Relationship Still processing breakup with PTSD ex

[Deleted member 47099]

Well, now that I've said "either talk or just let this whole thing be" things have obviously gone back to toooootal silence :rolleyes:

I'm so over this rubbish... :p (Truly over it tho, it no longer causes discomfort)

Intellectually I totally "get" where he's at re his trauma journey, symptoms, denial, dysregulating, etc...

Emotionally, I'm just absolutely not "the right person" to be dealing with his stuff.

He's someone who's got some intense inner kid stuff going on, whose 2 main survival responses are flee and fawn and who goes totally mute when he's in pain.

While I am good at picking up people's non-verbal cues a lot of the time, I choose to spend my time with people who are not into the whole "non-verbal cues" thing too much.

Having grown up with a toxic and abusive parent, who was sadistic and bizarrely unpredictable re emotional stuff, I've gotten VERY VERY sick of people who expect you to "guess" their feelings or who want you to "mindread" their stuff.

Yes, I "get" it.

But whoa, I'm the wrong person for that kinda stuff.

People who are totally unable to "voice" their stuff? I get it intellectually and have compassion with them, but I'm also like "Please go and do this somewhere else - not in my space."

If someone *can't* verbalise their stuff, then I "expect" them to at least be able to verbalise that they're not able to verbalise their stuff right now.. or at least *something* vaguley like that... or at least verbalise later that they weren't able to verbalise their stuff earlier.... :rolleyes:

I "get" that he can't do any of that... but I'm not able to "deal with it" on a day-to-day level.

I wish him lots of luck with his trauma journey, but whoa, I'm not going on it with him anymore... The whole "guess my emotions" and "guess why I'm in intense emotional pain" stuff just does my PTSD brain in.

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Hope he finds someone who's not triggered by the whole can't-verbalise-anything thing, like I am...

I've experienced too much craziness growing up. People being able to basically "more or less" verbalise their stuff to some kind of semi-functional degree is what I can deal with - the rest is beyond my capacity...

 

[EveHarrington]

I think your next big challenge is picking up on whether or not someone is REAL, early in the relationship. Look beyond the fluff, watch out for red flags. Little lies early on are indicative of bigger lies to come, much of the time, and are an indicator of how honest a person really is.

It never seems to amaze me when guys thank me for being REAL as if it's some sort of rare gemstone type quality, I'm the unicorn they've been searching for forever.

What it tells me is that there are a lot of fakes out there.

But, I don't know how to be anything but real. It's not as if I have to make an effort. It's just who I am.

Just learn to spot it early on and don't be afraid to walk away from someone who isn't real, because chances are what you love about them is just an illusion, too.

 

[blackemerald1]

Sophy it's been over two years since the break up I think (?)

I think it's good to learn things from this kind of stuff.

But tbh are you over analysing things and not moving on yourself?

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Sophy it's been over two years since the break up I think (?)

I think it's good to learn things from this kind of stuff.

But tbh are you over analysing things and not moving on yourself?

Haha, yup, tooooootally :laugh: :roflmao:

It was:

a) the most important and deep relationship of my life
b) the most painful, drawn-out, confusing breakup of my life
c) it was on-again-off-again for 12 months of those 2 years
d) I had zero idea what the heck was going on those 2 years
e) I spent 23.5 hours per day wondering what on earth was going on - now THAT was total over-analysing
f) I'm the over-analysing type in all things (just how my brain works)
g) I will still be thinking about this stuff in 10 years, even if I refuse to discuss it with him in 10 years
h) I'm currently only thinking about this stuff about 30 mins per day on average, which is wayyyyy better than the 23.5 hours it was for ages

So yup.
Totally over-analysing.
Totally taking ages to move on.
Yah.

:laugh:

It's the best I can manage tho.
And I'm happy with the progress.
I thought I'd never bloody survive this at all, or get over it ever.
So 2-ish years is basically "at the speed of life" as far as I'm concerned.

And nooo, it does NOT usually take me this long to understand/ get over/ move on from a relationship breakup.

But this was THE one big breakup in my life and, yeah, still gonna be mulling this one occasionally in 2028 and beyond...

:hug: