Relationship Trying to Stay Sane Alone

[grimalkin]

He talked to my best friend and said that's what he would do.

Until it comes from the horse's mouth (or horse's ass....?), it isn't "said." Talking to someone else is just that - talking. Unfortunately, not enough people understand that. "I told so-and-so, so it's as good as telling you." Yeah no.

HOWEVER, also just disappearing, going no contact, when you hadn't previously discussed how/when he isolates, and what to do? Sounds like ghosting to me. Unfortunately, you may not get closure, even if he told someone else you would. He didn't tell YOU. And he's NOT telling you. Telling you would be sending that email. To you.

I swear I had a point in there somewhere...

I guess it's this: until it (and in this case, "it" is a letter or email?) actually comes from him, assume it's not going to happen.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

but if I've walked away and keep getting txt messages past the first week or two after asking for no contact? I would have blocked your number by now.

This breaks my heart. Theres about zero information on the internet about what to do during a shutout aside from here. Think about all the good relationships that died because of ptsd

 

[Sweetpea76]

what to do during a shutout

That's because there is no "right thing" to do for everybody with PTSD. Everybody is individual and reacts in different ways.

What it boils down to is respecting boundaries... but it's hard to respect boundaries when you don't know what the boundaries are because there is no communication. Or the communication was given when your sufferer is clearly symptomatic and not acting how they typically act... which makes it double tricky. On one hand supporters are expected to let things our symptomatic partners say roll off our back and not take it personally... "they don't mean it, they're just stressed/reacting". On the other, we have to respect boundaries as spoken immediately with no reminders or we lose the very delicate trust they have in us.

It's a f*cking tightrope walk at times. You're gonna "do the wrong thing" because you're not a mind reader. You can't blame yourself for this... you can't logic it away. There are no magic words to fix it. It's all a huge learning curve with your particular partner.

 

[Freida]

This breaks my heart. Theres about zero information on the internet about what to do during a shutout aside from here. Think about all the good relationships that died because of ptsd

Yep. Now that I've finally learned what ptsd is, gotten some coping skills and read all the stories from the supporters I've had to take a hard look at how I deal with things. And the relationships I've lost over the years because of it. It's still super hard for me because ghosting has been my go to for so long. But I'm trying to get better at how I do it.

The sad thing is that this has taken me YEARS to learn and I still struggle...especially with new people in my life. I wish I could offer some kind of reassurance...but I don't know half the time what I need or what I'm going to do when I'm symptomatic. Trying to explain it to someone else is almost impossible.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

Or the communication was given when your sufferer is clearly symptomatic and not acting how they typically act...

My situation. Made especially confusing because they talked to me normally a couple hours later. For me I f**cked those boundaries when I was already on thin ice. I'm really worried for Pippi because I know their heart is in the right place. My empathy is in overdrive but I think it's a good sign that he talked to her friend. Even if he never sends that break up message it's good that she got some soft of indirect closure.

 

[EveHarrington]

Pippi,
How are you doing?
:hug:

 

[Pippi427]

I've decided to move on. I tried to contact L one last time about a month ago to tell him I couldn't stay in a place where someone would literally throw me a way, but I forgave him and would leave the door open if he needed to talk. (I do not believe in robbing people of a chance to at least make an apology.) I've had moderate success on the dating sites, but nothing serious. All younger guys. ?I made friends with another gal on the Supporter Forum and we talk every once in a while about our situations. It helps to know this has happened to others and it's not something I caused. I'm doing talkspace therapy to help through the grieving process. If I think about it, I cry every time, still. Meanwhile, L continues to creep my LinkedIn feed. He's read 99% of the posts I've made ; he never disconnected or blocked me. I've decided if he ever comes back around to me he MUST apologize for what happened. This process has been as bad as a death of a family member for me.

 

[GatorsFan12]

This process has been as bad as a death of a family member for me.

I know exactly what you mean. It’s terrible. One of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced.

 

[solemn93]

I know exactly what you mean. It’s terrible. One of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced.

Yeah. Exactly how I described it to others. Like a death

 

[Pippi427]

I also described it as a kidnapping where I wanted to beat up the kidnapper, which was him.

 

[NaeNae75]

For me I'm thinking of it as going through a deployment again...because we do stay in contact, but it's at a "safe" distance emotionally, and somewhat physically. It feels very similar to the same as that. We've been doing this for 8.5 years...it's cyclical. I feel like I'm going to vomit on the "tilt-a-whirl" some days.

But, when I think of it as a deployment, it makes me feel free to carry on with less heartache. I feel justified in my support and self-care. You have to focus on being the best you that you can be...because that way, no matter the outcome with "him", you'll be okay for the next step - either with or without him. Taking care of yourself is an attractive quality. I fervently believe that's why every time he gets past his symptomatic episodes, he comes back willingly. Because I'm together enough and "safe" to come back to.

So you shouldn't feel guilty for doing good things for yourself in the interim. Hugs, if you accept! Take care of YOU!

 

[Pippi427]

I wouldn't know. I only met him after he left the Army. This weekend the book author he and I worked for started sending out invitations for the book release party in December. He and I are both invited. I got all upset and sad all over again. Still haven't heard a peep out of him since about October 2nd or so when he talked to my friend. I told him I wasn't going to try talk to him for at least 2 weeks. Not sure I want to start again now.