Retraumatozation Divorce

[ramon]

Hey Guys !

I supported someone with CPTSD for several months through panic attacks and other crises. The day after their divorce, I took one day for myself, and later they or someone else suggested that I might have retraumatized them. My therapist, who is trauma-informed, said I did not cause retraumatization.

For context, they had only started therapy one week before the breakup, and their coping skills were still very limited. The breakup happened shortly after that. I’m trying to understand the difference between someone’s intense emotional reactions and actual retraumatization.

Could taking one day for myself in this context realistically cause retraumatization?

I appreciate every insight or perspective people can share.

Greetings

Ramon

 

[arfie]

hello ramon. welcome to the forum.

Could taking one day for myself in this context realistically cause retraumatization?

on my personal scale, i would put this "trauma" on the same level as a teenager not getting the latest e-thingy.

no. i do not believe taking a day for myself should be traumatic for anyone under any circumstance. no one ever saved a drowning victim by drowning with them.

 

[ramon]

hello ramon. welcome to the forum.

on my personal scale, i would put this "trauma" on the same level as a teenager not getting the latest e-thingy.

no. i do not believe taking a day for myself should be traumatic for anyone under any circumstance. no one ever saved a drowning victim by drowning with them.

You got ptsd as well ?

 

[Movingforward10]

Could taking one day for myself in this context realistically cause retraumatization?

I think you could go down a rabbit hole here.

Lots of things could be retraumatising.
Lots of things could be incredibly triggering.
The onus , however, isn't about you, the onus is on the person to regulate themselves. Which is hard for us to do when we are triggered.

You're a friend to this person? Not a therapist?


You have every right to time for yourself. If that causes them distress, it is something for them to work through.

Your intention is important . If you were purposefully pressing triggers, then that would be something for you address in terms of your behaviour.

But taking a day to yourself is totally fine. That may or may not have an impact on them but they would need to address that.

 

[ramon]

t

I think you could go down a rabbit hole here.

Lots of things could be retraumatising.
Lots of things could be incredibly triggering.
The onus , however, isn't about you, the onus is on the person to regulate themselves. Which is hard for us to do when we are triggered.

You're a friend to this person? Not a therapist?


You have every right to time for yourself. If that causes them distress, it is something for them to work through.

Your intention is important . If you were purposefully pressing triggers, then that would be something for you address in terms of your behaviour.

But taking a day to yourself is totally fine. That may or may not have an impact on them but they would need to address that.

she wanted me to stay there on the divorce day, which i did but the next day i went out for a drink for two hours, she has been invited as well..

 

[nursenurse]

In a broader perspective, some people are meant to be in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, very cliche but true. If she is taking this as a retraumatization, you have served your purpose in her life, gotten her over the divorce hump. You are not really clear as to the kind of relationship you were in, but you talk about break up, so assuming you meant between you two. If it is/was romantic, she was carrying far too much baggage for you to be involved with her in the first place. Folks who are still married, even if separated or in the midst of the proceedings have not cleaned up their own back yard. Throw in the until recently untreated PTSD and you have a recipe for relationship disaster. You did not retraumatize her. And she is far from ready to be jumping into a new relationship at this time. If I got this all wrong about the relationship, sorry! As always, my opinion only, not necessarily that of the establishment :)

 

[ramon]

In a broader perspective, some people are meant to be in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, very cliche but true. If she is taking this as a retraumatization, you have served your purpose in her life, gotten her over the divorce hump. You are not really clear as to the kind of relationship you were in, but you talk about break up, so assuming you meant between you two. If it is/was romantic, she was carrying far too much baggage for you to be involved with her in the first place. Folks who are still married, even if separated or in the midst of the proceedings have not cleaned up their own back yard. Throw in the until recently untreated PTSD and you have a recipe for relationship disaster. You did not retraumatize her. And she is far from ready to be jumping into a new relationship at this time. If I got this all wrong about the relationship, sorry! As always, my opinion only, not necessarily that of the establishment :)

This moght be true and i‘m aware of that - i need to understand retraumatization and how i could‘ve caused that with taking time for myself ..

but thank you for the reply.

 

[ramon]

I think you could go down a rabbit hole here.

Lots of things could be retraumatising.
Lots of things could be incredibly triggering.
The onus , however, isn't about you, the onus is on the person to regulate themselves. Which is hard for us to do when we are triggered.

You're a friend to this person? Not a therapist?


You have every right to time for yourself. If that causes them distress, it is something for them to work through.

Your intention is important . If you were purposefully pressing triggers, then that would be something for you address in terms of your behaviour.

But taking a day to yourself is totally fine. That may or may not have an impact on them but they would need to address that.

thank you for that response, i appreciate a lot..

if it caused retraumatization, how would you like that someone respond to that ?

 

[Movingforward10]

if it caused retraumatization, how would you like that someone respond to that ?

Hmmm, it really depends what you are calling retraumatisation.

For example, I think I have been triggered to various degrees by people. Whether that is retraumatisation, perhaps the really intense triggers could have been. When I am in that heightened state of mind: I don't let people in. I am too busy being emotionally heightened. They become not safe any more and I need to look after myself and protect myself.
When those emotions reduce again, then I can engage in dialogue and work with that person to explain what happened and what I need.

I have been retraumatised in therapy when it's gone crashingly too fast in to trauma and the way that has been repaired is by containing it again with my T. But therapy is very different to relationships.

What is it your person has said has happened? Have they said they were retraumatised because you went out for a drink? Be careful about loosing your autonomy. Remember you have the right to do what works for you.

 

[ramon]

Hmmm, it really depends what you are calling retraumatisation.

For example, I think I have been triggered to various degrees by people. Whether that is retraumatisation, perhaps the really intense triggers could have been. When I am in that heightened state of mind: I don't let people in. I am too busy being emotionally heightened. They become not safe any more and I need to look after myself and protect myself.
When those emotions reduce again, then I can engage in dialogue and work with that person to explain what happened and what I need.

I have been retraumatised in therapy when it's gone crashingly too fast in to trauma and the way that has been repaired is by containing it again with my T. But therapy is very different to relationships.

What is it your person has said has happened? Have they said they were retraumatised because you went out for a drink? Be careful about loosing your autonomy. Remember you have the right to do what works for you.

She said that this caused retraumatization ..

I‘ve been together with her month after that, she got triggered all the time, about a lot of little things and i calmed her down all the time ..

saying she is secure, that her interpretation was not my intention, asking her what she hears and smells, holding hands but nothing helped anymore ..

i emcourged her to look for a specific T for ptsd and then a week later she basically broke up with me and didn‘t give me a chance to repair it ( i was basically trying to repair it for months )

i feel devasted ..

 

[Sweetpea76]

i need to understand retraumatization and how i could‘ve caused that with taking time for myself ..

You are absolutely not responsible for “retraumatizing” her. You were not abusive.

She was triggered/retraumatized/whatever. You did not trigger her. She was triggered. As in, what is happening is happening in her perception or in her head. That does not make it reality. You left her side for 2 hours. That was not malicious, abusive or traumatizing.

Projecting onto you is much easier than dealing with her own feelings. You cannot regulate her emotions for her. You cannot fix her. You cannot help her mental health. Do not fall into the supporter trap of taking on guilt and responsibility for things that you have zero fault.

You can love and support. You cannot fix. You are not responsible for her emotions or mental health.

 

[whiteraven]

You have every right to time for yourself. If that causes them distress, it is something for them to work through.

You are absolutely not responsible for “retraumatizing” her. You were not abusive.

^ 1000% this ^