Let me start by saying: my husband is a good person and it has been a hard journey to get the level of trust that I have with him because of my CSA. I have a chronic illness and he has stood by me making life more enjoyable.
With that said, something happened tonight that I am afraid may have destroyed that trust. He said something to me that triggered me to have several flashbacks. Immediately after the words were out of his mouth, I was crying and hyperventilating. I felt emotions related to the incident that I have never felt before and it was as clear as if I were there again; I smelled the related smells that could not be explained by my current surroundings. It has been 24 years since and I have always had missing time from the incident.
An hour later, I tried to go to bed next to my husband and I found it repulsing just to try and sleep next to him. So I started breathing slowly; trying to clear my mind. All the sudden the memory is there like it has been there the whole time. I remember everything.
I have felt mostly healed from my traumatic childhood rape for a few years. Only a few things cause panic attacks anymore. But right now I feel like that helpless child again with no one to confide in.
I know that my husband did not completely understand what his words would do to me and he regretted saying it afterwards. But what hurts the most is that he knows about the incident and that I was threatened and cut with a knife. He knows I panic anytime I see one that is not in a kitchen. And to make a point he says "how would you feel if I put a knife to your throat." He made his point but it was like taking a cannon to a golf range. He didn't mean it and is truly sorry. But how do I get over it when I see it as betrayal?
With that said, something happened tonight that I am afraid may have destroyed that trust. He said something to me that triggered me to have several flashbacks. Immediately after the words were out of his mouth, I was crying and hyperventilating. I felt emotions related to the incident that I have never felt before and it was as clear as if I were there again; I smelled the related smells that could not be explained by my current surroundings. It has been 24 years since and I have always had missing time from the incident.
An hour later, I tried to go to bed next to my husband and I found it repulsing just to try and sleep next to him. So I started breathing slowly; trying to clear my mind. All the sudden the memory is there like it has been there the whole time. I remember everything.
I have felt mostly healed from my traumatic childhood rape for a few years. Only a few things cause panic attacks anymore. But right now I feel like that helpless child again with no one to confide in.
I know that my husband did not completely understand what his words would do to me and he regretted saying it afterwards. But what hurts the most is that he knows about the incident and that I was threatened and cut with a knife. He knows I panic anytime I see one that is not in a kitchen. And to make a point he says "how would you feel if I put a knife to your throat." He made his point but it was like taking a cannon to a golf range. He didn't mean it and is truly sorry. But how do I get over it when I see it as betrayal?
