Self-Hatred from showing emotion

[Godzilla]

Just found this site and see a lot of blunt honesty here... so if I may:
In my younger years including cancer at age 21, I always got "you want something to REALLY cry about?", looks of disgust & shame, and a cold shoulder from adults who knew I was being bullied. I learned that ANY weakness must be locked down, contained, and never be expressed. The only thing powerful enough to contain it all is anger at myself for being weak.

Diagnosed bipolar since 1995 with evidence of PTSD from how I was treated during cancer treatment. Being shamed during chemo for showing distress (drug induced; they lightened the dose or Demerol and I had no problem) made me build an internal system, a vault, to lock away all the self-pity, crying, weakness, everything "negative". Counseling here and there over the years taught me great self-monitoring but unable to turn off that vault system for last 30+ years. When things get so bad I do cry its through gritted teeth, sounds like someone burning in hell, and feels like I'm being ripped apart. The more emotion that gets out, the more powerful the anger gets until something like a circuit breaker trips and I go emotionally numb for days. I am never free to feel, and after all these years I wonder what I would be like if the vault ever completely blew. This prevents me from digging into it too far because I heave real fear of the vault door blowing off. I literally cannot imagine what would be left of my mind & emotions afterwards.

This is actually the first time I looked more at the PTSD perspective than from the Bipolar.

Disclaimer: I have never/will never hurt anyone, everything is turned inwards.

I know there is no quick (or slow?) fix, just want to know is there anybody else like this out there?
G

 

[arfie]

hello godzilla. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. i'm kinda mad at you for stealing my favorite pet's name, butttttaaaaa. . . i'm not here to judge.

This is actually the first time I looked more at the PTSD perspective than from the Bipolar.

i started psychotherapy about 20 years before the PTSD dx had coalesced far enough to officiate. most of my therapy network agreed that "manic depression" didn't quite fit my symptoms but it was the nearest guess we had to work with. how, when and why manic depression morphed into bipolar was a bit of a mystery to all of us, but my favorite theory is that medical doctors didn't want to compete with the likes of me and steven spielberg. i'm glad i didn't wait for the more appropriate dx. those bipolar tools are serving me to this day. my beeper buds are still part of my therapy network. at the very least, PTSD is a malady of extremes. i still don't see as much diff between the two perspectives, but maybe i'm just showing my age.

I always got "you want something to REALLY cry about?", looks of disgust & shame, and a cold shoulder from adults who knew I was being bullied. I learned that ANY weakness must be locked down, contained, and never be expressed. The only thing powerful enough to contain it all is anger at myself for being weak.

ditto. to this day, showing vulnerability gets me self-flagellating like renaissance monk. alas, i can't seem to contain all that anger to self-harm. i always seem to end up going totally ballistic at the most unpredictable of moments/targets. in my own case, this symptom is still under careful monitoring. anger channeling is my most effective tool for keeping that anger from escalating to explosive levels.

but i'm rambling. . .

i mostly wanted to welcome you to the forum. vent freely. vent often.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry for the reasons you need help and hope that you find good support here! I have been a member since 2011 and highly recommend engaging with the vast amount of information and compassion available here.

I have similar issues about emotions caused by growing up in a religion and household that was discouraged from showing or feeling anything negative and church was a place of guilt and shame. Being a preacher’s kid magnified the problem.

It IS possible to change one’s mindset but it requires work and practicing self-love and self-compassion to achieve freedom of self-judgment. I’m a work in progress and refuse to give up. It’s an uphill and downhill battle but progress happens!

Welcome again! Blessings to you and yours

 

[Shaylee]

Welcome

just want to know is there anybody else like this out there?

You described me pretty closely.

Crying for me is a silent venture. I hold my breathe and refuse to let the sound out for fear someone will hear me and know what is happening. When someone does hear or know I find it beyond humiliating and have physically gotten sick over someone seeing/hearing/knowing. I hate even hearing myself and get angry when I can hear myself. The one and only time I let go a very small amount is during movies that make me cry. Movie crying, while made fun of, is also acceptable and will result in teasing but no one feels pity or questions me like I am some weakling who can’t handle her . I pull out Steel Magnolias, Fault In Our Stars, Me Before You and a few others I can’t recall off the top of my head.

Afterwards I am deadened. I don’t feel catharsis unless it is a ‘naturistic’ experience of sorts.

 

[Friday]

I know there is no quick (or slow?) fix, j

No cure, but a helluva lotta fix.

The overwhelming majority of people with PTSD become asymptomatic. As in 92-96%. More than half on their own, in myriad ways, the rest with trauma therapy. Even people like me, on the narrow end? Often spend years & decades asymptomatic, and have skill sets that make world shattering kaboom an annoyance to work around. So, Cha. Get into some trauma therapy, and see if (after it gets worse) it gets better.

((Trauma therapy SUCKS. It’s not like regular therapy when you feel better straight away, but much more like physical therapy, where one is in waaaaay worse pain leaving, than coming, and the speed is infuriatingly slow, in attempt not to reinjure. Seriously. It reeeeeally sucks. But it also works.))

 

[DarkVixen]

I also grew up in a family that feelings were bad. At least for us kids. The adults could punch holes in walls or push someone down the stairs and no consequences.

When I left home the one thing that really shocked me was I didn't actually taste food before, like to enjoy it (or not enjoy it). I even shut down the emotions of, "boy this tastes good" or "ugh, this is awful". And the parent control even what you taste with a "eat it, there's kids starving in africa". So when i actually was allowed to feel and just finding out that there's emotions in every action, every choice. I was moaning over fries and gravy in a food court. I didn't care because i could actually taste food and it was awesome. Emotions are in everything we do and not feeling them deprives us of so much positive emotions and experiences.

I've found allowing myself to have simple emotions like finding pleasure in watching a bee collect pollen in a field of clovers, or enjoying a sunset, a sunrise, defiantly standing in the rain just cause i could or fries and gravy. This was my first step in actually starting to feel or rather acknowleding what I was feeling, instead of ignoring it.

 

[Muttly]

Welcome to the group and sorry you have experience so many difficult things. I can certainly relate. I'm not great at just "letting" myself cry. I do find I've learned to express myself though art and writing. Definitely, before you try to let emotions out, make sure you have a good support system for yourself. Feeling emotions can be scary and feel very unregulated.