What Else Can Happen??

[Deleted member 12723]

Ditto to what scout said.:hug:

 

[StellaBlue]

What the f*ck with this feel everything flying into a rage everywhere then numb

I'm not sure if explanations are helpful for you - for me they are, because it puts whatever is going on into the range of "normal". So - if it's helpful - what you are experiencing is very normal in a very real, physiological way. Everyone has what is called their "window of tolerance". According to the polyvagal theory, when your nervous system gets triggered you can experience hyperarousal (flying into a rage), hypoarousal (numbing out) or even both at the same time (or alternating between the two in a rapid cycle). I think this is why folks with PTSD are sometimes misdiagnoses as Bipolar.

One of the goals in trauma therapy is to broaden your window of tolerance.

From what you've expressed, you are really not in a place where you can "work" on the trauma issues right now - which is very understandable - I think it's impossible to do trauma work when you are in crisis. Personally, I think you would be better served pulling out all of your distress tolerance tools right now and worry about sorting things out later. Also - try as best you can not to beat yourself up if you do fly off the handle or numb out - remember that you are where you are and doing the best you can.

Truly, from what you've been writing, you are approaching all of this from a fairly "wise mind" place - you are trying to stay conscious and present. When a person is in crisis, there is really not more you can ask of yourself.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You've heard the expression "sperm donor"? Well, I'm sure there's a female equivalent. She's your biological mother, true enough, but it really doesn't sound like she's any more than that.

Yes but every now and then I got a glimsp of something different, maybe a little tiny bit of caring? I dont know but it makes it way more confusing where i cant just "write her off" as an "egg donor" or something. Very confusing.

you are trying to stay conscious and present.

I am, trying very hard to. What you said makes an absoulte ton of sense. It answers why its all turning my life into insanity and then numbing of everything cant feel a damn thing. Makes a lot of sense. I wish i could use distress tolerance stuff. Before this i didnt learn a ton but some and im trying SO hard to apply what i did learn and i cant seem to and thats why i threw my DBT workbook across the room...why cant i apply it just a little bit or the small amount I learned to this? Even to just tolerate it a small bit?

 

[StellaBlue]

why cant i apply it just a little bit or the small amount I learned to this

You are applying it. The thing about distress tolerance is that it's not going to "fix" things and it's not for long term use. The purpose of it is to bring you down out of the red zone - even if just a tiny bit. So let's say you're at a "10" in terms of rage and you are able to use some distress tolerance to bring you down to an "8" - you're still in the red zone, but a bit lower, maybe even enough to bring your hippocampus back on line so that you can actually make decisions you won't regret.

Interestingly, it wasn't initially explained to me that distress tolerance was not a long-term solution...and because I was in a constant state of activation at the time, I was extremely frustrated that it wasn't working properly.

One thing that might help is to stay very curious about your emotions right now...use your "observe and describe" skills...this helps ground you and bring you back into wise mind. And remember - "non-judgmentally". So you're ready to bite someone's head off - observe that feeling, describe it to yourself and feel it without judging it. Emotions are funny things - they really don't last long if you leave them alone to play themselves out.

 

[Heather]

I like what StellaBlue said, "emotions are funny things - they really don't last long if you leave them alone to play themselves out".....can you try sitting with what you are feeling and see if it dissipates....even a little? Say what you're feeling is a 10 wait and see if it can go down a few notches....

It reminds me: like if you have an itch on your leg and you ignore it....eventually the itch stops.

Hugs to you. This is a process and you are dealing the best you can.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So let's say you're at a "10" in terms of rage and you are able to use some distress tolerance to bring you down to an "8"

Maybe a 20 to an 18? Either way, today Im still numb but I have a feeling that I wont be able to keep myself that way. I go numb when i try to mange the insanity though so i guess we will see.

I wanted to manage and deal with what i could now so it doesnt take a claw and tear apart my life but its just not seeming to work out that way. Sigh!

 

[scout86]

You can't really manage anything but yourself. The insanity comes from them. Maybe the best thing to do with the insanity is just accept that it exists, let it be their deal and move on like it's "nothin' but a thing", because that's really all it is.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

"nothin' but a thing",

OMG! My brother in law (step mom's daughter's husband) says that verbatium...all of the time. Its nothin but a thing. That f*cking made me laugh!

The insanity comes from them.

Thats not the insanity I meant. My family and their insanity has settled and likely wont come back until she dies. And then im positive it will for a short bit. The insanity i meant was the flood of insane emotions and life flipping shit that comes to me and tumbles me over like a title wave when i un-numb myself. That is me and does need to be some way and at some point dealt with.

Sorry, should have advised which insanity i meant.

 

[scout86]

That's an expression I learning in Oklahoma. The actual pronunciation is more like "thang", but you probably know that. :)

Your emotions and all that....... I guess you COULD think of that as "insane". I'm not sure that's the best word. It's really kind of a "normal" reaction to a lot of abnormal stuff, all thrown at you at once. It might be confusing, stress inducing, annoying, hard to deal with, etc, but it doesn't quite seem "insane", to me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I was all numb and all and content to stay that way but nooooo, so when i got out of work the hyperventalting started (not even sure whats up with breathing like i just ran to my car) and i get home and yes; anxiety through the f*cking roof; shaking; feelings all over the emotional globe, spin cycle head, thoughts, and emotions. Like if you asked me what I feel, I havent a f*cking clue. Angry/rageful, depressed, sad, mad, everything but glad. Irritated, short fuse, leave me alone or im about to blow. Feel like i want to puke. Even itchy...yes itchy. Oh my f*cking god! I could write a poem just about all of the emotions I feel at once. I cant seem to control anything, deal with anything, handle anything, care about anything. It is literally turning me insane and thats why I call it insanity @scout86. I wish I knew whats flaring it up but nothing different happened today, at all. Its just coming and going when it wants to and that would be the other reason I call it insanity. It is an insane amount of emotions at an insane intensity all at once. I just want to deal with what I can but I cant if I cant pick something out to deal with. I try and try and try and cant seem to. I try the distress tolerance (it would of helped to have learned more of it before this but noooo...another reason im saying "f*ck you for dying now!") but its not working or bringing it down it any at all, or it doesnt seem to be. OMG someone please tell me how to bring this down at least some...i feel like im going to explode. That happens right? Spontanious combustion? ****Pulling out the remainder of my hair****

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Glad you got home safe. Panic and me don't do well with car operation. Breath. That is the hard thing, keep breathing.

 

[Heather]

Can you go buy some dishes at a consignment store and smah'em into a million pieces?....might help? Or not, just thought I'd put it out there

Hugs @lostforgottensoul