Hi canucklady.
Firstly, you are not pathetic and worthless. If you were pathetic and worthless, you wouldn't be going to therapy to try to improve your life. Going to therapy suggests that you realise you have issues, and you want to change. Just recognising that there are problems suggests a certain amount of strength. Making an effort to resolve those problems takes even more strength, courage, and determination. Also you are here, and asking for help. Which again takes courage. I don't like to hear people putting themselves down, when it is simply not true ;).
I totally understand that blank feeling in therapy. I had exactly the same in therapy this week. To begin with, we spoke about my week, then moved on to discussing my previous therapy session, and processed that. Then my therapist asked me what I'd like to talk about this week. I was completely blank. I had no idea. We pretty much spent the rest of the session talking about what I call 'admin'. We talked about previous sessions. We talked about how my therapist likes to work. We talked about how some way, we need to find a way to comunicate etc, and how we were going to achieve that. We talked about my difficulties in talking, and how I feel I need to be promted. It almost felt like a waste of a session, but sometimes, these things need to be discussed, so we can find a way to move forward. It needed to be done, so that we both know where we stand. She now knows how better to help me, and has an understanding of the things I need to talk about. Now I feel like we are 'on the same page', so to speak. I almost can't wait for next week, because I want to get stuck in, and now feel that we have a better therepeutic relationship, in which to do it. Therapy is not just about our weekly or monthly sessions - that hour we spend in therapy. To fully commit to it, we have a lot of work to do between sessions. Not just analysing our thought processes, but working on ways to reduce our stress, and also giving ourselves plenty of self-care.
So, this is where you have to be strong, and commit 100% to your therapy. If you trust her, then the only thing stopping you from talking is yourself. She is not there to judge you. I was just reading your previous thread, and understand from that, that you don't see your therapist very often, so I understand that every session is important to get the full benefit from. I suggest you think long and hard about what you want to talk about. What it is you want to say, but find so hard to verbalise. If you think you will go blank in therapy, write a list, or even write exactly what you want to say, then give it to her to read, to open the discussion. There is nothing wrong with doing it this way. Like I said earlier, you and your therapist need to find a way to communicate, and if that means you write things down, it is okay, because you are still communicating.
Having 'secrets' is one of the worst things you can do. We do it because we feel embarrassed and ashamed, but by keeping things secret, those emotions escalate, along with a decrease in your self-esteem and self worth. We somehow feel responsibility and self blame for what has happened.
In short we need to break the silence (to work towards reducing shame), correctly aportion blame (to reduce 'self-blame'), forgive ourselves for any wrong doing on our part, (if there is any wrong doing on our part - we all make mistakes, that's human nature), work to increase our self esteem, and finally work on any residual issues, such as anger, anxiety etc. Reducing and/or eliminating all the negative emotions attached to our past events, is how we move on. It's how we enrich our lives, it's how we manage the future, it's how we 'get-over' the past, and how we make our futures brighter.
Take care. And I'd love to hear how your therapy session goes. :hug:
