What Else Can Happen??

[lostforgottensoul]

My therapist really REALLY liked the last poem to the point where he was saying "what a great poem" again as we were walking out the door and i had read it like 30 mins prior. He agrees that im pulling the last of myself from her and the cult and making a turn to finally be able to really change my auto thoughts and stand on my own. It feels as though my "me" trapped inside is almost through the walls. Maybe a few left. Then i'll have to change my icon when the day comes that the me inside is no longer trapped.

It feels kind of freeing and awesome for lack of better words for it but yet scary. I def think that i will need to feel all of those intense emotions that is there and work through each one first before then and that will be rough but i think once she dies thats my turning a corner and starting a new chapter and really getting in and working these things out. Im just glad i'll have you guys and my friend on the other site whom hasnt heard much from me lately but god bless him, he's still hanging on.

Its a good and strong feeling but I am so terrified. I feel like a little terrified 6 year old that wants to curl in a corner and hide my face. I know that working through each of those intense emotions is going to be so hard and a VERY bumpy ride.

Whew, hold on guys as I think the moment she dies the flood gates will let loose. Im trying to stay as aware and conscience and delibrate as I can and as focused as i can so that the tidal wave doesnt wash me away.

 

[Heather]

Hugs

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Why do my family insist on acting like children and hurting me? I just dont understand it. I personally dont hold grudges, MOST ESPECIALLY if I already told them "I wont turn my back on you in a time like this" (which apparently she thinks I dont care that my mom is dying and I do) but my sister that lives just outside of Gainsville and has been by my mom's side the entire time was taking her mom (we are half sisters, same dad differnet moms) to the Sanford airport which is very close to us so she drove over to apartently visit with my dad & step mom, not me. She was napping in her car though its super hot & very humid outside even early morning so apparently she didnt want to come inside, I hugged my nephew and went inside to take my medicine as I had no clue they were coming over, they called the home phone at 7:30am, which is for my dad & step mom and I never answer it so I dont have a phone in my room so I didnt wake up (thank god as I wouldnt of been happy after going to bed at 3am; though still wouldnt of been rude). She woke up and came inside our screen in porch and i went out to take the dog out. I said "Hi [her name]" and she said back "Hi [my name]" in the most disgusted tone I have ever heard in my life and was sitting down, not coming over to me to give me a hug and so I didnt go over there to give her a hug. We have not seen each other in years. Her goal was to hurt me I suppose and she succeeded and it brought a cutting urge which I havent had in so long.

I went inside after i took the dog out, told my step mom about it as the only 2 that was there besides us was her adult son and my dad whom doesnt pay attention to anything and explains everything away. My step mom didnt have much to say about it so now I sit, alone, in the livingroom listening to them all talk through the window behind me, feeling like I just want to curl up and disapear, rocking again like when I was first told about my mom, and fighting a strong urge to cut. Why do I let her do this to me? How do I not let them do this to me? Its easier for me when they arent here and do things to hurt me but it is much harder when she's here, at my house uninvited, MY house, and treating me like a piece of shit. I cant seem to face off with her, been there done that and she can over talk me any day. But its like I turn into a hurt child and cant say or do anything in defense to myself and I dont know how to not let her do this.

I dont know and dont know why im still posting on a pretty much died off thread. Just guess it felt wrong to start a new one about this before my mom dies and it would get more replies than my diary and it is absoultly about my mom. Our last texting convo was about threatening my signature out of me which she was doing. I did sign it but I am 35, send it to me, let me know about it, and let me do my own research and calling the crematorium about it. Why threaten that Florida will come after me as that is no where near the truth? Is it that you didnt think I would do my own research and call the place (though Im asking for their number) and sign it? Then say that and talk to me about it to clear the air. Im very easy to talk to, or so Im told. Even during times of conflict. And why the f*ck are you holding a grudge about it all? It is my life and my decision about seeing my mom. And I guess you broke your word and just turned your back on me, as expected. It was expected but still hurts, badly. My 4 half sisters were adults and near adults when I was born. She is 17 yrs older than I and the only one of the 4 that my mom let near me after my dad left when I was 12 and the only one that kept contact with me after I moved out and she got me and my dad back in contact when I was 19. She didnt see much growing up as they put on their good world faces but she did see some of the beatings. She didnt say anything about it until I was 19, seemed to believe me about what I told her while living in another State near her, until she started to talk to my mom again. Who wasnt her step mom anymore so why talk to her I dont know. Then she started to treat me as like she wanted to puke on me everytime she saw me. Like shes disgusted when she looks at me. And her husband died in a car accident and I WENT to his funeral and was there for her no matter what and wouldnt of stop talking to her or treated her differently if she didnt go to his funeral. But I guess I dont deserve the same thing. I guess she only loves me when I do what she wants.

Im sorry. Dont mean to ramble....

 

[scout86]

Hey, it's your thread, ramble as much as you want!

Why do my family insist on acting like children and hurting me?

You know the answer to that, right? 'cause they're messed up and don't know any better?

Her goal was to hurt me I suppose and she succeeded

First, that might have been her goal, but you don't actually know that, do you? What does it take for someone to have the power to hurt us? Is she someone who needs to have that power?

I guess she only loves me when I do what she wants.

There are a lot of people like that out there and maybe, like you say, she's one of them. That might make her opinion a little less important, huh?

seemed to believe me about what I told her while living in another State near her, until she started to talk to my mom again.

You've said that your mother is pretty good at convincing people of what she wants them to believe. I have a few family members who have apparently quit talking to me too. They ARE communicating with my brother. I have no idea what he's told them. What I DO know is that what ever he's told them, it's HIS version of reality and it's pretty different from mine. These relatives don't really know what he is, they just see the surface he wants them to see. So I don't really blame them for believing him. I COULD put a bunch of time and effort into changing their minds.... I'm not planning on it because 1) it doesn't matter that much to me and 2) he's WAY more persuasive than I am. Not worth the effort. You may have something like that going on with your step sister. Maybe?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You may have something like that going on with your step sister. Maybe?

Half sister and most likely. She talks to my mom whom they all sort of report to and my sister in law, my brother's wife, and she is the force behind it all. Its been like that since I left home though my brother and sister in law were on good terms with me until I was around 20. As was the remainder of my family and the majority was fine the 10 yrs I stayed in denial. When I started tell individual and trusted family members some of the lesser shocking things is when they all started to form a circle around my mom and start a force against me where they went as far as to call the hospital and lie and say I was addicted to medication (Florida Hospital chains are the hospitals around Orlando and the surrounding cities and Waterman was the one I was in and it was a horrible hospital. Anyway, they put it in my records as HIPPA says you cant tell but you can sure as hell listen, and most Drs are associated with Florida Hospital here so I had to look for one that wasnt which was VERY difficult) and also my brother called my therapist whom couldnt confirm I wad a patient there and tell him the same thing whom thank god knew I wasnt but read the message to me taken by the front office so I would know.

At this point, my mom's word along with my sister in laws bitch opinions are stronger than me and the truth which is rather sad.

What does it take for someone to have the power to hurt us? Is she someone who needs to have that power?

No but I dont know how to not to give it to them. I feel like a child that wants to go hide again.

Now they have talked my dad into going to my neice's kid's 1st birthday today though he already said no due to flying out Sunday to my brother's early Sun but my sister was successful into talking them into going, I wasnt invited. Nice.

She did come in to talk about directions and all the stuff Im not invited to, she did give me a hug. She didnt say anything. I said "drive careful" and she said "we will" and thats it. Though she did "I love you guys" to dad and my step mom. My nephew did holler it into the house.

God I hate my life. How do I not let people to make me feel like this? Why do I let my family to have power over me?

ANNND I had a blind rafe explosion at my dad but it was something I think I needed to say. Oh apparently my sister is studying to be a christian counselor so she now knows all and im now suddenly more sick... ***EYE ROLL*** But my dad said (though now he said he didnt) before i saw my therapist the first time I heard about my mom that he would support my descion either way. I actually think I wrote that in here early on. Now he is saying that im wrong to not go and my therapist is wrong and it was very unprofessional to tell me not to go, which he didnt as i didnt want to go to begin with and my therapist just agreed that it wouldnt be in my best intrest to go and yestersay he said that it would likely set me back. I screamed back at my dad "will it help the night terrors and flashbacks and this, the anxiety, if I go see her?" Just love how he can throw around opinions that im wrong and try to make me feel bad but he cant answer a question like that.

I told him striaght up that im not respecting his stance that im wrong when i made a chioce, as an adult, that is best for me and being told that im wrong for not going to see my abuser. He then said he is in complete disagreement stating that now she is a chriatian (doubtful) that now she is a "child of god" and what she did to me is forgotten thus she is no longer a child abuser and no longer responsible for what she did. What? Oh, I want to torture someone and then go get saved and not have to be responsible for it. Good god! I welcomed him into a session when he is back home from my brother's to tell my therapist that and my therapist can respond with any information he wants about my past, I couldnt give a f*ck whom knows what anymore.

I hate doing this completely alone! Oh and my dad said "I wonder why you have no friends" like me exploding is the reason. I said because of what I went though as a child and what mom did made me terrfied of people is the reason.

Ive never felt more alone in my life and now my dad is forcing me to push him away. No more talking to my dad or step mom about anything.

Power, yep, they all have it and now ive got to figure out how to keep my ass in the house as all i want to do when they leave is to go get a shit ton of duster to huff and make this all go away. My life was upside down and I was barley holding it together before, now its impossible. I dont even know how to discribe this....

ETA: I got my step mom alone and said "she would be responsible in a court of law though" and she said that she doesnt know why he said all of that, he wasnt thinking. Yes he was, he is spewing out their koolaid.

 

[scout86]

That's one of those posts I hate to "like", but I get where you're coming from.
First, if she was serious about the whole "Christian" thing she'd have come to you with a sincere apology and a desire to make amends. I sure haven't heard anything that suggests she's changed a bit. Might have changed the words but not the song.

Unfortunately, you can't make other people see what they don't want to see. And it's easier for them to blame you than to cross her. It's more comfortable for them to label you as the problem and drive on. That's what they're used to. I'm guessing that's been part of your "job" in the family. That doesn't mean they're right or this is fair. Just means your options are limited. There's something called "radical acceptance" that used to get mentioned a lot here. You might find it useful to check out. Don't feel all alone in this! :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

First, if she was serious about the whole "Christian" thing she'd have come to you with a sincere apology and a desire to make amends.

I keep saying that as thats what my CHRISTIAN therapist that practices in a secular office also says. His reply back to me is "thats probably what she will do privately with you". BULLSHIT! Plus if its privately said to me, it remains 'the secert'.