Stupid Girl I Chose It

[Vupudul]

I was naive and needy too... And that's ok. It is actually ok to not elect every person in the world will be a sociopathic abuser and to need and want connection, even badly.

A good person takes extra care to be safe with someone who is naive and needy. They don't abuse them.

But sociopathic abusers do take advantage and have a remarkable ability to manipulate people so they stay in denial longer.

The guilt and shame you feel - that belongs to the abuser. Not you.

You are a courageous survivor with great courage. Be as kind to you as you can be. You have had way more than your fair share of guilt and shame put upon you.

 

[Upiw]

Yes it's true vidupul - who expects to meet a sociopath?
Maybe I should just think of it like that.
It's still a mans world - the first counsellor I saw blamed it all on me. She was shocked when I said I didn't think many men would treat a woman the way I'd been treated. She was shocked because she'd already determined I was that kind of girl because a nice girl would never be treated that way.
It's unfair I know but it sinks into you.
It's been good yo say these thoughts out loud because I feel it now how I can only take responsibility for my own actions. He was responsible for his own actions.
I'm glad I don't have to carry the heavy burden of his actions. I'm glad I'm not him.
Just wish I'd been smarter

 

[Upim]

That counselor was absolutely out of line and didn't understand a damn thing about trauma. They engaged in victim blaming and people who do that often can't handle the reality that there are horrible people in the world who do the victimizing. And you didn't deserve it or choose it no matter what kind of girl she thinks you are!

Ugh.

Yeah, these kinds of messages from perps and victim blamers does sink in... deep.

But they are wrong.

He is the only one responsible for what he did.

You are the kind of person who deserves kindness and respect and compassion. Period. Just for being you.

So glad you are reaching out and that it's helping a little :hug:

 

[Upiw]

Thank you upim. You're right and I agree - some people really cannot handle the reality of victimisation.
There is a huge shame in being victimised - for me anyway.
When I finally woke up - which was when I saw him cause pain to another and realised something - I was so mortified.
All the excuses I'd made for him, all the rotten things I thought about myself - it was all to protect me from the truth that I was not loved. That I was rubbish in his eyes. I just never wanted to feel the truth of that, but in the end I couldn't avoid it.
I think that's why a lot of people stay where they shouldn't - denial is a form of protection. Not a good one though.
And yeah, counsellors. I got further hurt by the first couple of counsellors I went to. I learned to keep my own counsel.
thankd for all you said. It helps and I appreciate it

 

[Ewi]

I read threads about trauma bonding, Stockholm syndrome - still I'm not sure if there is any excuse for me.
I was 18 when...

Hi Upim, thank you for sharing your experience. I can also relate to having stayed with a sociopath longer than I should have. Had I stayed with him longer, he would have eventually killed me and not until I realized that was his plan, did I have the where with all to get out. He sexually assaulted me though I didn't realize the abuse leading up to the assault was just that, abuse. Sociopaths are very clever in their ability to engage people into their ominous webs. When you love and care about someone, it's so difficulty to unleash their emotional hooks in order to see beyond our perception of who we think they are in the moment. We have to be in a position to step away from the situation in order to get clarity and re-focus. I feel for you and what you've been through. It's so easy to beat ourselves up after being in the situation, wondering why we missed this piece and that piece of the puzzle. Unfortunately, it's how our brains work. Some people are better at noticing the cues early on and steering clear though when they perceive us a vulnerable or targets for their satisfaction, all bets are off. Please don't shame and ridicule yourself. You are a human being, worthy of love, dignity, and respect. It takes time to heal those parts of yourself that were violated though healing is possible if it's something you desire. It takes time and it's something you can pace.

 

[Iwoh]

I just wanted to say that you aren't alone. It isn't your fault. It's one thing to make decisions that put you in a situation or to stay in an unhealthy one but that doesn't mean you are responsible for what happened to you. I was the same age as you when I experienced abuse, and I'm only really accepting 6 years later that there is an element of being young/naive in ending up in situations. But at the same time that does not mean it excuses abuse or someone taking advantage. I also struggle with the idea of being victimised/taken advantage of etc. - but one thing that is important is that it is THEIR problem that they took advantage. Being a Sociopaths, and many people who abuse, manipulate people and that is their responsibility.

One of the things I find hardest to deal with is the guilt and shame I feel from having put myself in the situation that led to traumatic events occurring and then returning to it repeatedly. I can't even accept half of what happened, but the feelings of shame and confusion and self-hate are all too real. Sometimes I feel that it excuses everything he did and that the whole thing shouldn't bother me because it's my fault.

Like you and many others, I often compare my trauma to other people's and I constantly go over and over how mine is "Inferior" to others, "they had it much worse", "I let mine happen so I have no right to be upset or affected by it". But ultimately it's an individual thing and the key thing that matters is how it affects you.

It was reassuring (although I am sorry for you) to read that other people feel similarly to me. Because there are so many strong and confusing feelings going around within me, I often feel really alone with it. I hope you know you aren't.

 

[Talav]

You can't believe the things I did at 18 because I believed that people were ok....be kind to yourself....No one else will. At 18 you lack the ability to sense certain danger and are easily manipulated. At 18 we are all 10 foot tall and bullet proof. The world has a way of running you over and making you one foot tall and full of shrapnel.....hang in there!!!

 

[Nimi]

I just wanted to say that you aren't alone. It isn't your fault. It's one thing to make decisions that put you in a situa...

You sound exactly like me

 

[Okucu]

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One of the things I find hardest to deal with is the guilt and shame I feel from having put myself in the situation that led to traumatic events occurring and then returning to it repeatedly. I can't even accept half of what happened, but the feelings of shame and confusion and self-hate are all too real. Sometimes I feel that it excuses everything he did and that the whole thing shouldn't bother me because it's my fault..

I really relate to this!!! So I really am not alone ... Thank you for sharing that.