Sometimes I Just Fantasize About Death

[Foxglove]

I can fantasize for hours. I know how and where. How to pull it off. Sometimes I can't think of anything but suicide. I replay my death and suicide over and over in my head, just repeatedly for long periods of time. When I'm not thinking of this particular scenario, I'm am just wanting to be dead and to kill myself. I don't want to feel this way. I just want to be happy. I am worried as the fantasy and obsession grows I may not be able to control myself. I worry in one way, because I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, but in another way I do want to die and so in that way it doesn't worry me. I wish I would have done it already.

 

[RussH]

Foxglove, please find someone to talk with; that can help you deal with these thoughts and feelings. I am not making a judgement here; just an observation. While reading you post I got the sense that you are almost romantizing death, and that is why you are fantasizing about it.

I truly hope you can find a way to start fantasizing about life, and the things you want to do with your life. While it is true that death is our final destination physically, death is not the journey. Life, life is the journey. I truly hope you can find a way to enjoy the journey of life.

There are many good people here on the forum for you to make friends with; people who will talk with you, and help you find the way. Please take advantage of it.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Foxglove
I like your name. Foxgloves are a favorite flower of mine. Do you like to garden? It's like zen meditation. Digging in the dirt making everything look neat and in order.

Please talk to your therapist and shrink about your thoughts and feelings. You sound depressed. Visualization can be a great stress relief, however it is most therapeutic if you're imagining happier times, beautiful scenes you are part of.

I wish you safety and wellness

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I learned so many years ago that suicide was not an option for me after a failed attempt. I realized that what I really wanted was an escape from all of the pain and confusions and struggles. Many mornings I woke up to Great Whites I do not want to face the day. And yet it is a miracle to get out of bed every day feeling like that.

I just wanted to be free of the pain. all of it.

I hear and believe you, but it would hurt so many people if you succeeded in your fantasy of killing yourself.

I believe you so much. I hope you will reach out and call a crises hot line right now. Or talk to a trusted friend or family member or even your boyfriend. You cannot be alone with your fantasy right now.

I hear you from the depths of my being. You desperately need to do some reaching out for real help as soon as possible. This forum can only support so much but you have to choose and say yes to life or you will succeed in your desires.

You are so worth fighting for. Please do not give up but hang on anyway you can. It will not always be this way. Good does come out of the bad eventually. It just takes time and the willingness to change and to heal and to recover. Please reach out to someone for help.

 

[Foxglove]

Thank you all. I did talk to my boyfriend and then another trusted friend. I feel a bit better now. It seems to come and go. I know it will come back. I am getting some blood work done tomorrow just to make sure there is nothing wrong with me physically that could be causing my psychological problems. (thyroid, etc) After that, I go to see my psychiatrist with the results of my blood work and I guess we figure out where to go from there. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond.[DOUBLEPOST=1404092722,1404092601][/DOUBLEPOST]Oh, and KwanYinGirl, I love gardens very much but don't have much of a green thumb.

 

[RussH]

Foxglove, we are all standing with you. Keep living, we need you around. I sure hope you and the doctors figure something out and get you on the path of living for good. Good job on talking with your boyfriend and the other trusted friend; having their support is huge.

 

[Harry Osborn]

Me too. It makes me feel a lot better, somehow. It's soothing to me, to think about it. It's control, in a way--deciding whether one wants to be here or not, rather than being forced into staying (involuntary detainment with the expressed purpose of making sure you don't off yourself, perhaps) or leaving (murder).

It's like having options. I really find the fact very soothing, even if I've only attempted once (four years ago). I don't like feeling trapped, and knowing there's a way out is less stressful somehow. It's like a fire escape--you don't think you'll need it but it's comforting to know it's there.

It seems to me like you find these thoughts distressing, however, in which case I would follow suit with the others and encourage you to speak to a professional about them. Thoughts are neutral things which in themselves neither detract nor supplement our quality of life, within control, but once a thought (or thoughts) becomes undesirable, cumbersome, or taxing, bringing it to the attention of a professional trained to deal with the cognitive problem is definitely important.

If you are concerned about your own safety, speak of this to your trusted medical personnel also.