What Else Can Happen??

[KeepingTime]

@lostforgottensoul Just here with you. Holding your hand and being your friend if you want. :hug:
And you are right. No one lived this but you. You are the only one who has the right to dictate how you feel and what is best for you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You are the only one who has the right to dictate how you feel and what is best for you.

Except everyone else thinks they have a say and my dad 'passed along' words from my brother and his bitch ass wife and they think my mom is holding on to see me. For what? What can I possibly gain from that if she refuses to admit what happpened and what she did? My step dad appologize at my brother's wedding in my early 20s, she refused to look at me and still today denies it happened.

Oh plus now, apparently, she's a "christian" and, per my dad, if Ted Bundy can be forgiven by "god" and go to "heaven" (I dont think thats even close to where Ted Bundy is but my dad does) then so can my mom. Yeah, if that doesnt f*ck with my head, I dont know what does. Especially since 'cult beliefs' about me still runs half of it...this "god" has no good plans for me...per those beliefs anyway.

Waiting for my therapist right now. God am i dreading talking about my mom for an hour!

 

[KeepingTime]

I hope your t goes well today. :)

But remember these ppl are the ones who never had your interest at heart. I know they are the ones you are having to listen to and deal with because they are in your life.

If she has something to say to you to clear her conscious she can write in a letter or video it. Only if you thought that it would be beneficial to your healing. You and you only! Not so that you could go and MAYBE she's had some epiphany...that's not likely. But only if you had something that you really couldn't live without saying to her would I even think about going.
And chances are that's pretty slim.

Both my parents are gone and there are things that I regret not asking...questions unanswered. But the truth is that it pointless because if they could have been answered when they were alive then they would have been. Meaning that they are just unanswerable. I would have never gotten the answers to WHY AND HOW...they just aren't capable of answering because they didn't see anything wrong with what they were doing then...and they won't now either.

If she is Christian now...has found God and needs absolution. That's between her and God...not you.

I am really hoping you can find the peace with this and your decision...and the will to tell them all to go to hell! :)

Maybe she doesn't deserve your forgiveness.

Hugs girl. You gonna make me dig out my pink Pom poms and cheer? My booty is too big for that these days. Lol

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Here's what my therapist wrote and gave me to "pass on" to my mom. Im just handing it to my dad to say to whomever.

"I love you. I love you whether you deny the truth or not. However, in order to see me, ARE you willing to admit what you did to me in order to be "right" with me? Are you willing to admit what you did to me to my family?

If you are willing to do this, not only can you go to your grave with a clear conscience but you can give me the most important gift you could give me as my mother as you leave me behind."

And the convo went...if not then i wont go see her and its not going to be part of my healing if i go without this. I wont regret it without this. This incompassed all of our convo.

And we also dwendled hate down to anger then down to hurt.

 

[hodge]

Praying for you, Lost.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you @hodge! My sister is PISSED! Never gonna speak to me again. I dont get it. I dont get why my family even f*cking cares if i see my mom before she dies. They dont believe me...they dont believe anything at all bad happened but yet here i am with a shit ton of issues and a step father that appologized for 'something that didnt happen' (in their opinion) years ago.

What the f*ck ever. She wasnt speaking to me before this. I dont get why she stuck herself in the middle anyway...we share a dad but we do not share a mom.

 

[scout86]

Some of this stuff is just beyond figuring out. You don't owe these people anything. My T used to say, of my family, "I wish you could learn to see these people as just being 'interesting'. " Not easy, but worth working on, for sure.

What ever else is going on, in their own ways, they're probably all stressed and handling it by trying, in weird ways, to fix something, anything. Not your fault and doesn't have to be your problem. :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If she has something to say to you to clear her conscious

You know whats funny (sort of)? My dad said before I went to my therapist that seeing her would be good for MY healing. I come back with that written in my therapist's handwriting and he changes it to its for HER...before SHE dies. f*ck her! She f*cked me up for what it seems the remainder of my life. I could f*cking careless if SHE gets helped or what the f*ck ever. But now im heartless. Theres no winning with my family. And believe it or not...my dad is the most nutural of them all.

to fix something, anything.

Not anything, they've all been, since I "came out" about my past, trying to fix me. Put the "genie back in the bottle"..."she's the big liar that has all weird mental issues". My "mental issues" were half way caused by the woman they are all "gathered around" like a f*cking queen bee or something.

Im rather used to doing this all by my self and oddly, my therapist said today "you are so awfully alone"...and that made me so sad because its so god damn true.

My family is 'intresting' for sure. I want to poke at them with a stick! See if there is any human left in them or if the alien life force has taken it all away!

 

[scout86]

For all your "mental issues" you're way ahead of the rest of them. You're willing to look at what went on and deal with the results. They haven't been willing to do that. At least not yet. They probably have some goofy idea about a death bed reconciliation. I suppose maybe, sometimes, that actually happens, but I'd bet not very often.

You may be alone, but you've got a bunch of people on your side.

 

[KeepingTime]

My family is 'intresting' for sure. I want to poke at them with a stick!

Ok I know now isn't the appropriate time to laugh but that's friggin funny right there! Maybe because it's sooooo true! I wonder if I could get away with that....poking them like a dead rat on the side of the road.

And scout is right. For whatever your issues you are way ahead of them just because you're willing to look at the problem for what it is. That doesn't make you fee any better I know...because it wouldn't me either. But it is true.

And why does your dad care anyway? Didn't he leave her? Divorce her? It wasn't because she was wonderful right?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

They probably have some goofy idea about a death bed reconciliation.

I think so. My "coming around" time or something. My family would make a very good best seller drama movie and the best "Dr Phil family" ever (except they would make him work for that suit and tie and eventually everyone, I think, would tire of the endless non-stop drama...but I think it would make of of a good few seasons).

Ok I know now isn't the appropriate time to laugh but that's friggin funny right there!

Its ok, I laughed when I wrote it...if you cant laugh at times like these, you'd go insane!

And why does your dad care anyway? Didn't he leave her? Divorce her? It wasn't because she was wonderful right?

He did, when I was 12 because he had caught her, for the 3rd time, cheating with whom later became my step father...he just failed to see me in the background of it all.

Im unsure of why he cares so much either. I think its more because of his kids pulling him into it. One of my half sisters and my brother (and my brother's good for nothing but drama causing wife) pulling him into it than anything else. Its like they are all calling here to see what im going to do and then when i didnt do what they wanted, they freaked like they always do when I pull on their puppet strings and as always, I become the worst heartless person on the planet.

I wonder if they ever stop to wonder why im so "mental" if I had a happy "run through the lillies" childhood...

Oh and my sister called to tell my dad (not me) that when she told my mom what my therapist wrote she said "thats ok, I love her anyway". :bored::wtf:

 

[KeepingTime]

thats ok, I love her anyway".

Oh the mind games never stop do they? I am actually surprised that they relayed that message to her. At least you know that she knows where you stand. Good for you standing up for yourself! Pat yourself on the back. :) the ball is in her court now. So if her intentions were true she will respond with more than that lame response. I hope that you are finding peace with some of this.

And I'm glad that you could laugh... Cause that was seriously funny stuff. The mental image I got poking my family...well that was the best thing that has happened to me all day!

My wish for you through all of this is that maybe...just maybe your dad will open his eyes and see how you are hurting and to be the dad you have always needed him to be but hasn't been.
That's me always looking for the light at the end of the tunnel that usually turns out is a train to run my arse over! :tdown: