What Else Can Happen??

[lostforgottensoul]

Can you go buy some dishes at a consignment store and smah'em into a million pieces?

Oh god i want to. I cant at this one moment in time but maybe at a future time. That is a damn good idea. Buy out dishes from Goodwill and stash them away for future smashing!

 

[Heather]

Absolutely! Glad you like the idea.... Go to the woods or somewhere private and smash away!!!!!!! Even swear like a sailor while doing it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Even swear like a sailor while doing it.

I swear like a salior anyway lol. I could say whatever to the sky, to her. I started to write a poem thats coming together like a song (a long song) but fell asleep while writing it and hope to complete tonigt we'll see.

 

[scout86]

I like the poem/song idea! Something my T tells me, and I'll bet yours does too, it that writing stuff down is helpful because to write you have to engage the cognitive functions in your brain, the ones we like to think of as the "higher functions". That helps bring order out of this kind of chaos.

another reason im saying "f*ck you for dying now!"

Where do you end up if you explore all the reasons for saying that?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I like the poem/song idea! Something my T tells me, and I'll bet yours does too, it that writing stuff down is helpful because to write you have to engage the cognitive functions in your brain, the ones we like to think of as the "higher functions". That helps bring order out of this kind of chaos.

He does for a few reasons. Obviously the reason you gave but im also an artist so a very creative person and lost my abilty to draw and paint due to the chaos in my head; he says the poems are my creativity coming back a bit as i couldnt write them for a while. I do have a few written on paper, only one I didnt transpose on here because its long and tells of my full past in very triggering detail...though that doesnt much matter here, i dont like my threads always being triggery so just didnt. May put it on here one day. Anyway, the more poems i can write, the more my creativity is coming back, the more they help, and the more i get out and since i cant draw or paint right now its the closest to that i can do.

Where do you end up if you explore all the reasons for saying that?

No where really (about where i end up when i explore everything i feel here) but it was my orginal thoughts and it seems to lead to rage along with everything really. I guess thats where it leads. I just dont feel remotely ready to deal with this and so i guess im very angry at her for ignoring all these signs that something was very wrong, not believing in Drs and by the time she gets to one shes quickly moved to hospice as it way too late, its in most of her organs. Maybe a bit of anger at her for not believing in Drs and allowing herself to die but then that sounds more like what one would feel and say about any normal relationship where this happens. Angry at the fact that not believing in Drs is still the cult beliefs and my step dad died a year or so ago so why still believe in them? But anger is all i can seem to feel there but anger always coats everything and i do know there is more there then anger so i dont know.

 

[scout86]

You have plenty to feel anger about, really you do. Something I've done a few times (with occasionally surprising results) is to just start writing about what I "feel". (Not something I do well.) In this case, I might start with all the reasons to feel anger that she's dying at this point in time. Make a list. Then let the list expand and wander if it wants to. Sometimes what shows up really surprises me. Then I can deal with "Where'd THAT come from?" But I have to actually write it down. Otherwise I just THINK I know what's there.

but then that sounds more like what one would feel and say about any normal relationship where this happens.

There's nothing wrong with that, is there? Those "normal" feelings are part of what you feel, I think. She may have been a failure as a mother, in most ways, but somehow she managed to make a connection with you as "Mother". That's a real thing too and part of what you're losing when she dies. And it's wrapped up in all the reasons to feel "anger" too. It's also maybe a reason to feel "sad" at some point. And maybe a lot of other things too, who knows?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Make a list. Then let the list expand and wander if it wants to. Sometimes what shows up really surprises me. Then I can deal with "Where'd THAT come from?" But I have to actually write it down. Otherwise I just THINK I know what's there.

Yeah, I think I was sort of doing that on the "am i the only one" thread where i thought of expanding and ended up writing "im scared"...where did that come from? I usually dont trust myself to list on paper and be alone with my head but thats mignified a ton now so maybe here or in my diary. Would help with the input too to work something out. But i dont feel alone when i type on here and dont have the fear that after i write it and feel it im going to go out and do something stupid.

She may have been a failure as a mother, in most ways, but somehow she managed to make a connection with you as "Mother". That's a real thing too and part of what you're losing when she dies. And it's wrapped up in all the reasons to feel "anger" too. It's also maybe a reason to feel "sad" at some point. And maybe a lot of other things too, who knows?

Yeah, not sure when that connection happened. Maybe earlier than 6, maybe there was some connection there that ive been hoping to get back. I dont know.

Also to add in my above comment, my therapist really wants me to draw & paint again and has tried with like just throwing paint on a canvas but it didnt do anything so hes encouraging any form of creative expression i can do.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Yeah, not sure when that connection happened. Maybe earlier than 6, maybe there was some connection there that ive been hoping to get back. I dont know.

I think you do have a small connection with your mom and your grief is so very complicated because of that small bond to your mom. I think that getting angry at her for dying so soon is normal for what you have been through all of your life, it just makes so much sense.

I think that you are doing very well in expressing everything on this thread with good support as well so that means you are very smart.

You are getting so much out of you that it is no surprise that you are feeling such complicated grief. It is already a complicated situation for you. I really think that you are feeling normal for going through this right now and everything you are experiencing is coming from all that you are talking about. I could be so wrong, yet I think you will be ok in the end.

 

[scout86]

From what I understand, that kind of connection forms right away. Maybe even before birth, a few people have told me. There are so many possibilities. That's why there are so many possible ways to feel now.

You may have had a somewhat normal first week or month or year. Or, maybe, several years. Then you had to try to learn to see her differently. That's a different problem from no bond at all, or a bond broken through adoption, or broken through death.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think that you are doing very well in expressing everything on this thread with good support as well so that means you are very smart.

I dont know about smart. Everyone says that and i dont see it. As a dyslexic, i have been made to feel stupid all my life because i was always behind in reading though i was grades ahead in all of the other subjects. I was once called illiterate (not true) for a year. That was "my name"...."come here you illiterate". I dont know if the 90s were before auto books, i didnt know about them. I bought a huge package of cassette tapes and recorded myself reading all of the text books cover to cover (being i had about 6 thick ones, it took a long time) but in the end it was the only way i could understand any of it. Still i didnt know and wasnt tested for dyslexia until i was 20. As a kid, I found an entire set of encycolpedias in the trash and read them 8 times each, teaching myself how to be patient with myself when reading, started drawing at age 10 without lessons and without knowing i could, taught myself everything i know today including odd stuff like my recent one (which took all of an hour to do) how to pick locks. And i still dont feel at all smart, i still feel stupid.

I think you do have a small connection with your mom and your grief is so very complicated because of that small bond to your mom. I think that getting angry at her for dying so soon is normal for what you have been through all of your life, it just makes so much sense.

From what I understand, that kind of connection forms right away. Maybe even before birth, a few people have told me. There are so many possibilities. That's why there are so many possible ways to feel now.

I think you both are right. Unsure about before birth but certianly after. Unsure why she bonded with me then but later hated me, blamed me, and punished me for me being here and the baby she lost not and for being a girl as that baby was a boy as is obviously my brother. But some sort of bond did occur and thats seems almost like, i dont know, weird after what happened from age 6 on. But i guess thats why i always said "she still my mom". Ugh, its so complicated already without her dying. We havent heard anything from my brother so i guess she is still kicking. They were calling every day to tell me of her things that day and it got too much and after me refusing to go, to talk to them, and after i signed the permission to cremate i havent heard anything. I asked my step mom and she said surely my brother would call and tell my dad so we dont think she has passed yet. Its like waiting for a f*cking nuke to hit or something!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Its like waiting for a f*cking nuke to hit or something!

I hear that. Pretty damn intense. I am sorry that you have to go through this with so much unresolved and I do hope at some point in time, that you will find both closure and peace. You have expressed so well. I still think you are smart.:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Pretty damn intense.

Indeed! I hope to finish the poem/song thing i started last night and get that posted. The more i write, I think, the more i work this out a bit. Intensity for sure. It feels like a damn overload!