuff. Just hope this doesn't happen. Am trying not to fixate. Acceptance and think of something else.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I hope you feel better soon Abstract!

 

[Abstract]

feel better

Thank you Blackbird! I seem to have weathered it.

 

[SilentWarDiva]

I can't keep a scale in the house because I obsess about the numbers.

I live in a scale-free environment as well. The other night, I was babysitting, and they had a scale in their bathroom. I DIDN'T step on it. Small victory, but 3 days later, I'm still wondering what that number would have been.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I DIDN'T step on it. Small victory, but 3 days later, I'm still wondering what that number would have been.

That's great that you didn't :). I know exactly what you're talking about with the wondering. I don't keep a scale in my house but I'm living with my parents right now and they do have a scale. I end up on that scale sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. Sometimes I'm able to skip it and I end up wondering just like you did. I'll also end up I standing in front of the mirror and studying myself from different angles and obsessing about what I want to change.

 

[maddog]

Really glad you're through the worst of the gastro thing Abstract... totally understand that such things are more than just physically unpleasant when they tap into so much of the mental warfare... I'm also lucky in that regard I suppose, am not prone to stomach upsets, food sensitivities or other physical causes of unwellness. I have enough trouble with the ailments in my head when it comes to food and the way it makes me feel...

I am working hard to stay off my scales too, and have so far been successful. I know I've put on weight over the past couple of months and know that the numerical proof of this fact would be a very unhelpful spiralling factor for me.

Still battling my nighttime binge eating habit, and just as unsuccessfully battling to eat anything throughout the day. A discussion about healthy eating at my out-patient group therapy the other day was so devastating and distressing to me that I almost walked out, and I literally never do that. It was so confronting to realise that even in a group of fellow trauma sufferers all claiming to have disordered thoughts, feelings and behaviours around food and eating, my own situation, which I couldn't disclose, was far more dysfunctional than anyone else's. Really, really struggling with this right now...

 

[Ustabe]

I weigh almost 500 pounds. Lost and gained more weight than a Mac truck. Most recently, I lost 140 pounds from December 2009 to April 2011 through Weight Watchers. Gained it all back.

Eating and computer games are a great way to numb out / dissociate. Started out seeing a therapist who specialized in addiction and (as I've said in another thread), he diagnosed me w/PTSD arising from 10+ years of severe child abuse and said I should join a support group ... hence why I'm here.

 

[Abstract]

devastating

Hi MD,

You are not alone in this. I certainly have been there in the past. I hope you find some self compassion. If only huh?... ;-) The others may not presently be in as bad a place as you are with this but how people express their distress is unique. Others may be using drugs for example. You also have a lot of food trauma in your past and are presently dealing with a big disruption of your perception of the world and yourself. You deserve kindness and understanding.

I know it feels impossible but if you can start to eat something during the day that is the best way to start addressing this. Its OK to eat. Its your right as a human being. Its every human beings right to be nourished and safely, without fear or guilt. You were not given that and it is hard now but it is something you can find with time.

I think you nightly eating self is strong, life-striving force even though I understand you hate it.

Thanks too for your good wishes. I am grateful as I too don't get this stuff often. I seem to have developed a phobia of getting sick and am not sure how I will cope when it eventually happens. Even brushing my teeth has been problematic at times.

As for scales. I hope everyone can stay away if they need to. Our value or safety doesn't lie in a number and we don't deserve to be shamed for having human needs. I can now weigh myself safely and it feels like a miracle to me. I hope everyone gets there.

Lots of support to everyone struggling with this dreadful stuff.

 

[maddog]

Thanks so much Abstract, you always "get it", that means a lot to me.

I'm not sure why I have such a terrible fear of eating throughout the day. Aside from the underlying stuff, which applies to eating in general, I think part of my fear is that if I eat during the day, it will just mean I'll end up eating more and more and more, as once I've started, I mightn't be able to stop. I often feel that way, as though once the behaviour has started I can't stop it, and that applies to both eating and not eating. Part of my twisted logic seems to be that if I limit my eating to only nighttimes, then there is, quite literally, less time during which I might be eating uncontrollably, but if I extend this to the day as well... well, let's just say I'm scared of what might happen!

It's very hard to acknowledge these fears and the intensity of their hold on me. I'm going to try eating during the day right before I have to do a very lengthy and absorbing activity, so that hopefully there is less chance that the eating behaviour will kick in and take me over.

I am also very very aware that my terrible sleeping difficulties are a big part of my nighttime eating. If I could sleep a little more and a little better, I would, at the very least, have less time during which I can be tempted to eat at night. As always, it's impossible to separate one challenge out from the others.

Tiny steps, I'm just trying so hard for tiny steps, and self compassion is, unfortunately, the huge leap that I find it hard to even think about. My therapist has given me specific homework in this field during his holiday absence, which could have either the desired effect or could just be yet another fact which might push me further away from being able to embrace this concept. Self-loathing is very very deep right now, so its a fragile and scary time. And this eating issue is, still, something I find it so so hard to talk about. Having had the discussion for the first time didn't seem to make it any easier to return to, and I feel almost phobic about bringing it up again. I wish I knew why... such terrible, terrible shame is caught up in all of this.

I hate cleaning my teeth too, sometimes more than others. Just putting anything in my mouth is intolerable at times and takes a lot of mental warfare. It's always the little things that hurt so much...

Maddog

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I'm struggling tonight. I'm PMSing which always makes me have the munchies. But today I couldn't ignore my hunger. And I'm like ashamed of myself for that. But I was foggy and I felt spacy and hungry and I knew I needed something. I had 3 meals today. And now I feel like I'm totally overweight. I NEVER eat 3 meals. But now I feel like I ate WAY too much food. All of the negative self talk is starting. And I keep thinking about what I ate and how much.

At dinner I covered my potatoes with my napkin and tried to throw them away when I got up but I got busted. I still didn't eat them though. I know my body image is completely distorted because I look at the tag on my shorts and I literally think "ya but I'm big for my size". I look at my body and I look at my clothes and I think my clothes look way too tiny. I think I'm way too big to fit into them. I feel like I'm big and everyone else sees it and knows it too and just no one says it.

I don't want to be abusive to myself in any way but I feel like this is such a catch. If I eat I beat myself up. If I don't eat I'm not beating myself up but I'm hurting my body. I can feel this stupid obsession with weight gain getting stronger. And yet I don't want to stop losing. And I don't want to hurt myself. I feel like I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt my body. I'm terrified of gaining weight. It's totally not acceptable for me. And now I'm talking in circles. Sorry I'm just stuck tonight. Like I said I'm struggling tonight.

Edited to add that re reading this post I feel like I want to say for perspective that I've lost 23 pounds but when I look at myself in the mirror I look almost exactly the same as I did before.

 

[Abstract]

it will just mean I'll end up eating more and more and more, as once I've started, I mightn't be able to stop

Oh MD, that is so "normal" in terms of ED's. You certainly are not alone and I have been there many times. The truth of course is that things balance out more when we stop depriving ourselves and when our minds and bodies start to trust us. Essentially we are battling our humanity and any fighting back is a healthier sign as dreadful as it feels.

that applies to both eating and not eating.

And this. Its awful!!!

If I could sleep a little more and a little better, I would, at the very least, have less time during which I can be tempted to eat at night

This is possibly far from possible for you at present but I thought I would share my story as it may make you feel a little less alone. What an ED dietician did with me is to plan out what I should eat during and through the night. Not rigidly at all and rather just a flexible idea of what would be "normal". Because not eating at night is only really appropriate for people who are sleeping. I was only sleeping for an hour or so was up for many, many hours. I was shocked to realise that my so called night binging wasn't binging at all! It was mostly all the emotional baggage around it that made it feel so frantic.

I realise that Oking eating in the night is possibly impossible at present but thought it may help just a little to know that it is normal to want to eat if we are up. Especially when we have starved during the day. By planning to eat I managed to at least curtail the self hatred a little and I ate more appropriately. I was already quite far along in recovery so that helped a lot. I still eat regularly in the night as I don't sleep much.

I wish I knew why... such terrible, terrible shame is caught up in all of this.

I hope all becomes clear for you and you find some healing MD. All I can say is what have you have shared already is more than enough to warrant those feelings. It would be astonishing if you didn't struggle! Even though you don't deserve those feelings. I also think a lot of us are deeply ashamed of having any needs. I know I was and still am about many of them. But really it is Ok and safe to have needs such as nutrition in the here and now.

It may not be possible but what helped me was to start with a food that I felt safer with. As if anything felt safe! And then to take very small amounts, regularly during the day. It can help to eat it in public to help avoid a binge whether that is objective or subjective one. Like in your lovely park possibly. Or to plan to do something straight after. Please ignore anything that isn't useful and I hope none of it feels too much for you.

But today I couldn't ignore my hunger.

BB, like I said to MD it is your strong life affirming side that is wanting to eat. Be very careful as from what you describe about your situation you could be at a point where serious chemical changes are happening in your brain. Once you get to a certain point you can fall into a place where you become consumed by the illness. There is never any rest in the illness. No amount of deprivation ever brings peace. The only way out is out of the illness. And believe me I know how impossible that feels. But I am certain it isn't impossible for any of us.

can feel this stupid obsession with weight gain getting stronger. And yet I don't want to stop losing

Please be very careful. I am concerned about where you are heading. I really advice you to see an ED registered dietician if you are at all able. Especially since I know you are doing trauma work at present.