Therapist Terminated With Me

[greenleaf]

This is awful, I'm so sorry. There are other really good therapists out there, and you deserve one!

There must be some serious health issue for him if they won't even let him see clients to slowly end with folks more appropriately, because they all know it's really important. At least half-decent ones do.

There are loads of possible health issues, and maybe stress from his father's death made some problem more obvious to people around him even though he was still acting ok as a therapist generally.

 

[Hojay]

I have training in psychology and psychotherapy (though I don't practice.) Your feelings are entirely valid and understandable, though let me just jump in here and say this: It's not you, it's not you, it's not you. Let me repeat. It is not you. I'm gonna go off on a little tangent now on taking responsibility for other people's shady behavior (though there really is no way to tell if your T is being shady or if something has happened.) So I hope you bare with me:

Even if you were the only one (which I doubt,) and even if he did do this consciously and didn't care for your well being (which I highly doubt,) it's not you. It's important to see, in therapeutic relationships as well as personal, where our responsibility ends and others begin. We will often never know what drives people in their behavior, and very often our go-to reaction when someone has hurt us is to think, it's me. Believe me, I could sing you a song about that. What it is though, is a certain reverse engineered narcissism (bare with me here,) in which we view the world through a low self esteem lens, and find ourselves taking responsibility for other people's actions. In the end, (this is why I draw the narcissism parallel) that logic entails that other people's (often shitty) behavior is all about "you." that logic is inherently flawed. Why do we do this? There are plenty of reasons, but I think most importantly it gives us a sense of control in which all the terrible things we think about ourselves affect some sort of behavior in others. Well, we don't have superpowers. No matter how shitty we think we are, we don't have the power to make a reasonable person suddenly act without integrity, or an unreasonable person to suddenly become a saint. We don't have that much control over other peoples behavior. Even if we DID act badly, people's actions and reactions are theirs, not ours.

Long story short, of course it hurts to have a trusted person just drop off the face of the planet. Whether he is now acting out of integrity as a therapist (which a sudden uncommunicated termination would be,) or has actually suffered some sort of trauma himself - the answer is, EITHER WAY, it is not you, and it's most important to find a new source of trust with whom, hopefully, you can examine this confusing scenario more in depth.

Sending you lots of love and strength (if you accept it,) this isn't easy and I'm glad you're working through it!

 

[estelle beninson]

After working with him for six years, with a contract that he is ending June 31st 2017 when he takes ear...

I think the word "negligence" is appropriate. I should investigate the situation with one of the professional bodies. However, I know this happens. I also know they all know it shouldnt happen.

 

[estelle beninson]

I go from seeing him twice a week to NOTHING. No ending. No explanation. We were right in the middle of...

My therapist terminated with no explanation and I still, years later, suffer from complex ptsd. Its not ok for you to be treated like this and even if he was ill, his colleagues should have given you extra help and put some immediate provision in place to see you through. Go back and tell them how you feel. If they are at all competent, they should give you extra help.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Generally speaking, a person's past behavior is the best predictor of his future behavior. What I hear is that he has been not only consistently good to you over the last six years, but also an excellent communicator, and so I'd expect this behavior to continue. Given this, paired with his last communications (about his father's passing, and then his assurance that he'd see you soon) I'd bet my life that something serious and totally unexpected, something outside his power, has occurred.

His manager's assurance that he would someday write you, just not any time soon, confirms the above. If he had 'dumped' you, as you fear, due to your behavior, there would be no promise of a letter.

Regarding your concerns about your last text message to him, only a physical threat to him or his family would trigger an instant termination.

Ben

 

[EmmaOwl]

No. I am not allowed to talk or contact him. It is a mess. I can only think he has had a breakdown. this...

Kaluki I can empathize somewhat. My psychiatrist, some years back, left extremely abruptly (got a divorce) and he left me in the care of an incompetent doctor. This is a doctor that refused to write me a prescription that prevented me from having grande mal seizures! He would not even work to lower my dose carefully, he just stopped it. It was a disaster and I felt so lost and confused and helpless. And terrified.

I am sending my very best thoughts your way. I had the support of my father and my therapist who both came with me, first to get the new guy to.. help me NOT have a seizure! That was pretty much the most vital goal at the time. With these two supports, I ended up a patient of "a friend of a friend" who clearly did not want me there but was willing to keep prescribing and that was pretty much what I needed. - I've been on the same meds for many years now.

If I didn't have those two supports, I do not know how I would have gotten through. I hope you can gather support here if nothing else. You've.. well everyone is different and I don't want to tell anyone what to do. But under these circumstances, I'd attempt to say to myself something like "must keep trying."

My original psychiatrist showed up in practice again a couple years later... He is not thrilled to have me either but I think he feels obligated.. It's not awesome but it is better.... No real progress on my part, he just dopes me up enough to function through my days and nights and allows me to be capable of working with a therapist.

Now if my therapist who I generally see about once a week? If he went away I... I don't know what I would do. I would be crushed. Please don't be crushed! There are people who care about you - I know that, because I don't really know you, and I definitely care! No one should have to go through such scary and upsetting situations. Particularly people who are already traumatized. (Abandonment issues, anyone? That would be me.) :( I'm so sorry.

 

[EmmaOwl]

There are legal reasons why you can't speak to him, not even to leave a message.

I am in almost constant fear that my therapist will drop me, or "fire" me...no matter how much he says that he wouldn't do that... but what if you have his own personal cell/text and are in fairly regular communication? I mean, I often meet him at his house; he sees only a few private clients - 4 or 5. He has a separate full-time job. So, wow it sounds horrible to say this, but - I know where he lives! I would not stalk him but I could possibly be tempted, if he were to "disappear" on me like in this situation. I would definitely want to contact him some way, some how, until I got some kind of response from him.

This is not an urgent question by any stretch of the imagination! Just an off-topic response to the legal reasons - if you don't know off the top of your head, or if it is too complicated to answer, it's ok - in my case, this is pretty much an idle question about a hypothetical situation. (I live in the U.S., if that makes a difference.)

 

[Suzetig]

In this case @Kaluki saw her T through the NHS - if her Ts employer was aware he had her Ts personal contact details her T would be in a lot of trouble. There are strict rules about out of session and/or personal contact in the NHS which preclude NHS staff sharing things like home addresses etc. So, there are both legal and emoyment contract reasons why @Kaluki's T shouldn't respond to personal contact without going through his employer.

A T in private practice has more leeway than an employed T but if your T has ended with you, and you continue to contact until they respond, depending on the level of contact I expect there would be come a point where it would be considered harassment.

 

[aut555]

I am in almost constant fear that my therapist will drop me, or "fire" me...no matter how much he says...

MD pysh can't get messages of you harming yourself or harming somebody else. So it's all good. Not sure what rules therapist follows but they have guidelines and they have to make you don't feel like harming yourself or someone else. But agree with @Suzetig

 

[EmmaOwl]

@Suzetig @aut555
That all sounds sensible -Seriously - something that makes sense in the health care industry? Shocking!! Thank you both for clearing up my questions.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

thank you for all your responses - I was away yesterday and so didn't see all these replies until today. Thank you so much. Buckaroo you wrote

Regarding your concerns about your last text message to him, only a physical threat to him or his family would trigger an instant termination.

That was a relief to hear as a part of me is still wondering if my 'upset text' threw him over the edge.

But then you also pointed out that he has been consistently steady with me over six years so surely this will come out okay in the end?

Allie D wrote about me going round there. This is interesting. As Suzie pointed out - in the NHS I shouldn't know his address but he told me his address some years ago. I always warned him that if he dared to do something as stupid as to to drop me, a client with severe attachment problems and abandonment issues, who has been dropped by her previous therapist and dropped recently an hour before session by her EMDR therapist and sexually assaulted by one therapist ( I got him struck off) - well if he was stupid enough to drop me too - I would go round to his house and demand an explanation.

When the therapist who sexually assaulted me, was in denial of what he had done, he kept saying I had to book an appointment with him. No way. Me and my husband went round to his house and insisted he talk otherwise we would go to the police. they can't use their boundary crap to hide when they have done wrong.

My (ex) t knows all this. He knows the rage and devastation previous crap therapists have wroght on my life. He knows this through hours and hours of listening to me sob and struggle with it. I have a transcript of a phone call he made to me in April where he says he will keep in contact with me after his early retirement next summer. and how he is determined to make a good ending with me. Etc etc. So I am hoping that one day, I will post on here that he has contacted me and we are meeting and we are working this out. I am hoping his integrity stays with him.

but yes, he will be worried that I am going to turn up banging on his door. I shall if he doesn't send me a letter by Christmas. Some months ago I also told him I would have to at least get a glimpse of him now and again and he laughed and said that would be okay. I said 'even if I was hiding behind a tree near your house?' and he said he would wave and smile at me. I said I would probably be too good at it and he wouldn't even know I was there. So he is probably looking over his shoulder a lot right now! LOL.

I think it is the rage and pain of powerlessness that provokes these types of responses. He thinks he can do this and that is that. I insist on proper closure and so I am determined not to be trampled on like that.

anyway, I am sorry if I haven't replied to each post individually because each was so helpful. I re read them each several times and that is how much I appreciate the support and help and thought you are putting into your replies.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

But then you also pointed out that he has been consistently steady with me over six years so surely this will come out okay in the end?

Sorry for the confusion. To reiterate:

1. If your last text to him did not contain a physical threat, it seems safe to say that your text did not cause him to terminate you.

2. Given he has treated you with compassion, and been an excellent communicator over the last six years, it also seems safe to say he has backed out solely due to a sudden severe hardship that has nothing to do with you.

3. Given his lack of communication since termination, I expect the reason for termination is so very personal that it would not be appropriate for him to explain it all to you now.

. I have a transcript of a phone call he made to me in April where he says he will keep in contact with me after his early retirement next summer. and how he is determined to make a good ending with me.

Oh dear. You have a transcript? Are you so afraid he will emotionally abuse you that you've kept a transcript as proof of his promise? If so, I find this very sad.

he will be worried that I am going to turn up banging on his door. I shall if he doesn't send me a letter by Christmas.

Please don't do this. Given his past behavior, if he doesn't respond by Christmas I would expect that his situation is very serious. As much as you love him, would you take the risk of showing up unexpected and possibly hurting him? I really don't think you want to hurt him.

I insist on proper closure and so I am determined not to be trampled on like that.

Why assume he is trampling on you? If he truly cares about you and has acted as consistently compassionate towards you as you've claimed, there's really no reason to suspect foul play, is there?

Ben