Relationship So becomes distant after every time we hang out

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@EveHarrington
I understand that his reality is just that; his. I’m not actively trying to change him, I don’t ever tell him he is wrong. But I WISH his perception of love was different. Anything other than that, I wouldn’t want to ‘change’.

Is it unfair and selfish of me to wish this? Maybe. It’s his opinion and journey. I know this. But just understand that from my side it’s extremely hurtful that what stands between me and my SO, is his view of love. He wishes for the adrenaline kick, and the excitement, and the butterflies. We have had that already, 7 years ago. But after that we experienced life together, financial issues, deaths in families, unemployment, issues with family and friends etc. we came through it and grew closer.

I’m not forcing him to be anything or think anything, but I write here because it makes me so sad that the person who I went through everything with, the person who I genuinely LOVE from my heart is saying that he still needs the excitement. So what about all the other stuff, the work we both put in? It’s frustrsting and it angers me, and I’m allowed to be this.

I write here because I wish, I wish I wish that he could see things diffeeentlt so that our relationship was enough for him, and maybe we could be happy.

 

[Freida]

I'd expect his symptoms to actually get worse for awhile. That's pretty par for the course with most forms of trauma therapy. Processing of trauma with EMDR sometimes leads to processing happening after the session. Symptoms will spike at times. The more steady and unshaken you can be when this happens, the better. It's like being out in the ocean. Waves are going to come and pass. He's learning to ride out each wave of symptoms. You can't stop the waves from coming, but you can learn to ride them out.

So I've been doing EMDR for about a year and hubby has learned to just ride it out. Sometimes I'm fine and just sleepy and sometimes I come home so traumatized that can barely stand to be in the same room with him. Sometimes I can't sleep, or I have nightmares, or I shake and snarl and am generally just a total bitch to be around. In those times he CANNOT reach me. It doesn't matter how much he wants to. He can't. You have to be ready for this. I worry about you in this because you have so much of yourself tied up in how you can help him. That's not a bad thing at all. But you may not be able to help him with this. It is a journey he may have to travel on his own and that means it that the only thing you can do is watch him suffer.

He had his first proper EMDR session a few days ago and he didn’t seem to have been too affected by it. He said the memory he had to recall wasn’t all that traumatic for him.

yea -- that made me laugh. You start with the easy ones -- to build up your tolerance for the bad ones.

There are so many things going through my brain at such a speed that none of them make sense to me. I have no time to think when my symptoms get going or are out of control. If I can't make sense of what is going on how can anyone else. I have a hard time just deciding if I will get up. I try hard not to make snap decisions. I can not plan much cause it is going to change.

@Esterio this was brilliant!! and it so describes how I feel too

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Freida thanks

At the moment EMDR hasn’t affected him, after the session he said he felt sleepy lol. Like he was constantly yawning. He always said ‘I find the finger thing annoying, how am I supposed to focus on the finger and talk about stuff at the same time.. it’s distracting’

He’s going on a weekly basis now so let’s see what happens. Of course I really want to help him, and I want to be there for him. But I honestly don’t mind him doing this alone and going through this journey alone. We don’t talk about all this much anymore anyway.
What gets me is his words and that he says he feels nothing for me and he doesn’t know what to do. Then becomes distant, and I worry. It’s so difficult to not know what’s gonna happen and be able to accept it. I really applaud @Snowflakes on this actually as he’s seemed to master how to be OK in the uncertainty, along with many other supporters here.

That’s my only issue, not knowing if we will be ok or not...

 

[LuckiLee]

So, he says these horrible things to you when he's not symptomatic? My guy says nasty things when he's I PTSD mode and I let alot of it slide. However, if he was in a good place and said those things I would take him at his word.

And if he really felt these things I would never in a million years marry him. You deserve to be loved and appreciated by your SO.

Years (and years) ago I had a boyfriend and his mom didn't think I was good enough for he boy. One day we were grilling dinner at his house and she asked him (right in front of me) "when are you going to find a nice girl and settle down?" That was the cruelest thing I ever heard. He didn't stand up for me and i broke up with him days later.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. It's painful and sad. I know.

If I were you?? I'd let him go, to deal with his trauma and recovery. This is him. PTSD and all. Not everyone can support someone suffering. It's hard alot of the time. You can still be his friend but i wouldn't count on marrying him.

Good luck!

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@LuckiLee thanks for your reply.

I wouldn’t say he is nasty, but he says ‘I don’t feel anything for you’ sometimes he says ‘I just feel dead inside, I don’t feel much for anyone’
Is he symptomatic when he says this? Well... I’m fairly new to PTSD, yet I feel like I am very slow with understanding what his state of mind is. So let me break it down...

Most days he seems very functional; works, socializes, works out, speaks to a lot of people, works on his projects. Yet I’d ask him how he is feeling in terms of PTSD, he says ‘I think about it all the time (the trauma), I feel dirty and disgusting, I think about it a million times, I feel angry about it etc.

Some days, he says he doesn’t think about it much at all, as he is ‘looking forward to something’ his words are; when I look forward to doing something, I focus on that and I get distracted.

Other days(not so often); very symptomatic. This is when there’s nasty words (sometimes against me but mostly just angry outbursts), calls in the middle of the night, panic, frantic crying.

So most days he seems fine, actually quite functional. I’ve realised though he HAS to be doing something. Sitting at home is not an option. But although he seems ok, I don’t know if he is because I don’t always ask: ‘hey, how’s the PTSD today?’ I let him talk about it if he wants to. So to answer your question, I don’t know. What’s symptomatic, what isn’t? How crap do you have to feel to be symptomatic, how many symptoms has to be apparent. I’m confused sometimes because I think ‘he seems ok, genuinely’

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Sorry I accidentally pressed post reply.

@LuckiLee, I don’t know he if actually feels nothing for me or is symptomatic. From what I can judge I’d say, maybe he is symptomatic because he can’t seem to let go. And he still WANTS it to work, but he feels nothing.

I’d want someone who loves me for sure, but somewhere I feel like we need that chance without so much of the PTSD monster. And like I’ve stated in earlier posts, all the marriage pressure from everyone else doesn’t help. Although, his family and friends actually love me and tell him this often.

I think I need to be ok with the uncertainty because he can’t give me answers, but how do I do this without freaking out? I feel like I need reassurance. I wouldn’t have such a hard time being a supporter if I was sure that he still does love me... I just don’t know.

Hope all of this makes sense, it’s all the thoughts in my head.

And by the way, your ex and mum seem like aholes! Big hugs to you!

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@LuckiLee does any of that make sense. As in, is he symptomatic? Am I just being naive?

Any long time supporters opinion or even sufferes are appreciated

 

[Snowflakes]

As in, is he symptomatic? Am I just being naive?

Any long time supporters opinion or even sufferes are appreciated

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD I’m going to say this to you with honesty and respect so please take it in this spirit. You have been here for 4 months and 197 posts. Your first posts are the same as your last posts. You are asking us to give you an answer that doesn’t exist, at least not for you.

You asked for a long time supporter’s opinion. I’ve been doing this for over 10 years. Before the 10 years, my sufferer “appeared” ok. I don’t know why that was. I’m not sure she knew either. I spent 10 years crying out for answers. I spent 10 years trying to make sense of her illness. People would tell me their experiences and offer suggestions that helped me to cope but no one could explain to me why I was feeling sad, hurt, angry, resentful, and confused.

Then one day a very special person here convinced me that I would never find the answers because I was looking at my sufferer to provide those answers and that wasn’t going to happen. The answers had to come from within me. I know I am honest and faithful in spite of what my sufferer said. I knew what my words and thoughts meant in spite of what my sufferer thought I meant. I set my personal boundaries that allowed me to remove myself from bad times if necessary. Most importantly, I accepted it is my sufferers illness and only she can learn to manage it. I can support her but I cannot fix her. I let go and, when I did, the questions were no longer important.

What is my future? Will it ever get back to how it was? Will it get better? I don’t know. My sufferer is still in therapy. Ask me those questions as she learns to manage her illness.

You ask if you are just being naive. I think all of us supporters come here with some naivety only because we don’t understand and are looking for answers. After listening to a lot of experiences by others, as both you and I have received here, it comes down to a rather simple question. Can I accept my sufferers illness and try to be a good supporter? Either answer is ok.

Take care of you. Hugs if appropriate and you accept.

 

[EveHarrington]

I agree with snowflakes....you are asking the same questions over and over.

You already asked the symptomatic question and it was answered.

Symptomatic means having symptoms on ANY level. There is no threshold where ie only a few symptoms means non-symptomatic but whoops, a few more means symptomatic.

It’s quite simple.

Having any symptoms=symptomatic.

Having no symptoms=not symptomatic.

I think if you cannot get over the need for constant reassurance that a PTSD relationship is not for you. A sufferer does not have extra energy to constantly reassure a partner....of anything.

Truth? Nobody here will ever be able to tell you if he still loves you. It’s very possible that he has no feelings for you anymore. It’s also possible that he is numb, but a period of numbness doesn’t mean that when he starts to feel again that he will love you.

You’re best off taking things at face value.

One of the worst things you can do to a ptsd sufferer is disregard what we say/do and blame it on our disorder (outside of automatic reactions ie startles and flashbacks).

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Snowflakes and @EveHarrington

Thanks both.
I understand that I keep asking the same questions, I am confused. And his behavior is confusing to me. His words and actions are all over the place. I don’t know what to think or believe. And another thing that gets me down is that I haven’t seen another post on here where a sufferer tells the supporter that they do not love them, yet they still refuse to leave. I feel like no ones situation is like mine and it hurts because I don’t have any guidelines.

It is just extremely hard when your whole world has changed and you don’t know how the hell that happened, and you have to grieve what was. It’s an awful feeling

 

[OrangeJulius]

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD
To me, it sounds like his behavior is all over the place because his brain is all over the place.

I’d want someone who loves me for sure, but somewhere I feel like we need that chance without so much of the PTSD monster.

The PTSD monster will ALWAYS be there. ALWAYS. Your chance will never come because PTSD will ALWAYS be there. And it sounds like it will be quite a while before "without so much" happens.

My sufferer is "symtomatic" daily... But from my view he has really good days, normal days, bad days, and REALLY bad days. I just never know, nor does he. It is a constant limbo to an extent.

I have always been cognizant of making sure I got what I wanted/needed out of our relationship because I knew I had to leave the moment that didn't happen anymore.

When he was REALLY symptomatic, I had to reassure myself of his love for me and remind myself of all the ways he has shown his love for me over our 6 years of friendship, 5 of which we dated.

I have always felt he loved me differently than I loved him. But that didn't change the fact that I FELT loved and that's what matters to me.

He broke up with me last week. Neither of us want to break up. But he says he feels too guilty for putting me through everything that a supporter goes through. We've been saving to buy a house together and have been looking forward to having kids once we settled in our house. But it sounds like that will be too much guilt for him so he's "setting me free" before its harder to do with a house and kid in the mix.

In my efforts to understand what the heck is going on I have been asking A LOT of questions about what its like to be inside his head. And he's been more open with me about it than he ever has before. It's been really enlightening.

I've learned that every day is a struggle and forced. I learned that his "good days" are forced....he just has extra energy that day to feign having a good day.

But the thing I outright asked him and am so happy he answered truthfully. I asked him if he loves me. He said he didn't know. He doesn't know if he is capable of love. He said he definitely has not experienced it like he reads about or sees in movies. He said that because of all the things that went on in his life from an early age he has stopped himself from feeling as a coping mechanism so he can't be hurt again. Because of that he doesn't know if he loves because if he does, it's a lot different than what he has heard about. He said that he doesn't have the same emotions for me that I do for him. But, if he's capable of it, then yes he loves me.

I say all of that ^ to say this.... your boyfriend may being giving you opposite messages because he simply doesn't know. He might feel things completely differently than you do, so your questions are hard to answer because he has no frame reference....just like you don't have a frame of reference for what he's going through.

What you and only you can figure out is what is ok with you and what is not ok with you. If his actions fit into your definition of love with loyalty and integrity etc...but he can't say for sure that he feels love for you....is that ok with you? And keep in mind that when he's more symptomatic he will more than likely not be able do those things that make him fit into your definition of love....and are you ok with that?

To be perfectly blunt, I see you talked about needing reassurance and if you just knew he loved you.....those are 2 things that, based on what you're describing, you will not have in this relationship consistently. If those things are as important to you as they seem in your posts, it may be best to let go. Highly recommend the thought catalog link above if you go that route.

Good luck.

 

[Snowflakes]

I feel like no ones situation is like mine and it hurts because I don’t have any guidelines.

You’re right. Each of our individual situations are different because we are all unique but you need to trust that collectively our feelings are the same. Every supporter here truly understands what you are feeling. This is why I have told you that no supporter walks this journey alone. Some are just starting, some are working on it, and some have made their peace but all have, and are, walking in your shoes.

There are guidelines; all of these people who have replied to you have given you guidelines but it takes time. It’s not like following a recipe to create a completed food dish, it’s really a process of trial and error till we find what works for us individually. Then we share.

The best thing you can do now is to start a diary or a journal. Start your own diary here online and put your thoughts and feelings down. You will find that very helpful. People may write their responses to your private feelings. Take what is helpful and disregard what isn’t. If writing a public diary is not your style, then write a private one on paper just for you. Or do both.

I do both and doing so helped me to find my peace.