Seriously Worried/ Intimacy Too Difficult

[Lacey101]

I have been with my husband 5 years married and 9 years toghter ( 12 years friends.)

I had no trouble with intimacy prior and at the beginning of marriage. Now, 5 years in, I have had some of the most exruciatingly crippling anxiety attacks during intimacy. At first I was concerned he would eventually leave me. He is not an overly eual being, and is very patient with me. He is extremely empathetics as well. BUT I am begginning to feel it is too much for *ME* to deal with. I have never really had such a tramatic experience with him in the past as I had yesterday. He told me not to go on, but I forced myself. And I have been filled with so much anxiety for 3 days and in terrible pelvic pain. Though I desire him so much it hurts, I hurt when I'm with him.

On top of this, last week, I found out my parents are divorcing over a lack of intimacy... my father was tired of it and felt unloved. I am really really trying not to internalize all of this but it is very hard- since out situation is so similar.

Prayers and advice welcomed!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I found that when I stopped focusing on it and worrying endless about it, being intimate with my husband got easier and more enjoyable. It also really seemed to help the relationship too.

Also, give your H some credit. For what I remember you saying on the forum, he seems like he might understand and sympathize with you.

Another thing that helps with me is...me and my husband will lay in bed a talk. Sometimes my husband asks that we are both naked:rolleyes: but it helps get the drive and trust up. Sometimes we talk for hours before anything happens, sometimes nothing happens. But it really helps us grow together at the same time.

Take care.

 

[evergreen]

Definitely sending prayers for you xo

Is your PTSD related to any sexual trauma?

 

[Lacey101]

yes, lots of it.

 

[ProudWife99]

Sometimes we talk for hours before anything happens, sometimes nothing happens. But it really helps us grow together at the same time.
.

Yes! We do the same thing. We stopped focusing on being intimate in that way and on creating intimacy through communication and proximity. If he would just lay next to me and talk, pretty soon I would forget about being anxious when he would touch me, because I was so relaxed in speaking with him.

His patience and compassion were really the most therapeutic for me. It helped me realize how different he was from the men that hurt me and I could enjoy him.

 

[evergreen]

I suspect what you are experiencing is due to your sexual traumas. I also enjoyed sex with my husband at first--for several years. Then I started freezing and disocciating and just not enjoying it at all.

I believe there is hope for couples who want to get past this.

Has your husband done something that has betrayed your trust?

 

[ClairBear226]

I don't have any great answers or words of insight, just wanted to let you know you're not alone on this one. My husband and I seem to see intimacy differently. I see it as the extra icing on the cake, so to speak. Not the relationship as a whole. My husband seems to see it in the same vein as my saying "I love you". If I stop, it must mean I don't love him. Fact is, it has very little to do with him, and everything to do with crazy icky bad stuff that I wrestle with. I've had flashbacks during sex, and gotta say, it's really awful. I like Ayesha's approach. Wonder if the Hubs would be open to that idea?

 

[Criss]

I am extremely new to this forum but can honestly say that YOU took the WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH, OUT OF MY HEAD!!! I have no words of wisdom because I am seeking the same advise.My H also associates intimacy with "love" which I think are two separate entities entirely. My H is so hurt by my anxieties that he doesnt want to try. We have been intimate ONCE in 2 wks. He is frustrated and I am an emotional wreck. We have tried talking, but it always leads back to him wanting to know what He has done to cause this, or why now, why is it happening now, asking me questions I have no answers to. Thinking about you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi

I am saying prayers for you. It is related to sexual trauma and it has big effects. Are you seeing a therapist about this stuff? It will take time to adjust. I am so sad you are having this problem. It is such a delicate issue.

This happened to me when i first started therapy. My husband thought a romantic get away would cure me and it was the last thing I wanted. It was a nightmare.

I really think that by writing this stuff down someone will come along who can assist you. like I said I offer prayers. I hope this helped and did not hurt.

 

[debsptsd]

Prayers to you. I go through long phases with this problem too. It can take a lot of effort for me to get
myself in the right state of mind. Do you have a therapist to help you with ideas for handling this
difficult time? Be patient with yourself.

 

[Red Feather]

I have these issues as well. And can not get intimate with a man. It takes a lot of courage to go through it. I wish you all the best and lots of prayers and blessings.

 

[Lacey101]

I am extremely new to this forum but can honestly say that YOU took the WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH, OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

I am so sorry your h lacks in understanding. That must be a really terrible feeling. I already devalue myself for not being whole able and complete. But to have my H say must not love him, must be difficult. I pray he changes his view. My husband has decided we do not have to have sex to love each other. I have to learn to accept myself this way somehow as he does. In time, I will.