Seriously Worried/ Intimacy Too Difficult

[Shellbell]

Thank you Kazt2, you are very sweet :hug:

 

[Abstract]

Hi Lacey,

I am sorry it is so difficult. I find it hard to make sense of my past and when and why things changed. But it has been years where this is a total impossibility. Its like something cracked open and cant go back.

In some ways I feel that my inability to go there is a sign of my improved self care and awareness. That I am willing to hurt my husband so much to protect myself. In the past others always came before me no matter the cost.

The truth is that I just cant. The cost is too high. I cant even want it to be different. Just the suggestion of it being different is triggering. Worst and most selfish of all I can't even speak about it to H. The only consolation is that I believe H would rather have the little he has of me than nothing at all.

I too have had to just try to accept where I am. Whatever happens happens.
Caring and sympathy to you all.

 

[Britt.f7]

My husband and I have a fairly sexless marriage. I do not remember the last time we did anything. It has to be over a year. Before that, I have always had difficulty. He doesn't want to make love to a woman who ends up curled in a ball, crying. I think he should leave, he is still young enough to enjoy a life of sex with someone who is more then willing. Really, the only time in my life I have been okay with sex is if I had no emotional attachment. Seems the more attached I get the worse it is. My husband has only had two partners in his life, me and his ex. His ex ended up cheating on him. I have not, but I think this is just as bad. He has definitely put up with a lot.

My T does know this but we haven't discussed it.

Some of the suggestions on here are interesting. I'm sure my husband would be up for that. I know he would prefer an actual sex life.

I don't discuss this with anyone and I truly can't believe I'm opening up on here. I definitely feel vulnerable. I also feel less then a woman. Okay, tears are welling up but son just walked in the room so I need to stop.

Thank you all for sharing and opening up. I don't feel so alone.

 

[Abstract]

Britt, I too am shocked I said anything about this. Good for you.

 

[Lacey101]

Britt, I too am shocked I said anything about this. Good for you.

You are brave for talking about it. I find I cannot really find the answers I need unless I do. I think your need for disconnectedness sounds like disassociation.it's easier to disassociate from someone you don't really love. Try to disassociate from a loved one , and it's more uncomfortable.

I have found seeing other relationships that are worse off really helps me put it in perspective. Like a friend of mine has sex with her H once a month and it's because he verbally abused her making fun of her sex life to their friends and her breast size. I have sex 2 to 4 times a month and I have full respect for my husband, but I cry almost every time. It could be worse.

I think letting go of absolute perfection has helped me a lot. It's sort of a buddhist idea: to let go of success or defining success as perfection. Be proud of what you can do even of it's not perfect. Being in the moment and connected to your partner helps. The very moment you need to cry , cry or stop then stop. Don't beat yourself up. It is a phase. Hopefully it will get better in time. This has helped me not to hate myself to the point it wishing death upon my self.

 

[Lacey101]

Also why what's hard about connectedness is that often the men who hurt us were loved ones. We trusted and loved them and they hurt us. That is what makes it hard sometimes. We can have a hard time differentiating between the people who hurt us and our mate for this reason which is why it grosses me out when he gets turned on sometimes.

Also there's definitely a struggle not to feel a forced sense of responsibility to please them when we love them. But the 1st responsibility we have is to our own well being. If they can't handle that then that is not your responsibility.

There are other ways they can meet their needs until you are healed. If they value you as a whole person I think they would give you that time to heal. But it may be also that they have an insane sex drive and you do not. In which case going your separate ways is a possibility.at any rate Sarah McLachlan songs have helped me a lot as her husband and her went their separate ways after years of trying songs such as : fallen, answer ,fumbling towards ecstasy, fear, arms of the angel.

Answer and fumbling towards ecstasy are the most healing to meditate on.

Also I forgot to say my T told me in the moment you have a flashback try to see the perp as a child, vulnerable and hurt as you were. I've imagined my father shrinking to the size of a five year old being hurt by his mother. His hate and attraction to women confused, he hurt back in return. The only difference is he didn't hurt the same person who hurt him he projected his pain. Visualizing him this way helps me feel pain for him and let go of my own.

My T also said to think of a place I felt safe and happy. To smell and taste it and feel it. To bring yourself back there after you go through this negative flashback. These techniques help sometimes.

I think there is no worse injustice than this. It is truly unfair and few can comprehend how you are not letting your past control you but it has done so on it's own.

A good movie is "the patient" about a girl who had been abused and tortured. Also white Oleander. These girls had it worse than some of us i'm sure and they survived.

 

[Britt.f7]

A good movie is "the patient" about a girl who had been abused and tortured. Also white Oleander

I haven't seen the Patient, but I have seen White Oleander. Very good and very deep. I'll have to see the patient when I'm in a safe place.

Your words above are very thoughtful and meaningful. I remember being in a group of sexual survivors and their spouses. One of the spouses said that this wasn't the way he thought his sex life would be. I spoke up and told him, this isn't the way I hoped it would be either(being a survivor). None of us grew up hoping that our sex life would be damaged the way it is. Frankly, I don't think I realized how damaged it would be.

I really appreciate the words you wrote.

 

[Lacey101]

One of the spouses said that this wasn't the way he thought his sex life would be. I spoke up and told him, this isn't the way I hoped it would be either(being a survivor). -so true! So so true! And thank you for telling me about my words. In this desperate station in life, I am so empowered to know I've been of some help to others.

 

[Lacey101]

Lack of attachment to success, to having things work out the way we want them to, is not the same as indifference. Let go of ego and hold on to the essence of life. Trying with all your might is a commitment to cherish and occupy fully the essence of life.- oriah mountain dreamer in her book " the call" she talks about letting go of the need for success to define us. She eventually talks about her rape and a self protection class she took. I believe this was a God send. I bought this book randomly at a bookable for a dollar. It has been incredibly healing.

 

[Lacey101]

http://www.researchconsultation.com/InformationArticlesonMentalHealthProblems_05.asp I found this information on therapy texhniques used for PTSD. I think people could try them with their own tx's or on their own.

 

[Moony]

I thought I'd 'gotten over' my PTSD if there is such a thing? (lol) I stopped taking my meds, which I don't advise anyone to do. Things were ok for a while, but especially now there are times when I struggle not only to be intimate with my gf, but even touch makes me flinch. I hate myself for it. I thought that taking meds somehow made me 'weaker' than coping without.

My gf is beyond patient with me for which I am so thankful. It helps talking through how I'm feeling with her. I can't help but think how much it must hurt her when I can't return the affection. She says it's ok, and never questions me when I say no. That's it. Everything stops no questions asked. I want to stop feeling like this.

Most times it's fine, but I've noticed that if I've had an anxious,jumpy week then that's usually when it hit's me hardest. Think my only option is to go back on meds. I seriously feel like slapping my brain sometimes. My heart says yes but my head says no. I guess it just takes time :/